J 

• 


THE 
TENNESSEE  SHAD 

CHRONICLING  THE  RISE  AND  FALL  OF  THE  FIRM 
OF  Doc  MACNOODER  AND  THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 


BY 
OWEN  JOHNSON 

Author  of  "The  Varmint,"1    "  The  Prodigious 
Hickey"  "  The  Humming  Bird,"  etc. 


A.  L.  BURT  COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS  NEW  YORK 


COPYRIGHT,  191 1,  BY 
DOUBLEDAY,  PAGE  &  COMPANY 


TO  MY  FRIEND 

ARTHUR   B.    MAURICE 

TO  WHOSE  SUGGESTION 
THE  BOOK  IS  DUE 


271623 


CONTENTS 


CHAPTER  PAGE 

I    THE  RISE  OF  DOC.  MACNOODER 11 

II    INTRODUCING  THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD      .    .  41 

in    THE  BEGINNING  OF  THE  FIRM 53 

IV    FIRST  JOINT  OPERATION 73 

V    THE  FIRM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 93 

VI    A  SLIGHT  DISPUTE  IN  THE  FIRM 137 

VII    FACTS  LEADING  TO  A  RECONCILIATION      .  170 

VIH    THE  BEEFSTEAK  APPLIES  FOR  ADMISSION  .  200 

IX    THE  LAMB  RETREATS 227 

X    LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM  .     .  255 


THE    TENNESSEE   SHAD 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

CHAPTER  I 

THE   RISE  OF  DOC   MACNOODER 

At  the  time  when  the  celebrated  Doc  Mac- 
nooder,  that  amateur  practitioner,  but  most  pro 
fessional  financier,  first  dawned  upon  the  school, 
he  found  the  Tennessee  Shad  the  admiration  and 
the  envy  of  the  multitude.  He  had  not  been 
a  week  in  the  school  before  he,  too,  was  moved 
to  enthusiasm  by  the  Shad's  productive  imagin 
ation  —  productive  in  the  sense  of  its  conse 
quences  to  others.  Macnooder,  at  that  time 
unknown,  with  only  the  consciousness  of  great 
ness  within  him,  conceived  at  once  the  mighty 
ambition  to  unite  this  Yankee  fertility  of  ideas 
to  his  own  practical  but  imaginative  sense  of 
financial  returns.  This  ambition  he  did  not 
achieve  in  a  day,  for  the  firm  of  Macnooder  and 
the  Tennessee  Shad  was  not  finally  established 
until  Macnooder,  by  a  series  of  audacious  moves, 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

forced  himself  to  that  position  where  he  could 
compel  the  Shad  to  choose  between  a  partner 
and  a  rival. 

When  the  Tennessee  Shad  leaned  against  a 
wall  his  empty  trousers  wrapped  themselves 
like  damp  sheets  around  his  ankles.  When  he 
strode  forth  like  a  pair  of  animated  scissors  his 
coat  hung  from  the  points  of  his  shoulder-blades 
as  though  floating  from  a  rake,  while  his  nar 
row,  lengthened  head  seemed  more  like  a  cross- 
section  than  a  completed  structure. 

Hickey,  The  Prodigious,  after  a  long  period  of 
mental  wrestling,  had  given  him  the  nickname, 
and  the  same  was  agreed  to  be  Hickey's  magnum 
opus.  It  expressed  not  simply  a  state  of  inordi 
nate  thinness,  but  one  of  incredible,  preposterous 
boniness  such  as  could  only  have  been  possessed 
by  that  antediluvian  monster  that  did  or  did 
not  sharpen  its  sides  on  the  ridges  of  Tennessee. 

The  Tennessee  Shad  frankly  confessed  his 
ambition  to  be  a  philosopher,  his  idea  of  the 
same  being  that  of  a  gloriously  languid  person 
who  resided  in  a  tub  and  thought  out  courses  of 
action  over  which  other  people  should  toil. 

His  first  efforts  were  naturally  directed  to  the 
[1*] 


THE  RISE  OF  DOC  MACNOODER 
greatest  saving  of  personal  energy.  His  window 
opened,  his  door  shut,  his  lamp  was  extinguished 
by  a  series  of  ropes  which  he  operated  from  his 
bed.  On  retiring  he  drew  his  undergarments 
through  his  trousers,  tucked  the  legs  carefully 
in  the  socks,  which  in  turn  were  placed  in  his 
slippers,  and  leaned  the  whole  against  the  chair, 
on  the  back  of  which  his  undershirt  in  his  shirt, 
his  shirt  in  his  vest,  his  vest  in  his  coat  lay  gap 
ing  for  the  morrow.  As  a  result  of  this  preco 
cious  grasping  of  the  principles  of  economics  he 
was  able  to  spring  from  his  bed  fully  clothed 
with  but  two  motions,  an  upward  struggle  and 
a  downward  kick. 

The  physical  inertia  was  not,  however,  accom 
panied  by  any  surrender  of  the  imagination. 
On  the  contrary,  he  liked  nothing  better  than  to 
propose  ideas ;  to  lie  back,  lazily  turning  a  straw 
in  his  lips,  and  to  throw  out  suggestions  that 
would  produce  commotions  and  give  him  the 
keen  intellectual  enjoyment  of  watching  others 
hustle.  These  little  ideas  of  the  Tennessee 
Shad's,  so  rapturously  hailed  at  the  inception, 
were  not  always  so  admired  in  the  retrospect; 
especially  after  the  rise  of  Macnooder  to  the 
[13] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

practical   partnership   had   introduced   the   ele 
ment  of  aggressive  financeering. 

Now  Doc  Macnooder  came  with  no  surround 
ing  haze  of  green,  but  fully  equipped  with  the 
most  circumstantial  manner. 

It  lies  in  the  annals  of  the  Hamill  House  that 
within  six  hours  after  the  opening  of  his  trunks, 
he  had  sold  a  patent  bootjack  to  the  Triumphant 
Egghead,  and  a  folding  toothbrush  to  Turkey 
Reiter,  disinfected  and  bandaged  the  foot  of 
Peewee  Davis,  who  had  stepped  on  a  tack,  and 
begun  the  famous  Hamill  House  March,  which 
was  a  blend  of  the  vibrant  reiterations  of  a  Chi 
nese  orchestra  and  the  beatings  of  a  tom-tom 
man. 

Macnooder's  early  days,  as  well  as  his  age,  re 
mained  closely  wrapped  in  mystery  and  specula 
tion.  Many  stories  moved  about ;  he  had  shipped 
before  the  mast  and  fought  Chinese  pirates  off 
Malay;  he  had  been  an  enforced  pirate  himself; 
he  had  been  an  actor,  touring  the  country  with 
barn-stormers ;  he  had  been  a  dentist's  assistant, 
a  jockey,  and  a  Pinkerton  detective.  Macnooder 
never  absolutely  affirmed  any  of  these  reports, 
and  he  certainly  would  never  have  denied  one. 

[14] 


THE  RISE  OF  DOC  MACNOODER 

He  shortly  became  secretary  and  treasurer  of 
his  House,  of  his  Form,  and  of  each  organiza 
tion  to  which  he  was  admitted.  He  played  the 
organ  in  chapel,  represented  twenty  firms,  and 
plied  so  thriving  a  trade  in  patent  and  ingeni 
ously  useless  goods  that  he  was  able  to  refuse 
a  cash  offer  from  the  village  tradesmen  to  aban 
don  the  field. 

But  Macnooder  was  not  content.  He  wished 
a  reputation  not  simply  for  ubiquity,  but  as  a 
hero  of  some  desperate  deed  of  valor  and  cun 
ning,  and  so  to  enter  the  company  of  that  Mach 
iavellian  spirit,  the  Tennessee  Shad,  of  Turkey 
Reiter  and  of  Hickey,  the  incarnation  of  mis 
chief. 

In  the  days  of  which  I  write  smoking  had 
still  the  charm  of  Eden's  apple.  Thundering 
assaults  were  directed  from  the  pulpit  at  the 
Demon  Cigarette,  which  was  further  described 
as  a  Coffin-Nail;  and  boys  whose  stomachs  re 
belled  smoked  with  a  thrill  at  the  thought  of 
detection,  immediate  expulsion,  disgrace,  and  a 
swift  downward  career,  which  nothing  could 
check  but  the  gallows. 

Macnooder,  either  in  Chinese  junks  or  as  a 
[15] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

detective  to  screen  his  features  behind  a  cloud 
of  smoke,  had  acquired  the  deathly  practice  of 
inhaling  the  obnoxious  weed,  and  soon  began 
to  cast  about  for  a  more  safely  luxurious  method 
of  enjoyment  than  a  mattress  beside  an  air-flue. 

Now,  the  Hamill  House,  relic  of  the  old  school, 
was  a  rambling  structure  which  had  been 
patched  and  altered  a  dozen  times,  with  the  re 
sult  that  each  story  was  composed  of  several 
levels. 

Macnooder  was  hastening  down  the  back  steps 
from  the  third  floor,  one  afternoon,  when  the 
lacrosse  stick  he  carried  at  shoulder  arms,  came 
in  smart  contact  with  a  beam,  with  the  result 
that  he  reached  the  landing  without  the  for 
mality  of  the  remaining  steps. 

He  picked  himself  up  wrathfully,  and  gazed 
at  the  offending  beam.  It  was  totally  unneces 
sary,  in  quite  an  absurd  position,  impending 
over  a  flight  of  narrow  stairs.  The  more  Mac 
nooder  studied  it,  the  more  curious  be  became. 
If  it  was  only  a  beam,  it  was  of  extraordinary 
thickness  and  height.  If  it  was  not  a  beam,  it 
must  be  a  sort  of  blind  passage  leading  directly 
from  his  room.  But  leading  where? 

[16] 


THE  RISE  OF  DOC  MACNOODER 

Macnooder  went  softly  up  the  steps  and, 
stretching  on  tiptoes,  gently  sounded  the  plas 
tered  obstruction.  It  certainly  gave  forth  a 
most  promising  hollow  sound. 

Twenty  minutes  later,  "  Jay  "  Gould  who  had 
waited  patiently  below,  rushed  up  in  a  swearing 
mood. 

"Where  in  blazes  is  that  impudent,  cheeky, 
all-fired,  nervy  freshman?  "  he  cried,  stamping 
up  in  pursuit  of  the  greenhorn  who  had  dared  to 
keep  him  waiting.  But  at  Macnooder's  room 
he  stopped  in  amazement. 

"What  in  the  name  of  peanuts  are  you 
doing?  " 

"  Hush ! "  said  Macnooder,  pacing  the  floor. 
"  Twelve  feet  from  the  door  and  six  over." 

"He's  gone  dippy/'  said  Jay,  not  completely 
surprised  at  this  solution  of  Macnooder's  many- 
sided  personality. 

"  Twelve  feet  minus  four  leaves  eight.  Al 
lowing,  say,  two  and  a  half  feet  for  the  width 
of  the  passage,  it  must  strike  in  here  some 
where." 

Jay  Gould,  keeping  a  chair  in  front  of  him, 
carefully  advanced,  studying  first  the  floor  and 

[17] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

then  the  abstracted,  concentrated  gaze  of  Mac- 
nooder. 

"  I  say,  Doc." 

"  Don't  bother  me." 

"  I  say,  dear  boy,  is  anything  wrong?  " 

"  Come  here,"  said  Macnooder,  suddenly 
straightening,  with  a  look  of  triumph. 

"What  do  you  want?" 

"  Lift  your  right  hand  and  solemnly  swear." 

"  Swear  what?  " 

"  Never  to  reveal  the  secret  mysteries  I  am 
about  to  unfold  to  you." 

"Come  off.     What's  the  answer?" 

"  Swear." 

"  Sure." 

"  I  have  discovered  that  the  Hainill  House 
hides  a  secret  chamber,  a  den  of  horrors,  per 
haps,"  said  Macnooder  darkly. 

"  How  did  you  find  that  out?  " 

"  I  first  suspected  it,"  said  Macnooder,  rapidly 
dramatizing  the  bare  facts,  "  by  a  strange,  pun 
gent,  ghoulish '  odor  that  has  come  to  me  in  the 
dead  of  the  night." 

"  Poor  Doc,"  said  Jay  Gould,  shaking  his 
head;  "he  is  dippy,  after  all." 


THE  RISE  OF  DOC  MACNOODER 

Macnooder,  perceiving  the  time  for  simple 
words  had  arrived,  rapidly  imparted  the  acci 
dent  of  his  discovery,  ending  excitedly: 

"  Jay,  that  passage  starts  right  above  the 
floor  of  my  closet  or  you  can  take  your  pick  of 
anything  I  sell,  at  fifty  per  cent,  off." 

Gould  was  convinced  at  once. 

"  But  where  does  it  lead?  " 

"  Straight  over  l>ack  of  your  room !  " 

"Back!" 

"  Exactly.  I've  worked  it  all  out*  There's  a 
blind  hole  about  six  feet  square  directly  back 
of  your  closet.  What  do  you  think  of 
that?" 

"  Holy  cats !  "  said  Jay  Gould,  who  immed 
iately  bolted  for  his  room  with  Macnooder  at  his 
heels.  A  short  comparison  of  distances,  with  a 
craning  survey  of  the  shelving  roof,  convinced 
them  that,  in  fact,  the  greatest  discovery  of  the 
age  was  at  hand. 

"  You  see,  my  room  is  a  couple  of  feet  higher 
than  yours/'  said  Macnooder  excitedly :  "  I'll 
dig  for  it  low  down  in  the  wall.  You  saw  a 
trap-door  through  the  floor  of  your  closet  and 
we'll  have  it  cinched." 

[19] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  This  must  be  a  profound  secret/'  said  Jay 
Gould,  slightly  pale. 

"  Your  hand !  "  said  Macnooder. 

Two  minutes  later,  having  locked  and  barred 
the  door,  the  wide-eyed  discoverers  were  flat  on 
their  bellies  in  Macnooder's  closet,  Doc  stealthily 
applying  a  chisel  to  the  plaster  which  Jay  Gould 
carefully  stuffed  into  a  washbag,  illegally  bor 
rowed  from  the  Pink  Eabbit. 

"  It's  hollow,  sure  enough,"  said  Macnooder, 
when  the  plaster  had  fallen.  "  Where's  the 
saw?" 

"  Here  you  are.     Down  with  the  laths." 

"  Not  a  sound." 

Through  the  dull  rasping  of  the  saw  the  laths 
gradually  yielded  an  aperture  for  the  passage  of 
the  human  body. 

"  Let's  look,"  said  Jay  Gould  eagerly. 

Through  the  jagged  entrance  lay  a  passage 
mysterious,  adventurous,  and  gloomy,  formed 
by  the  meeting  of  the  sloping  roof  and  the 
floor. 

"  Let's  explore  it,"  said  Jay  Gould,  all  for 
action. 

"  You  bet." 

[20] 


THE  EISE  OF  DOC  MACNOODER 

"Think  of  finding  it!" 

"It's  a  wonder!" 

"  Start  ahead,  Doc." 

"  Take  the  honor,"  said  Macnooder  magnani 
mously  ;  "  I  have  had  all  the  fun  so  far." 

"  I  wouldn't  think  of  it,"  said  Gould  reso 
lutely;  "you  have  every  right.  After  you." 

"  Are  you  afraid?  " 

"Are  you?" 

"  Let's  toss." 

"  Beans !  I'll  go  first,"  said  Jay  Gould,  who 
feared  neither  man  or  master. 

"  There  may  have  been  a  murder,"  said  Mac 
nooder,  when  Gould  was  safely  in.  "  ff  you 
strike  any  bones,  don't  rattle  them." 

Jay  Gould  at  once  lit  a  match. 

"  The  bite  of  some  rats  is  peculiarly  poison 
ous,"  continued  Macnooder,  wriggling  like  a 
snake  amid  the  cobwebs. 

The  first  match  was  immediately  succeeded 
by  a  second. 

"  Great  Lalapazoozas !  " 

"What  is  it?" 

"  Look  at  this." 

Macnooder  hastily  hauling  himself  upon  the 
[21] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
passage,  found  a  blind  inclosure  above  five  feet 
square,  with  a  chimney  at  one  side. 

"  Have  a  coffin-nail,"  said  Jay  Gould,  with 
perfect  calm. 

"  What  shall  we  call  it?  "  said  Macnooder  in 
stantly. 

"  The  Holy  of  Holies." 

"  Your  hand  again." 

"  We'll  bring  rugs  and  sofa-cushions  and 
crackers  and  cheese.  Eh,  what?  " 

"Sure,   Mike." 

"  Say,  who'll  we  let  in  on  this?  " 

"  It  must  be  a  secret  locked  in  the  breasts  of 
only  a  few,"  said  Jay  Gould  firmly.  "  Sport 
McAllister  is  my  room-mate,  he'll  have  to  go 
in." 

"  Of  course.     But  not  the  Walladoo  Bird  - 
no  elephants  that  will  stick  their  feet  through 
the  ceiling." 

"  Well,  how  about  Shingle-Foot  Harris?  " 

"  Agreed ;  and  Tinkles  Bell  —  five ;  no  more !  " 

"  We  must  take  a  separate  oath  of  secrecy." 

"  Sure." 

"  Sealed  with  blood." 

"  Quite  so." 


THE  1USE  OF  DOG  MACNOODER 

kk  And  brand  the  arms  with  a  burning  ciga 
rette." 

"  What !  "  said  Macnooder;  "  all  of  us?  " 

"  No  —  o,  the  fellows  we  let  in." 

"Oh,  absolutely!" 

The  discovery  of  the  Holy  of  Holies,  destined 
to  be  passed  down  for  four  successive  generations 
(this  is  not  fiction),  unsuspected  by  masters  or 
uninitiated  housemates,  still  left  Macnooder 
short  of  the  national  reputation  which  he  felt 
was  his  due.  Of  course,  among  the  midnight 
brethren  his  standing  was  enormous.  But  this 
left  him  as  restless  as  the  right  hand  when  the 
left  hand  knoweth  not  its  doing. 

From  the  floor  of  Jay  Gould's  closet  a  trap 
door  was  constructed,  fitting  cunningly  in  nat 
ural  grooves  with  a  bolt  to  be  drawn  below.  The 
only  moment  of  dire  peril  occurred  one  afternoon 
when  Shingle-Foot,  having  gone  into  the  Holy 
of  Holies  alone,  fell  asleep  and  gave  forth  snores 
that  shook  the  House.  Luckily,  no  masters  were 
within,  and  Macnooder  hastily  diverted  sus 
picion  to  himself  while  Jay  Gould,  scrambling 
into  the  den,  seized  Shingle-Foot  by  the  throat 
and  brutally  throttled  the  disturber. 

[23] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

Still,  the  veneration  of  the  inner  brotherhood 
sufficed  not.  Often  of  evenings,  when  lights 
were  out,  and  they  were  huddled  by  the  warm 
bricks  in  whispered  ecstasy  lit  by  the  winking 
sparks  of  their  cigarettes,  Macnooder  would 
lapse  into  revery. 

"  What's  the  matter  ?"  one  would  inquire 
from  time  to  time. 

"  I'm  working  out  something  —  an  idea,"  Mac 
nooder  would  answer,  lapsing  into  taciturnity. 

But  the  great  idea  delayed  unconscionably. 
Macnooder's  suave  good  humor  turned  into  a 
fidgeting  irritability.  He  was  only  the  big  man 
of  a  House.  The  nation  was  beyond  these  sec 
tional  limits  with  its  call  to  ambition. 

Dink  Stover  had  not  yet  arrived  with  his 
Sleep  Prolonging  Devices  but  Hickey  who  had 
not  yet  left  (by  request)  had  already  pre-empted 
the  lists  of  history  with  his  nocturnal  exploits 
and  above  all  there  was  the  Tennessee  Shad, 
the  fertile  originator  of  busy  schemes  from  re 
cumbent  positions.  About  this  time  a  faculty  de 
cree  was  promulgated  against  the  right  of  every 
future  American  citizen  to  acquire  influenza, 
bronchitis  and  the  catarrhal  substitutes,  and  it 

[24] 


THE  RISE  OF  DOC  MACNOODER 

was  solemnly  announced  that  henceforth,  un 
der  odious  penalties,  every  boy  should  wear  a 
hat. 

On  the  following  morning,  while  the  indigna 
tion  was  at  its  height,  a  joyful  ripple  spread 
over  the  school,  which  rushing  to  the  fountain  of 
rumors,  beheld  the  Tennessee  Shad  lazily  slouch 
ing  across  the  Circle,  equipped  with  what  might 
legally  be  termed  a  hat.  The  rim  of  a  derby, 
stripped  of  every  vestige  of  a  crown,  reposed 
upon  the  indignant  upright  of  his  two  flanking 
ears.  It  had  been  a  hat  and  it  was  a  hat.  It 
complied  with  and  it  defied  the  tyrannous  injunc 
tion.  A  roar  of  joy  and  freedom  went  up  and 
in  ten  minutes  every  $3.00  to  |5.00  derby  in  the 
school  was  decapitated  and  the  brim  defiantly 
riding  on  the  exposed  head  of  each  rebellious 
imitator. 

The  incident  concentrated  the  already  pas 
sionate  longings  of  the  young  Macnooder.  He 
must  pass  over  the  limits  of  the  house.  He  must 
rise  to  national  scope.  He  must  prove  himself 
worthy  of  the  complexities  of  the  Tennessee 
Shad.  For  Macnooder  had  that  critical  enthusi 
asm  for  the  Shad  that  the  man  of  practical  per- 

[25] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
ceptions  has  for  the  irresponsibilities  of  a  man 
of  genius.  The  imagination  of  the  Tennessee 
Shad  must  be  turned  to  practical  results,  as 
Niagara,  stupendous  in  itself,  has  waited  for 
centuries  to  be  harnessed  to  the  pockets  of  busi 
ness.  He,  Macnooder,  would  prove  his  right, 
capitalize  the  Tennessee  Shad,  form  the  firm  of 
Macnooder  and  the  Tennessee  Shad,  and  putting 
it  on  a  sound  business  basis,  develop  it  into  a 
source  of  revenue. 

In  this  mood  he  was  bumping  up  the  stairs  one 
afternoon,  when  he  came  to  an  alarmed  and  sud 
den  halt.  Directly  opposite,  from  the  crack  of 
the  Pink  Rabbit's  door,  came  a  faint,  but  unmis 
takable  odor  of  tobacco. 

Now'  the  Pink  Rabbit  was  among  the  cheru 
bim  and  seraphim  of  the  school.  Macnooder 
could  hardly  believe  his  senses.  He  advanced  a 
few  steps,  cocked  his  head  on  one  side  and  drew 
in  a  deep  breath.  The  odor  was  strange,  but 
distinctly  of  the  Demon  Tobacco. 

Macnooder,  hastily  sliding  around  the  door, 
beheld,  in  fact,  the  Pink  Rabbit,  propped  up  in 
bed,  reading  a  novel,  devouring  a  box  of  taffy, 
and  smoking  a  cigarette. 

[26] 


THE  RISE  OF  DOC  MACNOODER 

"For  the  love  of  Mike,  Rabbit!  What  are 
you  doing?  "  he  exclaimed. 

"  What's  the  matter? "  said  the  invalid 
hoarsely  from  his  couch. 

But  here  Macnooder  suddenly  sniffed  the  air. 

"  Cubebs !  "  he  said. 

"  Sure." 

"  But  that's  smoking." 

"  Not  at  all.  Doctor  Charlie  prescribed 
them  —  cure  asthma,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing." 

"Cubebs  are  not  tobacco?"  said  Macnooder, 
who  had  missed  the  preliminary  stages. 

"  No,  you  chump." 

"  And  they're  good  for  colds,  you  say." 

"  Hay  fever  and  asthma." 

"  Well,  I'll  be  jig-swiggered." 

Macnooder  continued  to  his  room  in  a  state  of 
scientific  speculation,  halted  by  the  window  and, 
digging  his  fists  into  his  pockets,  stared  out  at 
the  Circle,  around  which  a  dozen  fellows  were 
laboriously  plodding  in  penance. 

"  Cubebs  aren't  tobacco,"  he  repeated  for  the 
tenth  time.  "  By  the  great  horned  spoon,  there 
certainly  is  something  in  that  idea." 

That  night,  in  the  Holy  of  Holies,  Macnooder 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

was  more  silent  than  usual,  though  this  time  it 
was  with  a  purpose. 

"  Doc's  in  love,"  said  Shingle-Foot,  suspi 
ciously. 

"  I  believe  he  is." 

"  He  certainly  acts  off  his  feed." 

This  sally  failed  to  awaken  Macnooder. 

"  She  doesn't  love  him." 

"  She  loves  another." 

"  Poor  old  Doc." 

Macnooder  calmed  them  with  a  disdainful  flut 
ter  of  his  hand. 

"  I'll  tell  you,"  he  said  impressively,  "  what's 
been  occupying  me." 

"  Go  ahead." 

"  I'm  tired  of  local  reputations." 

"  Oh,  you  are,"  said  Sport  McAllister  critic 
ally;  for  he  thought  it  was  time  that  even  Mac 
nooder  should  be  discouraged. 

"  I  am." 

"  Indeed ! —  and  what  will  satisfy  you,  you 
conceited,  brassy,  top-heavy  squirt?" 

"  Nothing  but  an  international  reputation," 
said  Macnooder,  disdaining  to  notice'  the  mere 
flight  of  epithets. 

[23] 


THE  EISE  OF  DOC  MACNOODER 

"  You  don't  say  so !  " 

"  And  now  I've  got  it." 

"  Dear  me !  " 

"  I've  got  the  greatest  stunt  that  was  ever 
pulled  off  in  any  school,  at  any  time,  in  any 
country." 

"Well,  we're  listening." 

"  I'll  put  it  this  way.  What  would  happen  if 
the  faculty  got  on  to  the  Holy  of  Holies?  " 

"  I'd  be  guiding  a  plow  in  South  Idaho,"  said 
McAllister  frankly. 

"  The  use  of  tobacco  in  any  form  is  pro 
hibited." 

"  And  punishable  by  suspension,"  said  Jay 
Gould.  "  So  says  the  catalogue.  Pass  the  cof 
fin-nails." 

"  Well,  this  is  what  I  propose  to  do,"  said 
Macnooder,  "  I  propose  to  go  two  times  around 
the  Circle,  in  full  sight  of  every  master  in  the 
whole  place,  smoking  a  cigarette." 

"  Kepeat  that,"  said  Jay  Gould. 

Macnooder  firmly  complied. 

u  Oh,  at  night !  "  said  Tinkles  Bell  scornfully ; 
"  that's  an  easy  one." 

"  No,  in  full  daylight." 
[29] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  And  remain  in  the  school?  " 

"  And  remain  in  the  school.'' 

"  Repeat  the  whole  proposition  again." 

"  Are  you  a  betting  man?  "  said  Sport  McAllis 
ter,  when  Macnooder  had  stated  the  proposition 
the  third  time. 

"  First,  last  and  always." 

"  I  will  bet  you,"  said  Sport  McAllister,  try 
ing  to  still  the  eagerness  in  his  voice,  "  I  will  bet 
you  my  monthly  allowance  from  now  until  the 
close  of  the  year.  Take  it,  it's  yours." 

"  I'll  attend  to  that  bet." 

"What?"  said  McAllister,  hardly  believing 
his  good  fortune.  "  You  take  it?  " 

"  The  word  was  <  Attend.1 " 

"  To  smoke  a  cigarette  while  walking  twice 
around  the  Circle  in  full  daylight,  and  not  get 
suspended." 

"  Exactly." 

"  Will  you  write  that  down?  "  said  McAllister, 
who  began  to  plan  how  he  should  enjoy  the  bless 
ings  of  Providence. 

"  We  have  witnesses." 

"When  will  you  do  it?"  said  Jay  Gould. 

"  Within  one  week." 

[30] 


THE  RISE  OF  DOC  MACNOODER 

The  next  day  Macnooder  caught  a  cold  which 
thickened  considerably  by  the  following  morn 
ing.  Despite  this,  he  announced  to  the  expect 
ant  House  that  the  attempt  would  be  made  at 
one-thirty  that  afternoon. 

Promptly  at  that  hour  Sport  McAllister,  Jay 
Gould,  Tinkles  and  Shingle-Foot,  according  to 
agreement,  repaired  to  the  Dickinson  House, 
armed  with  opera-glasses,  and  spreading  the 
great  news.  The  word  having  circulated,  the 
five  Houses  that  bordered  the  Circle,  as  well 
as  the  long  outline  of  the  Upper,  were  sud 
denly  and  theatrically  alive  with  spectators, 
carefully  masked  (also  according  to  re 
quest)  by  hand-screens  and  window-curtains. 

"  Aw,  he'll  never  dare,"  said  Sport  McAllister 
to  the  Tennessee  Shad,  who  was  furnishing  the 
window. 

"  Perhaps  he's  been  fired  already." 

"  I'll  bet  there's  a  catch  in  it." 

"  Why,  every  master  in  the  place  is  around 
now." 

"  Sure ;  he  couldn't  go  ten  yards  before  Rob 
inson  in  the  Cleve  would  nab  him." 

"Aw,  he'll  never  dare,"  repeated  Sport  Me- 
[31] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

Allister.  In  the  misfortune  of  his  friend,  lie 
found  not  only  a  certain  pleasure,  but  a  prom 
ised  easing  of  the  money  stringency. 

«  What's  that?  » 

"  Where?  " 

"  Just  coming  behind  the  trees." 

"  It's  Macnooder !  " 

«  No !  » 

"  It  certainly  is !  " 

It  was  Macnooder,  stepping  briskly  forward. 
His  throat,  to  emphasize  its  delicate  condition, 
was  wrapped  around  with  several  knitted  scarfs ; 
while,  besides  a  sweater,  he  wore  in  the  warm 
month  of  October  a  winter  overcoat. 

When  precisely  opposite  the  Upper,  and  in 
full  sight  of  the  Houses,  Macnooder  deliberately 
halted  and  bringing  forth  a  box,  lighted  a  cu'beb 
cigarette. 

Then,  puffing  it  forth  voluminously,  he  start 
ed  around  the  Circle.  The  nearest  House  was 
the  Cleve,  wherein  dwelt  not  only  the  Muffin 
Head  but  Brotherly  Love  Baldwin,  the  young 
assistant,  who  had  new  ideas  on  educa 
tion. 

As  luck  would  have  it,  at  that  precise  moment 
[32] 


THE  EISE  OF  DOC  MACNOODER 

Baldwin    was   on    the   threshold,    preparing   to 
cross  the  Circle. 

At  the  sight  of  Macnooder,  steaming  briskly 
along  his  way,  he  stiffened  one  moment  with 
horror;  and  the  next,  shot  violently  after  the 
offender.  He  did  not  exactly  leap  forward,  but 
there  was  in  his  advance  all  the  growling  rush 
of  a  bounding  dog. 

Macnooder,  from  the  tail  of  his  eye,  beheld 
the  sweeping  approach  and  blew  forth  a  particu 
larly  voluminous  cloud. 

"Stop!" 

Macnooder  came  to  a  halt  in  gentle  surprise. 

"  How  dare  you?  "  exclaimed  Baldwin,  almost 
incapable  of  speech. 

"  What's  wrong,  sir?  "  said  Macnooder  thickly. 

Among  the  spectators  in  the  Houses  there  was 
a  sudden  terrified  craning  forward. 

"  Throw  that  cigarette  down !  this  instant  — 
you  young  reprobate !  " 

Macnooder  was  seized  with  a  fit  of  coughing. 

"  Please,  sir,"  he  said  finally,  "  I'm  trying  to 
work  off  a  cold.  It's  only  a  cubeb." 

"A  what?" 

"  A  cubeb,  sir." 

[33] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

Mr.  Baldwin  began  to  suspect  that  he  had 
bounded  into  a  trap.  So  he  said  with  dignity: 

"  Were  these  prescribed  by  Dr.  Jackson  ?  " 

"Oh,  yes,  indeed,  sir.  Of  course,  a  cubeb 
isn't  tobacco.'7 

"  But  smoking  is  forbidden." 

"Oh,  no,  sir." 

"  What ! » 

"  Catalogue  only  forbids  use  of  tobacco.  Cu- 
bebs  are  a  medicine." 

Mr.  Baldwin  stood  rubbing  his  chin,  thor 
oughly  perplexed.  Macnooder,  with  serious 
face,  waited  patiently  the  outcome  of  his  di 
lemma.  Now,  of  course,  Mr.  Baldwin  could 
have  ordered  him  to  desist  from  any  public  dis 
play  so  liable  to  misconstruction  ,and  so  upset 
ting  of  discipline.  But  he  did  not;  and  the 
reason  was  the  very  human  motive  that  actuates 
the  oppressor  and  the  oppressed.  He  had  been 
caught,  and  he  wanted  someone  else  to  share 
the  ignominy. 

When  the  spying  school  (who  of  course  saw 
only  a  cigarette)  actually  beheld  Mr.  Baldwin 
retire  and  Macnooder  continue  on  his  way, 
smoking,  a  spasm  of  horrified  amazement  swept 

[34] 


THE  RISE  OF  DOC  MACNOODER 

the  audience,  in  the  midst  of  which  young  Pewee 
Davis  fell  from  the  second  story,  carrying  away 
the  vines. 

Nothing  more  happened  until  the  first  turn 
had  been  completed,  when  Macnooder  encoun 
tered  Mr.  Jenkins,  popularly  known  as  Fuzzy- 
Wuzzy.  Mr.  Jenkins  was  near-sighted;  and 
though  he  taught  mathematics,  his  perceptions 
were  not  those  of  a  lightning  calculator. 

When,  on  the  pleasant  meandering  specula 
tion  of  his  mind,  Macnooder  suddenly  intruded, 
he  stopped  dead,  raising  his  hand  to  his  specta 
cles  to  assure  himself  that  he  actually  saw. 

Macnooder,  rounding  the  turn,  saluted  re 
spectfully  and  continued  his  nonchalant  way. 

"  Macnooder?  " 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  Macnooder,  stopping  at  once. 

"  Er  —  er." 

Macnooder  inclined  his  head  in  an  expectant 
sort  of  way  until  Mr.  Jenkins  was  quite  able  to 
frame  his  words. 

"  Are  you  smoking  a  cigarette?  "  said  the  mas 
ter  slowly. 

"A  cubeb,  sir,  not  tobacco,"  continued  Mac- 
the  cigarette ;  "  breaks  up  colds,  sir." 

[35] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

Mr.  Jenkins  fidgeted  with  his  eye-glasses  and 
stared  very  hard  at  him. 

"A  cubeb,  sir,  no  tobacco,"  continued  Mac- 
nooder,  allowing  the  aromatic  odor  to  drift  in 
his  direction. 

"  A  cubeb  — "  repeated  Mr.  Jenkins  slowly, 
pulling  his  beard. 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  Macnooder. 

He  waited  a  moment  and  tipping  his  hat  went 
on  his  way,  leaving  the  perplexed  master  fairly 
rooted  in  his  tracks. 

Mr.  Smith,  the  Muffin  Head,  the  next  to  be 
encountered,  was  older  in  experience,  and  can 
nier.  Likewise,  he  had  witnessed  the  last  en 
counter;  so,  instead  of  risking  his  reputation  by 
rushing  madly  forth,  he  took  up  a  book  and 
started  ostensibly  for  the  library,  carefully  cal 
culating  his  time  and  distance  so  as  to  cross 
Macnooder's  path  without  seeming  to  have 
sought  the  meeting. 

That  there  was  a  trap  somewhere,  he  was  con 
vinced.  So,  carefully  repressing  the  instinctive 
desire  to  spring  upon  the  Haunter  of  the  scholas 
tic  red  rag,  he  approached  all  alert.  A  slight 
wind  brought  him  the  unmistakable  odor  of  the 

[36] 


THE  KISE  OF  DOG  MACNOODER 
cubeb.     Now,  as  it  happened,  he,  too,  had  suf 
fered    from    bronchial    affliction    and    was    no 
stranger  to  this  remedy.     So,  when  Macnooder 
came  to  a  stop,  he  said  with  a  superior  smile : 

"  Yes,  what  is  it,  Macnooder?  " 

"Please,  sir,  did  you  want  to  speak  to  me?  " 
said  Macnooder  himself  surprised. 

"About  what?" 

"  I  thought  — " 

"  Oh,  about  smoking  a  cubeb?     Not  at  all." 

"  I  beg  pardon,  sir." 

"  You  have  a  bad  cold,  I  see." 

"Yes,  sir!     Yes,  sir!" 

"  That's  very  good  for  it." 

The  Muffin  Head,  chuckling  with  satisfaction, 
continued  on  his  way.     He,  too,  in  the  natural 
course  should  have  sent  Macnooder  to  his  room: 
but  again   the  little  human  strain  prevented 
At  the   entrance  to   Memorial,   he  turned  an 
looked  back  to  see  who  would  fall  into  the  tra 
he  had  evaded. 

This  was  too  much  for  the  now  utterly  flab 
bergasted  school  —  the  Muffin  Head,  of  all  mas 
ters;  the  strictest  of  disciplinarians;  the  most 
relentless  of  task-masters!  In  rapid  succession 

[37] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
the  school  then  beheld  a  dozen  more  masters 
take  the  bait,  some  fairly  galloping  down  with 
rage,  others  suspiciously  sniffing  the  air.  By 
the  time  Macnooder  had  completed  four  rounds, 
there  remained  only  Mr.  Baranson,  of  the  Gris- 
wold,  who  had  not  been  tempted  out  to  investi 
gate. 

Macnooder  made  one  more  round  writh  his  eye 
on  the  study  of  the  Griswold,  hoping  against 
hope.  Finally  he  said: 

"Well,  here  goes!  Someone  has  put  him  on 
—  he's  too  cute  to  come  out !  " 

Then,  secure  and  triumphant,  he  discarded  the 
stump  of  the  cubeb  and  lit  a  real  cigarette,  com 
pleting,  without  mishap,  twice  the  rounds  of  the 
Circle. 

Now,  Mr.  Baranson,  who  rightly  bore  the  title 
of  the  craftiest  of  the  crafty,  had  witnessed  the 
whole  performance,  chuckling  hugely  at  the  suc 
cessive  discomfitures  of  his  associates,  and 
finally  guessing  the  explanation. 

The  Muffin  Head,  on  his  return  from  the 
library,  hoping  that  he  had  not  been  seen, 
dropped  in  for  an  artful  call ;  and  at  the  proper 
moment  paused  before  the  window,  exclaiming: 

[38] 


THE  RISE  OF  DOC  MACNOODER 

"  By  George,  what's  that!  " 

Mr.  Baranson  doubled  up  with  laughter  at  the 
obviousness  of  the  trap.  When  he  had  finally 
wiped  the  tears  from  his  eyes,  he  said  in  a 
slightly  superior  manner: 

"  Smith,  if  you're  going  to  deal  with  boys,  you 
must  use  your  imagination.  You  must  out- 
think  them.  That's  the  only  way,  Smith;  the 
only  way.  Don't  walk  into  their  traps,  don't  do 
it.  Every  time  a  master  lets  himself  be  fooled, 
he  loses  some  of  his  authority.  Imagination, 
Smith ;  imagination !  " 

But  an  hour  later,  at  dusk,  he  began  to  con 
sider,  to  wreigh  and  to  speculate;  and  the  more 
he  analyzed  the  situation,  the  more  he  began  to 
wonder  if  he  had  seen  the  last  curtain.  He  left 
the  House  and  went  slowly  toward  the  road 
Macnooder  had  traveled,  and  his  eyes  were  on 
the  ground  where  the  last  cigarette  stump  had 
fallen.  Suddenly  behind  him  a  voice  said  solici 
tously  : 

"  Have  you  lost  anything,  Mr.  Baranson  ?  " 

It  was  Macnooder. 

The  two  stood  a  long  moment,  master  and  boy, 
the  craftiest  of  the  crafty  and  the  ambitious 

[39] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
Maenooder,  glance  to  glance,  one  of  those  silent 
interrogatories  that  can  not  be  described. 

"  Your  cold  seems  to  have  gone,"  said  Mr. 
Baranson  at  length,  dealing  out  his  words. 
Then  he  added,  with  a  slightly  twitching,  gener 
ous  smile,  "  I  congratulate  you!  " 


[40] 


CHAPTER  II 

INTRODUCING   THE   TENNESSEE  SHAD 

Macnooder's  success  in  performing  the  impos 
sible  feat  of  circling  the  Circle  smoking  a  genu 
ine,  bona  fide  non-cubeb  cigarette,  brought  him 
at  once  the  national  reputation  he  had  yearned 
for,  but  still  left  him  short  of  his  ambition. 
The  Tennessee  Shad  had  been  too  long  en 
trenched  in  his  own  particular  position  of  public 
admiration  to  relinquish  a  foot  of  his  vantage 
simply  because  a  new  and  ingenious  claimant 
had  arrived.  He  considered  Macnooder  care 
fully,  even  solicitously,  and  listened  with  delib 
eration  to  his  crafty  schemes  of  profitable  pro 
moting.  He  was  interested  but  he  was  not  con 
vinced.  Once  or  twice  before  he  admitted  Mac- 
nooder's  equality  he  would  have  put  him  to  the 
test. 

Such  was  the  condition  of  affairs  when  one 
Sunday  afternoon  the  House  was  gathered  in 
Lovely  Mead's  rooms  recuperating  from  the  fa- 

[41] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
tigues  of  a   categorical  sermon  preached   that 
morning  by  a  visiting  missionary. 

"  Gee,  Sunday's  a  bore !  "  said  the  Egghead, 
on  the  window-seat,  sticking  a  pin  in  Lovely 
Mead's  leg  to  make  room  for  his  own. 

"  Ouch ! "  said  Lovely  in  surprised  indigna 
tion.  "  I've  a  mind  to  lick  you,  Egghead." 

"  Wish  you  would  —  anything  for  excite 
ment!" 

"  What  let's  do?  "  said  Macnooder  from  under 
the  desk-lamp,  where  he  was  pretending  to  read. 

"  Let's  do  something  devilish." 

"Ah,  December's  too  cold." 

"  I  have  an  idea,"  drawled  out  the  Tennessee 
Shad  from  the  fire-rug,  where  he  lay  pillowed  on 
the  Gutter  Pup's  sleepy  form.  "  Let's  eat  some 
thing." 

At  this  there  was  a  mild  commotion  on  the 
window-seat,  where  four  forms  lay  curled, 
puppy  fashion. 

"  Eat  what?  " 

"  I  was  sort  of  speculating  on  a  Welsh  rabbit," 
said  the  Shad  in  a  nasal  drawl. 

"  That's  about  up  to  your  usual  brand  of 
ideas,  you  thin,  elongated,  bony  Tennessee 

[43] 


THE  RISE  OF  DOC  MACNOODER 
Shad,"   said   the   Gutter   Pup   contemptuously. 
"  Where  are  we  going  to  get  anything  on  a  Sun 
day  evening?  " 

"  I  have  a  hunch,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad 
languidly.  "  I  have  a  most  particular  hunch 
that  Poler  Fox  was  seen  Saturday  afternoon 
buying  a  luscious,  fat  and  juicy  piece  of  cheese 
at  Doc  Forrnan's.  Question  to  the  jury:  Is  or 
is  not  that  cheese?  " 

Four  figures  sat  up. 

"Poler  Fox?" 

"  What  right  has  he  to  a  piece  of  cheese?  " 

"  This  should  be  investigated !  " 

"  It  should." 

"It  will  be!" 

The  Tennessee  Shad  and  the  Gutter  Pup  went 
softly  down  one  flight  of  the  House  and  along 
the  corridor  where  Poler  Fox  burned  the  mid 
night  oil.  They  paused  and  consulted. 

"  Had  we  better  swipe  it  or  invite  him?  " 

"  Let's  try  to  swipe  it  first  —  we  can  always 
invite  him." 

"Who  ever  heard  of  keeping  a  cheese  over 
night,  anyway?  " 

"That's  right;  it's  positively  unhealthy." 
[43] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  We  really  ought  to  complain." 

"Who'll  swipe  it?" 

"  I'll  get  him  out  of  his  room,"  said  the  Ten 
nessee  Shad,  "  and  you  rush  in  and  capture  the 
milkweed." 

The  Gutter  Pup,  for  good  reason,  did  not  trust 
to  the  purity  of  the  Tennessee  Shad's  inten 
tions. 

"  Why  don't  you-  do  the  lifting?  "  he  said  sus 
piciously. 

"  You  ungrateful  Gutter  Pup,  don't  you  see? 
—  you  won't  be  seen.  He'll  know  I  was  only  a 
blind.  But  have  it  your  own  way." 

"  No,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup.  "  You  go  ahead 
and  get  him  out  of  the  room." 

He  waited,  ensconcing  himself  on  the  shadowy 
steps,  until  he  saw  the  Shad  and  Poler  Fox 
emerge  and  disappear  down  the  resounding  cor 
ridor.  Then,  quickly  gliding  to  the  abandoned 
room,  he  stepped  through  the  door,  elevated  his 
nose,  sniffed  and  considered. 

Cheeses  are  not  usually  left  unexposed  or  per 
mitted  to  lend  their  aroma  to  articles  that  are 
to  be  worn.  He  could  discard  the  bureau  draw 
ers  and  the  trunk.  He  peered  through  the  win- 

[44] 


THE  BISE  OF  DOC  MACNOODER 
dow;  it  was  not  on  the    sill.     He   opened    the 
closet    and    drew    a    long,    ineffectual    breath. 
Then  getting  down  on  his  hands  and  knees  he 
started  under  the  bed. 

At  this  moment  the  Tennessee  Shad  returned 
with  Poler  Fox. 

"  Why,  Gutter  Pup,"  said  the  Shad  blandly, 
"  what  are  you  doing  under  the  bed?  " 

"  I  came  down  to  borrow  a  trot,"  said  the  Gut 
ter  Pup,  looking  steadily  at  the  Shad ;  "  and  I 
dropped  a  dime.  I  think  it  rolled  under  the 
bed." 

."  You  weren't  trying  to  steal  Poler's  cheese, 
were  you  ?  "  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  reproach 
fully. 

"  Of  course  I  wasn't,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup  in 
dignantly. 

"  'Cause  Poler  wants  to  give  a  Welsh  rabbit 
party,"  said  the  Shad  softly,  "  and  he  mightn't 
feel  like  inviting  you  if  you  were  abusing  his 
confidence." 

The  procession  returned,  the  Tennessee  Shad 
keeping  a  safe  distance  from  the  Gutter  Pup, 
with  Poler  Fox  clutching  the  cheese  as  his  pass 
port  into  the  feast. 

[45] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

Then  a  crisis  arose. 

"  What're  you  going  to  put  in  it?  "  said  the 
Egghead  skeptically. 

"  You  can't  make  a  Welsh  rabbit  without 
beer/'  said  Turkey  Reiter. 

"Eats!"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad.  "That's 
all  you  know.  You  can  put  a  dozen  things  in." 

The  assembly  divided  radically. 

"Come  off!" 

"  What  else?  " 

"  Who  ever  heard  of  a  rabbit  without  beer?  " 

*  I've  eaten  them  with  condensed  milk." 

"  We  made  'em  in  the  Dickinson  with  ginger 
pop." 

"  Anything'll  do,  so  long  as  there's  alcohol  in 
it." 

"Oh,  murder!" 

"  Poison ! " 

"  Not  at  all  —they're  not  half  bad." 

"  Order !  "  said  the  Tennessee  Shad,  rapping 
on  the  chafing-dish.  "  I  guess  I've  eaten  and 
made  more  Welsh  rabbits  than  any  one  in  this 
bunch  of  amateurs.  Hungry  Smeed  is  right  — 
you  can  make  them  with  anything  that's  got  a 
drop  of  alcohol  in  it." 

[46] 


INTRODUCING  THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

Turkey  and  the  Egghead  put  up  their  noses 
and  bayed  at  the  ceiling. 

"  Contrary-minded  can  exit." 

The  protest  subsided  at  once. 

"  The  next  best  thing  to  beer  is  imported  gin 
ger  ale,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad.  "  Who's  got 
ginger  ale?  " 

A  silence. 

"  Who's  got  ginger  pop?  '* 

Another  silence. 

"  Boot  beer?  " 

More  silence. 

"  Sarsaparilla?  " 

"  I  have/'  said  the  Gutter  Pup,  jumping  up 
and  disappearing  under  the  window-seat. 

A  cheer  went  up. 

Suddenly  the  Gutter  Pup  bounded  out. 

"  I  put  three  bottles  of  sarsaparilla  there 
Friday  night,"  he  said  wrathfully.  "  If  I 
knew  the  low-livered  sneak  that  would 
steal  —  » 

"  Stealing  is  contemptible,"  said  the  Tennes 
see  Shad  softly,  while  every  one  looked  indig 
nant.  "  I  continue,  who's  got  any  cider?  Who's 
got  any  lemon  squash?  " 

[47] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  It's  no  use/'  said  the  gloomy  Egghead.  "  No 
rabbit  for  us !  " 

"  We  have  still  our  friends,"  said  the  persist 
ent  Shad.  "  I  move  we  begin  to  sleuth.  Re 
member,  ginger  ale  first  —  but  anything  after." 

The  party  went  off  in  couples,  all  except  the 
Tennessee  Shad,  the  Gutter  Pup,  who  didn't 
trust  the  Shad,  and  Poler  Fox,  who  didn't  trust 
the  Gutter  Pup. 

In  ten  minutes  the  Triumphant  Egghead  and 
Hungry  Sineed  returned. 

"  Anything?  "  said  the  Tennessee  Shad,  ceas 
ing  to  coax  the  melting  mass  of  cheese. 

"  Nope." 

Lovely  Mead  came  back,  and  then  Macnooder 
and  Turkey  Reiter  empty-handed.  The  gloom 
spread. 

"  What  a  beastly  shame !  " 

"  And  such  a  sweet  cheese !  " 

"  My,  what  a  lovely  smell !  " 

"  Well,  we're  beaten  —  that's  all." 

"  I  have  an  idea,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad. 
"Let's  try  witch-hazel." 

A  howl  went  up. 

"You  Indian!" 

[48] 


INTRODUCING  THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  You  assassin !  " 

"  Eat  it  yourself !  " 

"  Witch-hazel  hasn't  got  alcohol  in  it,  you  ig 
noramus  ! " 

"  Why  not?  "  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  mili- 
tantly. 

Every  one  looked  at  the  Egghead. 

"Why  not?" 

The  Egghead  found  the  answer  too  difficult 
and  remained  silent. 

"  Give  me  the  witch-hazel/'  said  the  Tennes 
see  Shad  stirring  the  rabbit  with  determined 
swoops.  "  Now  just  let  me  give  you  a  point  or 
two.  It's  only  the  alcohol  that  counts,  you  jay- 
hawkers;  the  rest  evaporates  —  goes  up  in 
steam." 

"  Hold  up,"  said  the  Egghead,  who  had  re 
covered. 

"  What's  wrong?  " 

"  I  don't  stand  for  that  scientific  explanation 
of  yours." 

"  Nor  I,"  said  Lovely  Mead,  whose  father  was 
a  chemist.  "  Say,  Doc,  you  ought  to  know. 
How  about  it?  " 

Now  Doc  Macnooder  had  more  than  a  doubt, 
[49] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

but  lie  worshipped  the  fertility  of  the  Tennessee 
Shad  and  moreover  was  seeking  an  opportunity 
to  make  a  direct  offer  of  partnership.  So  he 
looked  wise  and  said : 

"  The  Tennessee  Shad  is  right  with  this  impor 
tant  distinction.  The  witch  hazel  will  resolve  it 
self  into  a  modicum,  ahem,  of  alcohol  if  heated 
separately  and  kept  from  contact  with  the  cheese 
which  you  understand,  in  a  state  of  transmuta 
tion,  has  certain  lacto-basilic  qualities  that  ar 
rest  vaporization.  It's  quite  simple  if  you  un 
derstand  it." 

The  Tennessee  Shad  gave  him  a  grateful  look. 

"  Say,  Sport,"  said  Turkey,  only  half  reas 
sured,  "  you  may  be  right,  but  go  slow  —  sort  of 
coddle  that  witch-hazel.  Let  it  taste  more  of 
Doc  Forrnan's  grocery,  if  it's  the  same  to  you." 

"  Sure !  "  said  the  Tennessee  Shad.  "  I'll  put 
in  an  extra  load  of  mustard  and  cayenne.  Get 
those  plates  ready,  you  loafers.  Dish  out  the 
crackers.  Here  goes !  " 

Eight  plates  stood  untasted. 

"  Strange  how  my  appetite's  gone,"  said  the 
Egghead  dreamily. 

"  I  don't  feel  a  bit  hungry." 
[50] 


INTRODUCING  THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  Some  one  taste  it." 

"  Taste  it  yourself." 

"  Here,  this  won't  do,"  said  the  Shad,  frown 
ing.  "  Let's  all  begin  together." 

Eight  spoons  made  a  feint  toward  the  new 
species  of  rabbit. 

The  Tennessee  Shad  looked  thoughtful,  then 
spoke. 

"  Fellows,  I've  got  an  idea !  Let's  make  it 
sweepstakes." 

"  Good  idea." 

"  Why,  Shad,  you're  getting  intelligent." 

"  We'll  each  chip  in  a  nickel  and  the  first  one 
through  takes  the  pot,"  said  the  Shad.  "  Hun 
gry,  pass  the  tooth-mug." 

The  nickels  fell  noisily. 

"  One,  two,  three !  "  said  the  Tennessee  Shad. 

Eight  spoons  brandished  in  the  air  and  rose 
again  empty. 

"  Well,  let's  make  it  worth  while,"  said  the 
Shad.  "  Let's  sweeten  it  with  a  quarter  apiece. 
Sweepstakes,  two  dollars  and  forty  cents.  Hun 
gry,  lead  the  mug  around  again." 

Each,  as  he  dropped  in  a  quarter,  gazed  deep 
into  the  mug,  drew  a  breath  and  set  his  teeth  — • 

[51] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
two  dollars  and  forty  cents  was  a  fortune,  two 
weeks  before  Christmas. 

"  Every  one  in? "  said  the  Tennessee  Shad. 
"  No  hunchin',  Gutter  Pup  and  Hungry,  start 
fair  —  one,  two,  three,  go !  " 

Not  a  boy  faltered  —  Hungry  Snieed  won 
from  the  Gutter  Pup  by  several  strings  and  dove 
for  the  pot. 

Then  they  sat  and  looked  at  one  another. 

"  Gee,  I  feel  queer !  "  said  Turkey,  with  an  ex 
pression  of  inward  searching  on  his  face. 

"  So  do  I." 

"  I  believe  we're  poisoned." 

"I  know  I  am!" 

"  Honest,  no  joking,  I  do  feel  devilish  queer." 

"  What  in  the  deuce  did  we  do  it  for?  " 

"Who  suggested  witch-hazel?"  said  the  Gut 
ter  Pup,  clutching  at  his  indignant  digestion. 
"  I'll  fix  him." 

"Yes,  who  did?"  said  Turkey,  rising  with 
difficult  wrath. 

"  Tennessee  Shad !  " 

Seven  writhing  forms  sprang  up  furiously. 

The  Tennessee  Shad,  with  a  perfect  compre 
hension  of  dramatic  values,  had  slipped  away, 

leaving  his  plate  untouched. 

[52] 


CHAPTER  III 

THE   BEGINNING   OF   THE    FIRM 

Doc  Macnooder  bore  no  grudge.  Even  the 
recollected  spasms  of  what  might  properly  be 
termed  his  youthful  /^digestion,  brought  with 
them,  no  feeling  of  malice  toward  the  Tennessee 
Shad.  On  the  contrary  though  his  attempts  at 
a  mercantile  union  were  continually  repulsed, 
the  determination  held  fast  within  him  to  turn 
to  profit  what  was  now  only  turned  to  mischief, 
and  accident  finally  supplied  the  welding  touch 
in  the  following  manner. 

In  those  days  when  the  Gymnasium  was  still 
an  oft-promised  land,  the  winter  term,  from 
January  to  April,  was  to  the  embattled  Faculty 
what  the  Indian  season  was  to  the  early  pio 
neers.  Four  hundred-odd,  combustible  boys, 
deprived  of  outlet,  cooped  up  for  days  by  slush 
and  sleet,  presented  in  miniature  that  same  state 
of  frothy  unrest  from  which  spout  forth  South 
American  somersaults  and  Balkan  explosions. 
[53] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

It  takes  usually  two  weeks  for  the  exhausted 
boy  to  recuperate  from  the  Christmas  vacation, 
but  from  about  the  twentieth  of  January  the 
physical  body  overtakes  the  imagination  and 
things  begin  to  happen. 

Toward  the  first  week  of  February  there  gath 
ered  in  the  Triumphant  Egghead's  room  ten  dis 
gusted  members  of  the  House,  utterly  wearied 
with  life,  especially  bored  with  the  present  and 
without  the  slightest  hope  for  the  future. 

Outside  a  steady,  sleety  downpour  brought 
feeble  icicles  from  the  roof  and  ran  rivulets 
through  the  muddied  snowbanks. 

"  Now,  it's  turned  to  rain  again,"  announced 
Hungry  Smeed,  with  his  nose  applied  to  the 
window-pane  while  his  waving  heels  cast  shad 
ows  on  the  wall.  Nice,  wet,  oozy,  luscious 
rain." 

"  Let's  all  go  bicycling,"  said  Lovely  Mead 
facetiously. 

"What  time  is  it?"  asked  the  Gutter  Pup 
from  the  crowd  on  the  couch. 

"  Just  two  o'clock." 

A  groan  went  up. 

"Is  that  all?" 

[54] 


THE  BEGINNING  OF  THE  FIRM 

"  Thought  it  was  after  four." 

"What  is  there  to  do?" 
"  It's  still  raining,  fellows,"  said  Smeed  from 
the  window,  and  the  conversation  ceased. 

"  Do  you  think  Yale'll  beat  Princeton?  "  asked 
Turkey  Reiter  at  last. 

"  Stop  trying  to  make  conversation,"  said  Doc 
Macnooder  resentfully,  "  and  don't  move  any 
more;  you're  the  deuce  of  a  sofa  pillow." 

"Who's  going  to  the  Prom?  "  inquired  Crazy 
Opdyke  feebly. 

"  Crazy,  you  annoy  me,"  said  Butcher ;  "  you 
annoy  me  and  disturb  my  rest.  Don't  propound 
questions." 

"Say,  fellows!"  said  Smeed  in  great  excite 
ment. 

"What?" 

"  It's  snowing!  " 

The  door  opened  a  crack  and  the  Tennessee 
Shad  slipped  in. 

"  What's  doing,  fellows?  " 

"  We're  exhausted  with  excitement !  "  said  Old 
Ironsides  Smith  sarcastically.  "  We're  trying 
to  rest  up  for  the  next  debauch,  you  precocious 
young  skeleton." 

[55] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  Say,  fellows,  I've  got  an  idea,"  said  the  Ten 
nessee  Shad,  draping  himself  over  the  desk. 

"  Oh,  go  away !  " 

"  It's  a  corker !  " 

"  Huh !  Another  of  those  witch-hazel  rab 
bits?" 

"  No,  no,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad,  hurriedly 
skipping  that  disastrous  episode.  "  This  is  a 
sensation ! " 

"  Of  course !  " 

"  Never  mind  —  let  him  speak  his  piece." 

"  Let's  form,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  slowly 
-  "  let's  form  a  Criminal  Club." 

"  A  what?  " 

Macnooder,  with  an  awakening  hope,  sat  up, 
wondering  if  the  brain  factory  was  again  work 
ing. 

"  Criminal  Club  —  convicts  and  that  sort  of 
thing.  We'll  shave  off  our  heads  and  go  about 
lock-step." 

"  And  initiate  new  members? "  cried  Goat 
Finney. 

"  Sure." 

"  And  go  into  chapel  to-morrow  morning  lock- 
step?" 

[56] 


THE  BEGINNING  OF  THE  FIRM 

"  Of  course !  " 

"  Gee,  wliat  a  peach  of  an  idea !  " 

"  Can  you  see  the  Doctor's  face?  " 

"  Oh,  mother !  " 

"  Hurray ! " 

"  Hurrah ! » 

"  Hurroo !  " 

Into  the  dry  pit  of  baffled  energy  an  idea  had 
fallen,  and  in  a  moment  all  was  flame  and  fury. 

"  Shad,  this  is  a  good  one,"  said  Turkey,  rous 
ing  himself.  "  We'll  call  it  quits  on  that  rab 
bit  —  only  —  only,  remembering  the  past,  we 
would  like  to  have  assurances  from  you,  assur 
ances  and  guarantees." 

"  I  second  the  motion  most  emphatically," 
said  the  Gutter  Pup  revengefully. 

The  fate  of  the  Criminal  Club  hung  in  the 
balance. 

"  Look  at  this,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad. 
And  he  removed  his  sombrero. 

From  ear  to  ear,  from  the  nape  of  his  neck  to 
the  blade  of  his  nose,  he  was  as  smooth  as  a 
china  egg.  The  day  was  won  in  a  rollicking 
cheer. 

"  Oh,  look  at  him !     Look  at  him !  " 
[57] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"Isn't  he  wonderful?" 

"  Bee-oo-tiful !  » 

"  Me  for  a  convict!  " 

"Can  you  see  the  sensation?" 

"Bully  for  the  Shad!" 

"  Let's  do  it  now." 

"  Come  on !  » 

Five  minutes  of  scurrying  to  and  fro,  for 
scissors  and  shaving  kits,  and  the  Triumphant 
Egghead's  room  presented  the  spectacle  of  an 
improvised  barber  shop. 

"  How'll  we  begin?  "  said  the  Gutter  Pup. 

"  Who  goes  first?  " 

"  Supposin'  we  draw  for  it." 

"  Who  does  the  shaving?  " 

"  We  can't  shave  back  of  our  own  ears." 

"  The  way  to  do  it,"  said  Macnooder,  looking 
at  the  Tennessee  Shad,  "is  for  one-half  of  us 
to  shave  the  other  half." 

"  That's  it." 

"  Let  her  go  at  that." 

«  Who  first?  " 

But  here  a  difficulty  arose.  No  one  cared  to 
go  first. 

"  This  won't  do,"  said  the  fiery-headed  Gutter 
[58] 


THE  BEGINNING  OF  THE  FIRM 

Pup,  repulsing  the  offers  of  Doc  Macnooder. 
"  If  I'm  going  to  shed  my  shade  trees  —  I  don't 
trust  any  man,  least  of  all  Doc  Macnooder." 

"What  do  you  mean?" 

"  I  mean  no  one  scalps  any  of  my  hair  till  I 
get  a  guarantee  off  his." 

"Eats!"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad.  "Gutter 
Pup's  a  natural-born  kicker.  Go  ahead,  Doc, 
and  give  him  an  object-lesson." 

But  Macnooder,  though  sympathetic  to  the 
Tennessee  Shad,  was  on  the  defensive  as  far  as 
it  concerned  the  Gutter  Pup. 

"  In  the  present  state  of  the  Gutter  Pup's 
mind  —  no ! "  he  said  thoughtfully.  "  No, 
I've  got  to  see  a  nice  white  boulevard  on  those 
red  lands  before  I  consent  to  laying  out 
mine." 

"  Will  some  one  else  start  her  up?  " 

In  the  silence  that  ensued  Old  Ironsides 
noisily  dropped  a  pin. 

"  Shad,"  said  the  pessimistic  Egghead,  "  it's 
a  good  scheme  of  yours,  a  bully  good  scheme; 
the  only  trouble  is  there  doesn't  seem  to  be 
enough  mutual  confidence.  I  guess  the  ver- 
dict'll  have  to  be  premature  death." 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  Shad,  old  sporting  print,"  said  Turkey, 
"have  you  any  suggestion  for  harmony?  " 

"  Nothing  easier,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad, 
locking  the  door  and  pocketing  the  key. 
"There's  one  guarantee  and  here's  another. 
Stand  up,  form  a  circle,  every  one  face  the  man 
tos  his  right,  grab  the  shoulders  of  the  man  in 
front  of  you,  sit  down  slowly  on  the  knees  of  the 
fellow  behind  you,  the  fellow  in  front  sits  down 
on  yours,  slowly,  slowly.  There  you  are. 
That's  the  way  the  Zouaves  do  it." 

The  ten  found  themselves  in  a  circle,  com 
fortably  seated  and  seating. 

"  There's  the  answer,"  said  the  ringmaster 
triumphantly;  "you  shave  and  get  shaved,  no 
first  and  no  last;  the  happy  family;  safety  razors 
only.  Now,  get  up,  stick  on  the  towels  and  start 
with  the  scissors  first." 

The  Tennessee  Shad  enthroned  himself  on  a 
table  as  master  of  ceremonies,  while  the  hilarious 
circle  formed  about  him  in  a  bedlam  of  exclama 
tion. 

"  How  the  deuce  is  Hungry  Smeed  going 
to  reach  up  to  Turkey?  " 

"  Stick  Mm  on  a  chair,  you  chump !" 
[60] 


THE  BEGINNING  OF  THE  FIRM 

"  I  don't  want  the  Gutter  Pup." 

"  Aw,  send  him  over  here." 

"  Stop  bobbing  that  head,  you  Butcher." 

"  Shorten  the  circle." 

"  I  can't  get  Crazy's  scalp  lock." 

"  When  do  we  begin?  " 

"  Say  when,  Shad." 

"All  ready." 

"  Let  her  go !  "  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  from 
his  perch. 

Pretty  soon  protests  broke  out. 

"  Ouch !  " 

"  Do  you  think  you're  biting  them  off  ?  " 

"  Be  a  litle  careless  back  there." 

"  Say,  who's  got  the  Gutter  Pup?  Murder 
him !  " 

"  Moses !  " 

"  Kezowy ! " 

"  Help ! » 

"  Better  be  careful,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad 
warningly ;  "  in  a  moment  you're  going  to  face 
the  other  way." 

The  shears  snipped  more  gently. 

"  What  do  we  do  when  we  get  through  the 
back?"  said  Goat  Finney. 

[61] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  You  lather  it  and  shave." 

"  What  about  the  rest?  " 

"  The  front's  easy  enough ;  any  one  can  do 
that." 

In  an  hour  every  head  was  as  bald  as  a  sap 
ling  in  a  hurricane.  They  stood  and  gazed  at 
one  another,  shrieking  with  laughter.  They 
hugged  one  another,  rolled  on  the  floor  in  joyful 
battling  groups,  and  blessed  the  imagination 
that  had  turned  a  slough  of  despond  into  a 
vaudeville.  On  the  last  stroke  of  the  dinner- 
bell,  solemnly,  in  lock-step,  led  by  Hungry 
Smeed  and  grading  up  to  the  mighty  Turkey 
Eeiter,  eleven  glistening  heads  in  sequence  de 
scended  on  the  dining-room.  At  the  same  mo 
ment,  from  the  north  entrance,  appeared  a  chain- 
gang  of  eight,  equally  void  of  hair,  led  by 
Mucker  Eeilly,  followed  by  Snorky  Green, 
Beauty  Sautelle,  Tough  McCarthy,  Charlie  De- 
Soto,  Piggy  Moore,  Pink  Kabbit  and  the 
Waladoo  Bird! 

The  duplicity  of  the  Tennessee  Shad  was  for 
gotten  in  the  masterly  climax  he  had  imagined. 
The  rival  clubs  met  and  agreed  to  proselyte  and 
divide  the  school. 

[62] 


THE  BEGINNING  OF  THE  FIRM 
At  eight  o'clock  the  next  morning,  when  the 
Doctor,  all  unaware,  stood  in  his  pulpit,  rub 
bing  his  glasses  and  shooting  careful  glances 
along  the  crowded  pews,  suddenly  a  shriek  went 
up.  Marching  proudly  with  gleeful  faces,  two 
gangs  of  bald-headed  boys  suddenly  appeared 
abreast,  and  in  rhythmic  step  came  down  the 
aisles  amid  the  gasps,  the  shrieks  and  roars  of 
the  school. 

Now,  there  are  two  things  a  head  master  must 
control:  his  temper  and,  above  all,  his  sense  of 
humor.  The  situation  was  serious;  a  smile 
would  have  been  fatal.  Something  had  to  be 
done  at  once  or  within  a  day  there  would  not  be 
enough  hair  left  in  the  excited  school  to  tuft 
the  head  of  a  Japanese  doll.  He  set  his  teeth 
and  stared  his  most  terrific  stare  at  a  point 
where  the  double  row  of  bald  heads  faded  from 
the  vision.  Luckily  the  service  allowed  him  to 
stifle  his  amusement  and  fan  up  his  wrath  by 
calling  up  the  horrible  vision  of  the  threatening 
epidemic. 

"  Never  in  my  experience,  in  my  whole  ex 
perience  as  a  scholar  or  a  teacher,"  he  began, 
glaring  with  painful  ferocity  at  the  denuded 

[63] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
culprits,  "  never  have  I  known  such  willful,  ma 
licious  and  outrageous  desecration  of  the  house 
of  the  Lord  as  you  young  scalawags  have  shown 
to-day.  I  do  not  know  whether  I  shall  expel  you 
outright  or  deprive  you  of  your  diplomas ;  I  shall 
wait  until  I  can  consider  the  matter  more  calmly. 
But  this  I  can  say  right  now,  if  any  other  in 
cipient  imbecile  in  this  school  dares  to  imitate 
this  exhibition  of  monumental  asininity  that  boy 
will  leave  this  school  within  an  hour  and  never 
return.  I  will  see  these  deluded  boys  in  my 
study  after  lunch." 

The  members  of  the  newly-formed  House- 
breakers;  Union  went  out  quietly,  stealing  ap 
prehensive  glances  at  one  another. 

At  two  o'clock,  as  they  huddled  together  in 
the  solemn  study,  each  striving  to  occupy  an 
unexposed  position,  T.  Dean  Smith,  secretary, 
appeared,  and,  after  gazing  in  fascination  at 
them,  said: 

"Well,  boys,  you  certainly  have  riled  the 
Doctor  this  time.  You'd  better  go  back  quietly." 

"  Oh,  Smithy,  won't  he  see  us?  "  said  the  Pink 
Eabbit  in  a  panic,  while  others  exclaimed: 

"  Is  he  going  to  fire  us?  " 
[64] 


THE  BEGINNING  OF  THE  FIKM 

"  Will  lie  take  away  our  dips?  " 

"  What  does  he  say?  " 

"  Is  he  rnad  as  a  hornet?  " 

"  He  says  he  won't  trust  himself  to  see  you 
now/'  said  Smith  gravely,  without  mentioning 
the  reason  why  the  mirth-tortured  Doctor 
wouldn't  trust  himself  to  face  that  side-splitting 
spectacle.  "  I'd  lay  pretty  quiet  for  a  while,  if 
I  were  you  fellows.  Let  it  blow  over  a  little." 

"  Gee ! "  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  in  disgust, 
as  they  filed  through  the  gloomy  portals. 
"  Can't  he  have  a  sense  of  humor?  " 

T.  Dean  Smith  glanced  at  the  curtains  of  the 
Doctor's  sanctum,  but  did  not  reply.  Instead 
he  stood  on  the  top  step  gazing  down  on  them 
with  a  sardonic  smile. 

"  You'll  be  a  beautiful  sight  at  the  Prom,  you 
will ! "  he  said  and  entered  the  house.  His 
words  fell  like  a  bomb. 

"Geewhilikens!" 

"  Holy  cats  and  mice !  " 

"  I  never  thought  of  that !  " 

"  Give  me  the  dunce  cap !  " 

"Of  all  the  fools !" 

"Goats!" 

[65] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"Asses!" 

"  Idiots !  " 

"  My  whole  family's  coming." 

"  The  family's  not  what's  worrying  me." 

"  Who  started  us  on  this  fool  stunt?  " 

"The  Tennessee  Shad." 

"  Kough-house  him !  " 

"  Hold  up !  I'm  in  the  same  boat,"  cried  the 
Tennessee  Shad.  "  Don't  lose  your  blooming 
heads ;  the  Prom's  two  weeks  off !  " 

"  Two  weeks?  "  shouted  the  Gutter  Pup,  with 
a  glitter  in  his  eye.  "  What's  two  weeks  going  to 
do?  Do  you  think  we  can  get  respectable  in 
two  weeks?" 

"  Nothing  easier,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad. 
"  Hair  tonic !  " 

"  Fall  in  line,"  said  Macnooder,  seizing  in 
stantly  the  suggestion. 

The  eleven  convicts  and  the  eight  house 
breakers  assumed  a  chain-gang  formation. 

"About  face!" 

"Mark  time!" 

"Right,  left!" 

"  Forward,  march !  " 

Lock-step,  pounding  the  ground,  they  went 
[66] 


THE  BEGINNING  OF  THE  FIRM 
swiftly  toward  the  village  and  descended  on  the 
vendors  of  hair  lotions. 

That  night  the  commercial  Macnooder  ap 
peared  at  the  rooms  of  the  Tennessee  Shad  and 
found  the  door  barricaded.  He  knocked  gently 
in  a  coaxing  friendly  way. 

"Who's  that?  "  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  after 
their  eyes  had  met,  through  the  keyhole. 

"  Hist !     It's   Doc   Macnooder.     Open   up." 

"  I'm  studying,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad,  too 
tired  to  choose  his  lies. 

"  Shad  I  come  not  to  take  your  hard-earned 
money  but  to  do  you  good,"  said  Macnooder 
soothingly,  using  his  well  known  formula. 
"Will  you  listen?" 

"  Elucidate,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad,  draw 
ing  up  a  chair  on  his  side  of  the  door. 

Macnooder  camping  down  said  with  the  con 
fidence  that  a  great  idea  alone  can  inspire: 

"  Shad,  I've  approached  you  many  a  time  and 
oft  with  a  few  little  suggestions  for  adding 
a  few  coupons  and  bonds  to  our  worldly 
possessions.  You  have  rejected  my  partner 
ship." 

"  I  have  a  soul  above  money,"  said  the  Shad, 
[67] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
moving  his  ear  however,  a  little  closer  to  the 
keyhole. 

"  This  is  my  last,  positively  last  offer,77  said 
Macnooder  firmly.  "Accept  it  and  we  sign  ar 
ticles  of  partnership,  share  and  share  alike,  in 
a  month  you  will  drive  your  own  horse  and 
carriage,  wear  diamond  studs  and  sport  a  jewel- 
studded  gold  pencil, — refuse  and — 77 

"  And  what?  "  said  The  Tennessee  Shad. 

"  You  won7t  refuse,  you  can't  refuse !  Now 
listen.77 

Three  minutes  later  the  bolts  slipped  and  the 
Tennessee  Shad  led  Doc  Macnooder  to  the  easy 
chair  and  propped  him  up  with  cushions. 

That  night  the  joyful  Macnooder  transformed 

his  room  into  a  barber  shop,  with  rows  of  lotions 

and    glassy    ointments,    announced    the    Ten- 

H  nessee  Shad  as    partner    and    hung    out    this 

shingle: 

THE  IMPERIAL   TONSORIAL  PARLORS 
MACNOODER   AND    THE    TENNESSEE   SHAD 

BOSS  BARBERS 

CASH,    MORE    CASH,    AND    NOTHING    BUT 
CASH! 

Massage   $  -03 

[68] 


THE  BEGINNING  OF  THE  FIRM 

Friction  with  any  hair  encourager 05 

Vaselining    03 

Three-in-One    10 

Two  weeks'  treatment 1.25 

No  towels  supplied. 

The  Macnooder  treatment  coaxes  forth  the  hair, 
seizes  and  stretches  it,  makes  it  long  and  curly. 
Long  and  curly  hair  means  social  success  at  the 
Prom;  social  success  means  retaining  the  affections 
of  the  fair! 

Don't  hesitate,  don't  calculate,  do  it  now! 

Come  early,  come  often  and  bring  the  children! 

Two  weeks  to  cover  their  nakedness,  two  weeks 
to  meet  the  all-seeing  feminine  eye.  That  night, 
each  greased  hopeful  went  to  bed  with  a  prayer 
for  the  morrow. 

At  the  stroke  of  the  rising  bell  the  Gutter  Pup 
catapulted  out  of  bed  and  flung  himself  anxiously 
before  his  mirror  and  remained  transfixed  with 
despair  at  the  sight  of  two  elephantine  ears 
flanking  a  snow-white  cranium  that  had  not  been 
covered  over  night  with  hair.  At  this  moment  a 
groan  arose  from  Lovely  Mead's  room  across  the 
study. 

[69] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"Is  that  you,  Lovely?"  said  the  Gutter  Pup, 
fascinated  by  the  horrible  caricature  in  the  mir 
ror. 

"  It  is." 

"  What  luck?  " 

"Nothing!" 

"  Nothing  here." 

The  door  opened  on  the  Triumphant  Egghead 
and  Hungry  Smeed  in  pajamas. 

"What  luck,  you  fellows?" 

"  Don't  ask !  " 

"  I've  got  a  couple  of  shoots  on  top,"  said  the 
Egghead ;  "  but  that's  where  Butcher  Stevens' 
razor  missed  me.  Isn't  it  awful?" 

"  When  do  you  suppose  it'll  come  out  again?  " 

"  There  must  be  something  to-morrow  morn 
ing." 

"  What  will  we  look  like  at  the  Prom?  " 

"  I'm  desperate,"  said  the  Triumphant  Egg 
head.  "  I've  got  an  Apollo  Belvedere  rival  who 
stays  at  home.  Jerusalem,  where  will  I  be  now 
when  she  sees  this !  " 

"  We  must  load  up  with  starchy  food  and  drink 
lots  of  phosphates  at  the  jigger  shop,"  said  Hun 
gry  Smeed  wisely. 

[70] 


THE  BEGINNING  OF  THE  FIRM 

"  Do  you  think  auything'11  show  up  by  to-mor 
row?  " 

"  Oh,  Lovely,  it  must!  » 

"How're  the  others?" 

"  Smooth  as  a  rink." 

Every  spare  hour  was  spent  in  following  a 
new  theory;  if  persistency  and  ingenuity  could 
have  done  it  they  would  have  succeeded,  or  had 
there  been  any  faith  in  newspaper  advertisements 
or  honor  in  the  labels  of  patent  hair-restorers. 

They  rubbed  and  greased  and  dosed  them 
selves,  they  caught  at  the  first  shoots  and  shut 
their  jaws  and  pulled,  morning,  afternoon  and 
night,  and  at  last,  when  the  inexorable  Prom, 
came  galloping  in,  they  went  in  hangdog  fashion, 
balking  and  blushing,  to  meet  the  shrieks  that 
greeted  their  first  bow. 

That  night  the  Tennessee  Shad  sat  among  the 
lonely  anti-fussers  who  roosted  on  the  chilly  edges 
of  the  Esplanade  and  scoffed  at  the  gayety 
within. 

It  was  cold,  uncomfortably  cold,  and  one  by 
one  the  frost-nipped  spectators  slipped  away  un 
til  only  the  Tennessee  Shad  remained,  fascinated. 
[71] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
As  each  stubble-covered,  flap-eared  dupe  bumped 
his  embarrassed  way  into  view  he  half  closed  his 
eyes  and  smiled  a  contented,  far-away  smile. 
The  Tennessee  Shad  had  never  danced! 


[72] 


CHAPTER  IV 

FIRST   JOINT   OPERATION 

The  returns  from  the  two  weeks  of  rushing 
business  of  the  Imperial  Tonsorial  Parlors  made 
quite  a  respectable  dividend  to  celebrate  the  in 
ception  of  the  firm,  especially  as  the  Triumphant 
Egghead,  who  was  in  difficult  competition  for 
the  affections  of  a  blonde,  had  plunged  desper 
ately  in  the  vaselining  and  the  massage. 

The  formation  of  the  firm  was  still  a  matter 
of  secrecy,  unsuspected  by  the  public,  a  fact 
which  alone  made  possible  the  next  operation. 

When  January  and  February  have  been  en 
dured,  the  limbo  month  of  March  is  certainly  the 
most  fatiguing  of  the  whole  year.  It  belongs 
neither  to  the  winter  family  nor  to  the  aristoc 
racy  of  the  spring.  It  is  peevish,  malicious  and 
the  spirit  of  negation.  When  it  shines  overhead, 
with  vaulted  blues  and  lazy  clouds  that  invite 
soaring  baseballs  to  them,  it  is  treacherous  and 

[73] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
foul  underfoot.  When  it  snows  it  brings  no 
sleighing.  When  it  freezes  it  is  not  to  spread  the 
pond  for  skating,  but  to  harden  the  mud  ruts  and 
delay  the  opening  of  the  diamonds.  Month  of 
corduroys  and  leathern  boots,  of  waiting  and 
longing,  when  sinkers  overrun  the  table  and  the 
vegetables  taste  of  the  can,  when  the  greatest 
boon  is  a  case  of  pink-eye  or  German  measles 
(real  or  feigned),  which  gives  you  the  right  to 
doze  and  browse  and  play  games  with  other  for 
tunate  inmates  of  the  infirmary  on  the  Hill. 

The  Triumphant  Egghead  sat  on  the  ledge  of 
the  Esplanade  and  expressed  these  sentiments  in 
more  direct  terms,  while  his  whole  conception  of 
existence  was  centered  in  making  a  tennis-ball 
strike  the  shoulder  of  an  opposite  ledge  so  as  to 
bound  back  into  his  hands.  From  an  upper  win 
dow  the  Gutter  Pup  and  Lovely  Mead  looked  out 
in  disgust  at  the  sky  because  it  had  no  sun,  at 
the  earth  because  it  was  unfit  to  gambol  on, 
and  more  particularly  at  the  Triumphant  Egg 
head  for  having  enough  energy  to  sit  there  and 
bounce  a  ball. 

Presently  the  Egghead's  fingers  slipped  and 
the  ball,  escaping,  rolled  away.  He  watched  it 

[74] 


FIRST  JOINT  OPERATION 
streak  wetly  down  the  Esplanade,  hesitate  and 
Jbhen  topple  down  the  steps  and  trickle  languidly 
along  the  slimy  surface,  coating  itself  with  rich 
yellow  ooze.  Then,  falling  off  the  ledge,  he 
stretched  himself  and  shuffled  heavily  up  to  join 
the  Gutter  Pup  in  Turkey  Reiter's  room. 

"  My,  you're  energetic !  "  said  Lovely  Mead. 

The  Egghead  grunted,  selected  a  soft  spot  and 
lay  down. 

The  Gutter  Pup  continued  gazing  out  the  win 
dow  with  malicious  joy  at  Cap  Keefer  and  the 
candidates  returning  from  their  mud  bath  in  the 
baseball  cage. 

"  Hello !  "  he  said  suddenly.  "  There  goes 
Doctor  Charlie  into  the  Dickinson  with  his  little 
green  bag." 

"  Wonder  who's  sick,"  said  the  Egghead. 
"  Lucky  fellow !  " 

"  Wish  I  were,"  said  Turkey  Reiter. 

"  Same  here,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup. 

"  It's  such  a  pleasure  to  be  ill  with  Doctor 
Charlie,"  said  Lovely  Mead  ruminatively.  "  He 
has  such  nice  little  white  pills  and  such  round 
brown  pills  and  such  great  big  black  pills  that 
decorate  a  mantelpiece  so  nicely !  " 

[75] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  Think  of  sleeping  two  luscious  weeks  at  the 
infirmary." 

"Hum!" 

"Don't  Turkey,  don't  — it's  cruel." 

"  Why,  here  comes  the  Tennessee  Shad,"  said 
the  lookout,  "  just  as  fast  as  he  can  come.  My, 
just  see  how  he  hops  along !  " 

"  He'd  better  keep  away  from  here,"  said  the 
Egghead,  running  his  hand  over  the  still  prickly 
hairs. 

"  He  will,  if  he  knows  what's  good  for  him," 
remarked  Turkey  Reiter. 

"  I  only  wish  he  would  drop  in !  "  said  the  Gut 
ter  Pup,  doubling  up  his  fists  and  annihilating  a 
sofa  pillow. 

"  I  think,  fellows,"  said  the  Egghead,  squirm 
ing  to  and  fro  so  as  to  scratch  his  back,  "  I  say 
I  think  the  Tennessee  Shad's  usefulness  in  this 
community  it  just  about  over." 

"  He  won't  catch  me  again,"  said  the  Gutter- 
Pup.  "  If  he  brought  me  a  ten-dollar  guaranteed 
goldpiece  on  a  solid  silver  platter  I  wouldn't  so 
much  as  reach  out  my  hand  for  it." 

"  His  murder  would  be  quite  justifiable,"  said 
the  Egghead,  thinking  of  the  Prom.  "  It  will 

[76] 


FIRST  JOINT  OPERATION 

take  me  a  couple  of  natural  lives  to  live  down 
the  effect  of  that  hair-cut.  I  was  not  beauti 
ful." 

"Ugh!" 

«  Don't  —  don't  recall  it !  " 

"  Gee,  my  girl's  stopped  corresponding." 

At  this  moment  the  Tennessee  Shad  opened  the 
door,  inserted  a  cautious  portion  of  his  sharp  fea 
tures  and  said  genially : 

"  Ah,  there !  " 

Three  vicious  sofa  cushions  slam-banged 
against  the  door,  accompanied  by  an  explosion 
of  wrath. 

"  Get  out !  " 

"Cut  loose!" 

"  Vanish !  " 

"  Hold  up,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad,  opening 
the  door  again.  "  I've  got  an  idea !  " 

Two  books  and  a  couple  of  slippers  came 
smashing  through  the  air. 

"  You'll  regret  it,"  said  the  Shad,  bobbing  in 
and  out. 

The  Gutter  Pup  banged  the  door  and  locked  it. 
Outside  was  heard  the  scraping  of  a  chair  along 
the  hall,  then  the  transom  turned  and  the  glit- 
[77] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
tering  eyes  of  the  Tennessee  Shad  appeared  over 
the  door. 

"  Shad,  you  are  a  brave  man,"  said  Turkey 
Belter  ominously.  "  Go  away  —  do  go  away 
while  we  can  still  control  ourselves." 

"  Fellows,  I  have  come  to  apologize,"  said  the 
Tennessee  Shad,  while  the  chair  squeaked  pro- 
testingly, 

"  Keep  your  apologies,"  said  Lovely  Mead. 
"  We  loathe  the  sight  of  you.  Get  out !  " 

"  To  apologize  and  atone,"  added  the  Tennes 
see  Shad,  keeping  a  watchful  eye  on  the  Gutter 
Pup,  who  was  reaching  out  for  a  baseball  bat. 

"  Atone !  "  said  the  Egghead  with  a  bitter 
laugh.  "  Much  good  that'll  do  me." 

"  Yes,  atone,  Egghead,"  said  the  Shad  firmly. 
"  I'm  sorry;  I  feel  bad  —  I  do  feel  bad.  I'll  ad 
mit  that  my  ideas  sometimes  miscarry,  but  I  have 
had  good  ones  —  you  know  I've  had  good  ones, 
and  this  idea  is  a  good  one !  " 

The  Gutter  Pup  raised  the  baseball  bat,  but 
Turkey  Keiter  restrained  him. 

"  No,  Gutter  Pup ;  let's  hear  it,"  he  said ;  "  let's 
know  the  depth  of  his  depravity.  Let's  have  no 
illusions  about  him." 

[78] 


FIRST  JOINT  OPERATION 

"  I'll  back  my  idea/7  said  the  Tennessee  Shad 
stoutly. 

"  How'll  you  back  it?  " 

"I'll  tell  you  how  I'll  back  it.  I'll  back  it 
against  all  you  fellows  —  the  whole  longeared 
lot  of  you.  You  let  me  in  and  promise  to  keep 
your  hands  off  me  till  you  hear  my  idea  and,  if 
you  don't  fall  down  and  kiss  my  hand  and  say : 
6  Shad  you're  a  public  benefactor;  can  you  ever, 
ever  forgive  us?'  —  if  you  don't  say  that,  well, 
I'm  willing  to  be  massacred  any  time  or  any  how. 
Now,  can  you  imagine  what  sort  of  an  idea  it 
is?" 

The  four  looked  mutely  at  one  another.  Fi 
nally  Turkey  spoke. 

"  Tennessee  Shad,  you  always  did  have  a  per 
suasive,  silvery  voice,  and  as  my  fondest  hope  for 
the  future  is  to  be  associated  with  you  in  selling 
anything  to  anybody  I'm  going  to  let  you  in. 
Pup,  let  down  that  bat.  Egghead,  open  the 
door." 

The  Tennessee  Shad  glided  in,  locked  the  door 
in  turn  and  shut  the  transom  with  much  mys 
tery. 

"  First,"  he  said,  "  give  me  your  word  of  honor 
[79] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

that  you'll  keep  this  a  dead  secret.  No  blabbing 
and  no  one  else  to  be  let  in  on  it.  Promise." 

"  Hold  up,  this  wasn't  in  the  agreement,"  said 
the  Egghead  stubbornly. 

"  No  promise,  no  secret !  " 

"  That's  fair,"  said  Turkey. 

They  raised  their  right  hands  and  solemnly 
swore. 

"  And  no  mental  reservations,"  said  the  Ten 
nessee  Shad  severely,  looking  at  the  Gutter  Pup, 
"  if  you're  gentlemen !  " 

"  Of  course  not.  Say,  what  do  you  think  we 
are?  " 

"  All  right." 

The  Tennessee  Shad  climbed  on  a  chair  and 
roosted  on  the  back  in  his  familiar  manner, 
plucked  forth  a  pencil,  chewed  it  meditatively 
and  said : 

"  Are  you  happy  ?  " 

"  What  the  deuce  has  that  got  to  do  with  it?  " 
said  the  Gutter  Pup,  tightening  his  grip  on  the 
baseball  bat,  while  the  Egghead  added  irately : 

"  Turkey,  it's  a  con  game  —  he's  kidding  us." 

"  Oh,  let  him  tell  it  his  own  way,"  said  Turkey. 

"  Are  you  happy  ?  Are  you  cheerful  ?  "  con- 
[80] 


FIRST  JOINT  OPERATION 

tinued  the  Tennessee  Shad  pursuing  the  Socratic 
method.  "Do  you  enjoy  your  meals?  Do  the 
words  fresh  vegetables  mean  anything  to  your 
jaded  appetites?  Do  they?  " 

"  Go  on,  and  don't  be  idiotic/' 

"  Does  the  prospect  of  wallowing  two  weeks  in 
the  mud  fill  your  soul  with  rapture?  Are  you 
still  eager  to  rise  at  an  unearthly  hour,  to  eat 
the  deadly  sinker  and  the  scrag  bird?  " 

"  What  are  you  driving  at? "  said  Turkey, 
mystified.  "  You  know  the  answers  as  well  as 
we  do.  What's  your  scheme?  " 

"  How  would  the  idea  of  spending  these  next 
two  weeks  like  this  appeal  to  you?  "  said  the  Ten 
nessee  Shad,  pointblank :  "  Sleeping  late,  eating 
cream  in  your  coffee  —  not  cream,  but  real  cream 
—  thick,  lumpy,  soggy  cream  —  no  chapel,  no  re 
citations —  nothing!  Would  two  weeks  in  the 
infirmary  appeal  to  you  as  an  idea?  " 

"  Would  it?  "  said  Lovely  Mead,  opening  his 
eyes.  "  Jemima !  " 

The  Gutter  Pup  put  away  the  baseball  bat, 
leaning  it  gently  in  the  corner. 

"  Think  of  nothing  to  do  all  day  long,"  contin 
ued  the  Tennessee  Shad,  half  shutting  his  eyes, 

[81] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
"  but  to  read  novels  and  play  cards  and  games ! 
Think  of  having  special  steaks  and  nice,  juicy 
chops  to  build  up  your  delicate  bodies !  " 

"  Oh,  Shad !  "  cried  the  converted  Gutter  Pup. 
"  How  are  you  going  to  work  it?  " 

The  Tennessee  Shad  came  back  to  earth,  gave 
a  vicious  last  bite  on  his  pencil,  pocketed  it, 
slapped  his  knee  and  cried : 

"  German  measles !  " 

"  German  measles?  "  repeated  the  four. 

"Shad!" 

"  You  don't  mean  it !  " 

"Who's  got  'em?" 

"Oh,  joy!" 

Now,  German  measles  are  not  an  affliction, 
but  a  dispensation  of  Providence,  and  the  boy 
who  in  the  month  of  March  is  thus  blessed  and 
discovers  it  before  the  doctor  does  is  in  honor 
bound  to  share  his  good  fortune  with  his  neigh 
bors. 

"  I  know,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup  suddenly. 
"  It's  over  in  the  Dickinson.  I  saw  Doctor  Char 
lie  trotting  in." 

"  Naw!  "  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  disdainfully. 
"  I've  looked  into  that  —  that's  nothing  but  Wee- 

[82] 


FIRST  JOINT  OPERATION 
Wee  Logan  faking  up  a  case  of  pink-eye.     Mine's 
the  real,  genuine  article.     Are  you  on?  " 

"  Are  we  on?  " 

"  Say,  just  lead  us  up  to  him !  " 

"  Quick ! " 

"  It's  Doc  Macnooder,  on  the  second  floor,"  said 
the  Tennessee  Shad.  "  But,  mind,  only  we  four 
get  in  on  this.  We  don't  want  to  sleep  two  in  a 
bed." 

"  But,  Shad,  how  do  you  know?  " 

"  How  can  you  be  sure?  " 

"  Doc  knows  the  symptoms,"  said  the  Shad. 
"  He's  had  'em  before ;  besides,  he's  going  to  be  a 
doctor." 

"  For  Heaven's  sake,  fellows,  let's  get  to  him." 

"  We  mustn't  lose  a  minute." 

"  Come  on." 

"  Hold  up,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad. 
"  There's  a  condition  attached  to  it." 

The  four  seekers  after  infection  drew  up  and 
eyed  the  glib  impressario. 

"  There  generally  is  a  string  to  your  ideas," 
said  the  Gutter  Pup ;  "  and  we're  getting  very 
much  to  dislike  those  strings." 

igl 

[83] 


"  That's  dead  right !  " 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  I  wouldn't  get  too  careless  this  time,  young 
sporting  life !  " 

u  I  never  saw  such  a  distrustful  bunch,"  said 
the  Tennessee  Shad ;  "  and  the  whole  thing  is  to 
protect  you,  too." 

"  What  do  you  mean?  " 

"  I  mean  this,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  with 
an  injured  air.  "  I  drew  up  a  contract  with  Doc 
that  we  get  exclusive  rights  and  have  to  pay 
him  a  dollar  down.  Do  you  want  the  whole 
House  started  for  the  infirmary  before  we  can 
get  a  look-in?  If  you  don't  think  it's  worth  a 
quarter  —  oh,  well  —  I  guess  I  can  find  —  " 

"  Excuse  me,"  said  Turkey  Eeiter,  pulling  out 
a  coin,  "  you  are  a  miracle  of  foresight." 

"  Pardon  me,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup,  making 
change. 

"  Will  this  bright  new  quarter  do?  "  said  Egg 
head. 

"  You  fellows  ought  to  think  twice  before  you 
shout,"  said  Lovely  Mead,  completing  the  dollar. 

"  I  had  German  measles  second-form  year," 
said  the  Egghead  as  they  descended  the  stairs. 
"  They're  delightful !  " 

[84] 


FIRST  JOINT  OPERATION 

"  How  long  does  it  take  to  catch  'em?  "  asked 
the  Gutter  Pup. 

"  About  a  week." 

"  That's  an  awful  time  to  wait !  " 

"  Hush,  here  we  are,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad, 
stopping  and  knocking  on  door  48. 

A  slight  swishing  sound  was  heard  on  the  other 
side  and  a  catarrhal  voice  said : 

"  Who's  there?  " 

"  It's  me,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad.  «  It's  all 
right,  Doc ;  open  up." 

The  key  turned  and  they  filed  into  a  room  en 
cased  with  green,  black  and  blue  bottles  ar 
ranged  on  shelves,  heaped  in  corners,  scattered 
everywhere. 

Macnooder,  swathed  in  neck-cloths,  dressed  in 
a  green-and-blue  bathgown,  red  Mephistopheles 
slippers  and  violet  garters,  sank  back  into  an 
easy-chair  and  disappeared  a  moment  behind  a 
voluminous  handkerchief. 

The  four  proselytes  stood  by  the  door. 

"  Say,  old  sporting  Tootlets,"  said  the  cautious 
Turkey,  "  German  measles  is  most  pleasant,  but 
real  measles  isn't  what  we're  looking  for.  What's 

[85] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

to  guarantee  us  we  get  what  we  pay  our  money 
for  and  not  a  gold  brick?" 

"  You  can't  have  measles  twice,  you  ignora 
mus,"  said  Macnooder  with  a  sneeze.  "  I  had  'em 
four  years  ago." 

"  You'll  guarantee  us?  "  said  the  Gutter  Pup. 

"  Not  to  have  measles?  Sure,  I  will.  I'll  post 
a  forfeit,  five  apiece." 

"  That's  good,  straight  talk,"  said  the  Tennes 
see  Shad  briskly.  "  Don't  be  an  ass,  Gutter 
Pup.  Now,  Doc,  if  you'll  give  us  your  word 
not  to  let  any  one  else  in  on  this,  here's  that  dol 
lar  we  agreed  upon." 

"  So  help  me !  "  said  Macnooder,  jingling  the 
coins  in  his  pocket. 

"  Hold  up  there,"  broke  in  Lovely  Mead ;  "  all 
very  well,  but  how're  we  going  to  know  you'll 
carry  out  the  bargain?  " 

"  He's  going  to  Trenton  this  afternoon,"  said 
the  Tennessee  Shad.  "  He's  got  an  aunt  living 
there." 

"Is  that  so,  Doc?" 

"  Just  as  soon  as  I  get  through  with  you  fel 
lows  and  get  in  Doctor  Charlie." 

"  Well,"  said  Turkey,  "  I  don't  see  but  what 
it's  a  go." 

[86] 


FIRST  JOINT  OPERATION 

Macnooder  rose,  drew  a  carpet  over  the  crack 
under  the  door,  stuffed  the  keyhole  with  cotton 
and  lit  an  alcohol  lamp. 

"  What's  that  for?  "  said  the  Egghead,  whom 
the  presence  of  so  many  labeled  bottles  rendered 
uneasy. 

"  Cold  kills  germs,  heat  develops  them,"  said 
Doc  with  a  superior  air.  "  Come  on,  Shad,  you 
first!" 

The  Tennessee  Shad  seated  himself  opposite, 
touching  knees  and  foreheads,  while  the  others 
looked  on  in  fascinated  admiration. 

"  Grab  my  hands,"  said  Doc  solemnly,  "  and 
take  long  breaths." 

One  week  later  the  Gutter  Pup  began  to  cough, 
Lovely  Mead  to  sneeze  and  Turkey  Reiter  and  the 
Triumphant  Egghead  to  snuff  and  sniffle;  only 
the  Tennessee  Shad  remained  disconsolate. 
Doctor  Charlie,  joyfully  summoned,  found  the 
five  waiting  in  Turkey  Reiter's  room,  applied  a 
thermometer  and  looked  very  solemn. 

"  Catarrhal  symptoms  and  febrile  disturb 
ance,"  he  said.  "  Pack  up  your  things  and  get 
right  up  to  the  infirmary."  Then,  considering 
the  Tennessee  Shad  thoughtfully,  he  added: 

[87] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
"  You  have  a  slightly  heightened  temperature, 
but  that  may  be  only  imagination.     However,  I 
think  I  won't  risk  it;  you  go  up,  too." 

An  hour  later  the  five  were  shaking  hands  and 
slapping  one  another  on  the  back  in  the  cozy  par 
lor  of  the  infirmary. 

"  Well,  you  old  growlers,"  said  the  Tennessee 
Shad  proudly,  "  are  my  ideas  always  useless?  " 

"  Shad,"  said  Turkey,  "  you  are  reinstated  in 
our  affections.  We  love  you.  You  are  our  pride 
and  joy." 

"  I  hope,"  said  the  Egghead,  drawing  up  by 
the  crackling  fire,  "  that  it'll  rain  and  slush  the 
whole  time  we're  here." 

"  Gee,  it  certainly  is  good  indoors,"  said  Lovely 
Mead,  squatted  before  the  bookshelves. 

"What'll  come  next?"  said  the  Gutter  Pup 
with  thick  speech.  "  I  certainly  have  got  you  all 
beat  on  the  snuffles." 

"  Look  out  for  a  little  pink  rash  to-morrow 
morning,"  said  the  Egghead  wisely. 

"Does  it  itch  bad?" 

"  Naw,  it  only  tickles  for  a  day." 

"  I  suppose  we'll  have  to  stay  in  bed  one  day 
at  least." 

[88] 


FIRST  JOINT  OPERATION 

The  Tennessee  Shad  stood,  legs  akimbo,  gaz 
ing  into  the  fire. 

"  Why  so  silent,  old  Shad?  "  said  the  Trium 
phant  Egghead. 

"  I  don't  understand  it," 

"  Understand  what?  " 

"Why  I  didn't  take,"  said  the  Shad  deject 
edly,  "  I  haven't  any  symptoms  at  all.  I 
faked  up  a  temperature,  but  I  can't  keep  that 
up." 

"  Old  sporting  life,"  said  Turkey  with  a  grin, 

"  this  is  one  on  you !  " 

"  It  certainly  is,  Shad,"  said  the  Egghead  with 
a  chuckle. 

"  Poor  old  Shad !  "  said  the  Gutter  Pup,  wink 
ing  at  the  others.  "  What  an  awful  sell.  But  it 
was  coming  to  you,  old  hoss;  it  certainly  was 
coming  to  you." 

"  You  ungrateful,  spiteful  little  beast,"  said 
the  Tennessee  Shad. 

There  never  was  such  a  dinner  as  they  sat 
down  to  that  night. 

"  My,  what  a  steak,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup 
languidly ;  "  soft  and  red  and  juicy." 

"  Say,  are  these  mashed  potatoes?  " 
[89] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  A  little  more,  please." 

"  Um  —  if  there's  anything  I  love  it's  creamed 
onions." 

"  Ice  cream  for  dessert." 

"  No?  " 

"  Fact  —  coffee  ice  cream." 

"  Say,  was  that  a  tomato  soup,  eh?  " 

"  Think  of  a  week  of  this! " 

"  Pass  my  plate." 

"  Let's  begin  all  over  again." 

"  Hope  you  stay  with  us,  Shad." 

"  Shut  up,"  said  Shad,  "and  be  a  gentleman 
with  those  onions !  " 

They  slept  late,  had  breakfast  in  bed  and  rose 
just  in  time  to  drop  in  to  lunch. 

"Why,  where's  the  Shad?"  said  Turkey  Rei- 
ter. 

"  He's  gone." 

"  Fired !  " 

"Thrown  out!" 

"Hurray!" 

They  took  their  knives  and  forks  and  beat  a 
gleeful  tattoo  on  the  table,  then  burst  into  peals 
of  laughter. 

"  This  is  where  we  score." 
[90] 


FIRST  JOINT  OPERATION 

"  Oh,  mamma,  what  a  story  to    tell    on    the 
Shad!" 

"  Will  we  tell  it?  " 

"  Oh,  no !  " 

"Are  we  it?" 

They  rose  and  shook  hands,  then  sat  down  and 
looked  at  one  another  critically. 

"Say,  where's  the  little  pink  rash?" 

"  Search  me." 

"  I  haven't  got  it." 

"  Nor  me." 

"  It  ought  to  have  come,"   said  the   Egghead 
thoughtfully. 

"  I  feel  bum  enough  to  have  a  dozen,  all  right." 

"  Shut  up !  "  said  the  Egghead,  jumping  up  so 
as  to  catch  the  first  view,  "  here  comes  lunch !  " 

"  What  is  it?  " 

"Veal  cutlet." 

"  With  brown  sauce?  " 

"  Brown  sauce  —  fresh  peas  and  tomatoes !  " 

"  Say,  sports,"  said  Turkey  Reiter  suddenly, 
"  is  this  cutlet  tough  to  you?  " 

"  It  certainly  is." 

"  It  cuts  all  right." 

"  Well,  it  hurts  me  to  chew  it." 
[91] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

The  Egghead  laid  down  his  knife  and  fork 
with  a  clatter. 

"  Why,  Egghead,  what's  wrong?  " 

"  Do  your  jaws  ache?  " 

"Sure!" 

«  They  do." 

"  Have  you  ever  had  the  mumps?  " 

"  No ! "  cried  in  horror  Turkey,  the  Gutter 
Pup  and  Lovely  Mead. 

"  Well,  you  have  them !  " 

They  not  only  had  the  mumps,  but  they  had 
them  violently,  outrageously,  swollen  to  ridicu 
lous  proportions.  On  the  third  day,  while  the 
Gutter  Pup  from  his  bed  was  gazing  in  the  op 
posite  mirror  at  a  face  that  looked  like  a  chip 
munk  with  a  cocoanut  in  either  cheek,  a  word  of 
consolation  came  to  him  in  the  shape  of  the  fol 
lowing  scrawl: 

Say,  Gutter  Pup,  it  was  all  Macnooder. 
I  didn't  know  —  honest,  I  didn't.  Square 
me  with  Turkey. 

Yours, 

SHAD. 

P.  8. —  I've  had  the  mumps. 
[92] 


CHAPTER  V 

THE   FIRM   FINDS   A    NEW   VICTIM 

Shortly  after  the  firm  of  Macnooder  and  the 
Tennessee  Shad  had  been  established  on  a  divi 
dend  basis,  they  discovered  to  their  alarm  that 
the  scope  of  the  future  operations  was  exactly 
limited  by  the  lustre  of  their  past  successes. 
Not  that  there  was  any  stop  in  the  output  of 
fertile  ideas  or  astute  practical  financiering. 
The  trouble  was,  to  use  Wall  Street  phraseology, 
with  the  market  and  the  lambs.  If  Macnooder 
sought  to  launch  an  idea  he  was  greeted  with  de 
risive  smiles  and  the  cry : 

"  Fine,  tell  it  to  the  Tennessee  Shad !  " 

When  the  Tennessee  Shad  languidly  and  art 
fully  proposed,  the  reply  was  similar  and  more 
insulting : 

"  Try  it  on  Macnooder,  you  assassin  and  bunco 
steerer! " 

Famine  set  in  relentlessly  and  there  is  no  tell 
ing  what  might  have  happened  had  not  chance 

[93] 

i 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
as  shall  be  related  brought  them  a  victim  made 
to  order  and  a  field  of  exploitation  which  for  a 
time  seemed  more  inexhaustible  than  the  dia 
mond  field  of  Africa.  Had  either  the  avarice 
of  Doc  Macnooder  or  the  mischievious  imagina 
tion  of  the  Tennessee  Shad  been  capable  of  re 
straint,  the  firm  might  have  gone  the  full  course 
in  fattening  prosperity;  but  as  both  were  but 
mortal,  the  speculation  was  profitable  but  un 
fortunately  short.  Here  endeth  the  parenthesis. 

When  Montague  Skinner  had  completed  six 
teen  gentle  and  luxurious  years  in  the  hansoms 
and  continuous  vaudevilles  of  New  York  City,  it 
chanced  that  the  select  private  school  which  he 
reluctantly  graced,  becoming  unduly  elated 
with  the  phenomenally  triumphant  eleven  which 
represented  it,  issued  a  challenge  and  bore  down 
on  The  Lawrenceville  School,  Lawrenceville, 
New  Jersey,  with  a  betting  commissioner  and 
faces  which  they  desperately  strove  to  render 
without  malice  or  guile. 

As  the  hospitality  of  their  hosts  saw  them  to 
the  Trenton  depot,  they  reached  New  York  on 
their  return  trip  tickets  and  arrived  at  their 
homes,  delaying  the  cab-driver  no  longer  than 

[94] 


THE  FIKM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 
the  time  required  to  borrow  the  fares  from  their 
sympathetic  butlers.  The  Metropolitan  papers 
obligingly  concealed  the  score  in  obscure  corners 
while  the  business  manager  hurriedly  revised  the 
schedule  for  the  ensuing  season,  excusing  himself 
to  the  Lawrenceville  Football  Association  on  the 
ground  that  the  two  hours  required  to  make  the 
trip  was  unfortunately  found  to  be  a  serious  in 
fringement  on  the  scholarly  routine  of  the  school. 

The  experience  was  exceedingly  upsetting  to 
young  Skinner  who,  being  a  very  large  frog  in  a 
very  small  pond,  could  not  remember  without 
profound  unrest  the  very  much  larger  frogs  he 
had  seen  disporting  themselves  on  the  surface  of 
the  considerably  larger  waters. 

Now  Skinner  had  not  simply  been  born  with  a 
gold  spoon  in  his  mouth,  but  literally  amid  a 
shower  of  golden  spoons,  forks,  and  knives. 
Joshua  M.  Skinner,  proprietor  and  manager  of 
The  Regal  Hotel,  blissfully  regarded  himself  as 
but  a  humble  instrument  in  the  advancement  of 
his  only  child's  career,  and  secretly  rejoiced 
when  his  son  lectured  him  on  the  proprieties  of 
masculine  attire  and  the  vernacular  of  select 
society. 

[95] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
At  fifteen,  Montague  was  installed  in  his  pri 
vate  suite  and  given  his  particular  valet,  likewise 
a  coachman  and  coupe  be  at  his  orders  all 
hours  of  the  day.  Accounts  were  opened  at 
the  best  of  tailors  and  haberdashers,  and  Joshua 
M.  Skinner  doubled  an  exceedingly  elastic 
allowance,  resolved  that  money  should  never 
be  lacking  to  the  proper  equipment  of  Mon 
tague's  genteel  sporting  proclivities.  Mrs.  Skin 
ner  was  all  that  a  fond  and  perfect  mother 
should  be  and  the  only  time  that  the  semblance 
of  a  disagreement  had  arisen  between  her  and 
her  son  was  on  one  vulgar  occasion  when  she 
had  beheld  Montague  and  three  companions  re 
turning  from  school  in  a  hired  cab. 

Despite  this  tender  paternal  solicitude,  Mon 
tague  had  passed  through  so  much  of  the  dis 
illusionment  of  wordly  existence  that  he  had 
quickly  come  to  assume  that  air  of  complete  bore 
dom  which  goes  with  a  stockade  collar  and  a 
limply  pendant  cigarette.  He  never  burst  into 
roars  of  laughter.  The  most  excruciatingly 
mirth  provoking  turns  of  the  vaudeville  head- 
liners  never  stirred  him  to  more  than  a  tolerantly 
amused  smile.  He  never  applauded.  At  the 

[96] 


THE  FIRM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 
age  of  sixteen  he  bad  never  fallen  in  love.  He 
spoke  of  the  chorus  as  "  homes  for  old  women," 
and  from  his  superior  knowledge,  smiled  down  at 
his  more  impulsive  comrades  who,  blinded  by  the 
flood  of  lights  and  a  painted  cheek,  occasionally 
borrowed  from  him  the  price  of  a  timid  bouquet. 
He  had  never  lost  his  temper,  as  he  was  sur 
rounded  by  those  who  never  quarreled  with  his 
choice  of  The  Hotel  Regal  Special  Cigars  or  the 
daintily  served  dinners,  and  generously  left  him 
the  choice  of  the  evening's  entertainment  —  and 
the  buying  of  the  seats.  He  had  never  been 
guilty  of  anything  so  vulgar  as  a  rough  and  tum 
ble  fight.  He  had  never  saved  up  to  purchase 
something  that  gave  him  the  thrill  of  unhoped 
for  possession.  His  trousers  had  never  bagged 
at  the  knees.  His  glossy  hair  was  never  ruffled 
and  Bucks,  the  devoted  valet,  saw  to  it  that  his 
cravats  were  never  allowed  to  fade  upon  the  con 
stantly  renewed  shirts  of  specially  imported 
French  lawn. 

He  was  just  over  the  five  foot  line,  very  care 
fully  washed,  reddish  hair  well  subdued,  a 
slightly  raw  countenance,  perpendicular  ears 
and  a  short  chin  which  hung  on  the  brink  of  a 

[97] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
three  inch  Piccadilly  collar.  Despite  a  crease- 
less  coat  that  ran  over  the  stoop  of  his  shoulders 
and  the  distinction  of  his  racing  vest,  he  still  had 
the  lock  of  one  who  had  been  forced  into  long 
trousers  by  hothouse  processes. 

On  Saturday  morning  he  rose  promptly  at  ten, 
extended  his  unmuscular  arms  to  Bucks  who 
solicitously  encased  them  in  his  wadded  wrapper 
and  opened  the  door  to  the  already  prepared 
bath. 

By  half  past  eleven  he  went  out  on  the  avenue 
dragging  a  bamboo  cane,  for  a  visit  to  his  shirt- 
makers  whose  obsequious  attention  gave  him  a 
little  lukewarm  satisfaction.  Later  he  met  his 
cronies  at  an  expensive  restaurant  where  the 
head  waiter  in  person  placed  him  in  his  chair 
with  a  deferential,  "  What  can  I  do  for  you  to 
day,  Mr.  Skinner?  " 

Sometimes  he  ordered  from  his  profound  and 
nice  knowledge  of  how  such  delectable  repasts 
should  be  ordered  and  sometimes  he  said  in  a 
bored  way : 

"  Just  shake  us  up  something  tasty,  will 
you?  » 

Then  he  initialed  the  bill  without  looking  at 
it,  to  the  sidelong  admiration  of  his  guests. 

[98] 


THE  FIRM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 
In  the  evening,  if  the  matinee  had  been  too 
fatiguing,  they  ensconced  themselves  in  Mon 
tague's  private  salon  and  sat  into  the  early 
hours  about  a  green  table  laden  with  different 
colored  chips  of  the  sort  that  on  other  tables 
are  used  in  a  sport  entitled  tiddle-de-winks. 

And  yet  because  way  down  beneath  all  the 
sham  and  superficiality  with  which  doting  par 
ents  were  trying  to  smother  the  real  impulses ; 
because  tfce  spark  of  the  boy  is  invincible  and 
cannot  be  completely  extinguished,  young  Skin 
ner  began  to  wonder  and  to  dream.  He  saw 
again,  beyond  the  heavy,  crowded,  towering 
buildings  the  glimpse  of  a  strange  life  than  ran 
joyously  over  green  fields  and  around  ivy-clad 
houses  of  brick  and  tile,  a  life  where  the  boy  and 
the  man  were  strangely  joined,  where  the  world 
was  the  world  of  that  youth  of  which  he  had 
known  nothing  and  towards  which  he  began 
strangely  to  yearn. 

And  so  it  happened  to  the  amazement  of  his 
precious  cronies,  of  Bucks  the  flabber-gasted 
valet,  of  Skinner's  father  and  mother,  and  most 
of  all  to  himself,  that  at  the  beginning  of  his 
seventeenth  year,  in  the  month  of  September, 
Montague  Skinner  of  Broadway  and  Fifth 
[99] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
Avenue,  renounced  the  metropolis  and  took  his 
way  towards  the  Lawrenceville  School  in  Law- 
renceville,  New  Jersey. 

Doc  Macnooder,  perched  like  a  sentinel  hawk, 
sat  in  the  open  window  of  the  Triumphant  Egg 
head's  room  surveying  the  arrival  of  the  appetiz 
ing  freshmen.  His  legs  hung  out,  his  heels 
rapped  an  occasional  tattoo  around  the  clinging 
ivy,  but  his  glance  was  distant  and  circling  up 
ward  in  the  speculative  heights  of  financial 
dreams. 

Across  the  way,  from  Dick  Stover's  room  in 
the  turret  of  the  Dickinson,  the  thin  shanks  of 
the  Tennessee  Shad  protruded  in  a  similar  atti 
tude.  From  time  to  time  their  carnivorous 
glances  sought  the  front  porches  below  them  and 
fastened  intently  on  the  stir  of  an  incoming 
freshman. 

About  the  long  green  reaches  of  the  Circle, 
the  last  stages  were  discharging  their  vociferous 
or  bashful  occupants  —  a  last  belated  buggy  was 
streaking  towards  the  distant  Cleve,  ventre-a- 
terre.  Below  on  the  stone  steps  the  committee 
on  introduction  was  catechizing  a  rumpled  can- 

[100] 


THE  FIRM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 
didate  who  clasped  a  valise  to  him  with  a  de 
spairing  loneliness. 

"  Oh  you  Macnooder  man !  " 

Macnooder,  screening  his  eyes,  discovered  un 
der  the  pendant  legs  of  the  Tennessee  Shad  the 
wolfish  eyes  and  star-pointing  nose  of  Dennis  de 
Brian  de  Boru  Finnegan. 

The  call  was  repeated. 

"  Hello  yourself/'  said  Macnooder. 

"What  luck?" 

"  What  luck  over  there?  "  said  Macnooder  who 
from  theory  always  reserved  the  last  word. 

"  Gilt  edged,  premium  down,  bang  up  — 
strictly  fresh  and  all  that  sort  of  thing," 
said  Finnegan,  who  (as  has  been  related)  con 
sidered  himself  the  discoverer  of  the  double  ad 
jective. 

"  What  have  you  got?  " 

"  Two  brutal  sluggerinos  who  played  profes 
sional  feet-ball  in  the  slums  of  Chicago." 

Macnooder  received  this  with  a  languid  yawn. 

"  The  champion  peroxide  blond  half-back  of 
Des  Moines,  Iowa." 

"  How  interesting !  " 

"A    millionaire      baby      from    Philadelphia 
[101] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

wrapped  up  in  greenbacks ,  and  Cyclops  Ber- 
becker,  the  one-eyed  wonder  of  the  wandering 
eye." 

"Fact?"  said  Macnooder,  the  impresario  at 
once  keenly  alert  and  addressing  the  Tennessee 
Shad,  the  senior  partner  of  the  firm  of  Macnoo 
der  and  Self. 

"  Fact,"  said  the  Shad  solemnly,  "  glass  eye, 
detachable  and  most  sociable." 

Macnooder's  glance  was  a  glance  of  envy. 
Seeing  which  Finnegan  chirped  up  — 

"  Well,  old  pawnbroker,  what  have  you  got  to 
boast  of?  " 

"  Nothing,"  said  Macnooder  sadly.  "  Sup 
plies  very  poor  this  year,  boys." 

At  this  moment  back  of  him  burst  forth  a 
chorus  of  exclamations. 

"  Keeroogalum ! " 

"  Holy  Cats !  " 

"What  is  it?" 

"  Hold  me  up !  " 

"Have  I  lived  to  see  it!" 

Below,  two  suburbanally  distinguished  horses, 
drawing  Trenton's  proudest  hackney  coach,  had 
stopped  and  from  the  front  seat  a  being,  ob- 

[102] 


THE  FIRM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 
sequious  and  mechanical,  had    sprung    to    his 
heels,    touched   his    hat   and    waited    at    atten 
tion. 

"  Hush ! "  said  the  Triumphant  Egghead, 
"  don't  frighten  it,  it'll  fly  away." 

"  It's  a  beadle,"  said  Turkey  Reiter. 

"  It's  a  dentist." 

"  It's  a  butler." 

"  A  butler  your  grandmother  —  it's  a  valet." 

"My  word!" 

"  So  it  is." 

"  A  real  live  young  valet." 

"  What's  he  going  to  do  now?  " 

"  Hush !  " 

Bucks,  in  obedience  to  a  command,  came  to 
wards  the  steps,  perceived  Macnooder  sus 
pended  from  the  sill,  like  a  wooden  monkey  on  a 
stick,  and  bringing  his  heels  to  attention, 
touched  his  finger  to  his  hat  and  said: 

"  Beg  pardon,  sir,  but  is  this  the  Dickinson 
House?" 

Macnooder  put  his  hand  to  his  throat,  gulped 
and  nodded,  incapable  of  speech.  The  silence 
everywhere  had  fallen  like  the  crash  of  thunder. 
Even  Dennis  de  Brian  de  Boru  Finnegan  was 

[103] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
clinging  to  the  window  frame  awed  and  speech 
less. 

Bucks  returning,  imparted  the  reassuring  in 
formation,  the  door  opened,  and  Montague  Skin 
ner  emerged,  supporting  his  languid  body  on  a 
light  bamboo  cane,  slapping  the  annoying  dust 
from  his  beautiful  trousers,  and,  leaving  the  vul 
garities  of  the  baggage  to  Bucks,  sauntered  not 
too  eagerly  and  in  no  wise  embarrassed,  up  the 
stone  flags  to  the  house. 

Upstairs,  the  pent  up  indignation  burst  forth 
with  a  roar. 

"Murder!" 

"  Desecration ! " 

"  Outrage ! " 

"Lynch  him!" 

"Pie  him!" 

"  Strip  the  hide  off  him!  " 

"Mangle  him!" 

The  door  resounded  with  the  impact  of  furi 
ous  bodies. 

"Stop!" 

The  voice  was  the  voice  of  Macnooder,  the 
master  mind.  The  mob  paused  in  suspense. 

"  Come  back  —  sit  down !  " 
[104] 


THE  FIRM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 

"  Sit  down?  "  thundered  the  Triumphant  Egg 
head.  "  Sit  down !  When  we're  disgraced  — 
laughing  stock  of  the  campus  —  sit  down?" 

"Exactly.  Would  you  kill  the  goose  that 
lays  the  golden  egg,  you  nincompoop !  " 

A  light  began  to  dawn.  The  Triumphant  Egg 
head  scratched  one  ear,  loosened  his  collar  and 
collapsed  in  a  chair. 

"What  this  house  needs  is  style,"  said  Mac- 
nooder  firmly  "  style  and  proper  banking  facili 
ties." 

"Aha!" 

"When  a  young  Van  Astorbilt  arrives,  you'd 
make  a  noise,  would  you,  and  frighten  him 
away." 

At  this  moment  Hungry  Smeed  at  the  window 
announced  shrilly: 

"  The  valet,  the  valet,  he's  driving  away !  " 

"  Let  him  go,"  said  Macnooder  with  great 
calm. 

"  I  say,"  said  Butcher  Stevens  wrathfully, 
"are  you  going  to  let  a  fashion  plate,  a  candy 
dude,  insult  us  in  this  way  and  do  nothing  about 
it?" 

"  Butcher,  you're  so  crude,"  said  Macnooder 
[105] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

^crushingly,  sitting  down  and  gazing  out  of  the 
window  with  the  eye  of  a  cat  who  knows  what 
is  waiting  on  the  sill.  "  Just  think, —  this  be 
longs  to  us, —  all  to  us !  " 

The  Great  Big  Man  came  scooting  through  the 
door,  his  little  knickerbockered  legs  shaking 
with  excitement. 

"  His  name  is  Skinner  and  his  father  owns 
The  B-egal  Hotel,  New  York  City." 

"  Wire  at  once  to  reserve  the  bridal  suite," 
said  Macnooder  triumphantly.  "  Where's  Klon 
dike?" 

A  moment  latter  Klondike,  the  Ethiopian  who 
was  advertised  to  shake  up  the  beds  of  the  Dick 
inson,  was  found  and  brought  in  grinning,  while 
the  mystified  veterans  gazed  at  Macnooder  ex 
pectantly. 

"  No,  he  doesn't  look  like  a  valet,"  said  Mac 
nooder  sadly.  "  Not  at  all  like  a  valet." 

"  But  we  can  dress  him  up,"  exclaimed  Tur 
key  Reiter,  the  first  to  seize  the  idea. 

Ten  minutes  later,  Klondike  encased  in  a 
battered  stovepipe,  supplied  with  white  mittens 
and  a  selected  pigeon's  blood  cravat  received  on  a 
salver  a  dozen  calling  cards  which  he  was  in- 

[106] 


THE  FIRM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 

structed  to  present  one  at  a  time,  and  departed 
in  search  of  Montague  Skinner  after  the  stove 
pipe  had  been  decorated  with  a  chicken  feather 
in  lieu  of  a  cockade. 

"  Remember/7  said  Macnooder  imperiously  be 
fore  the  gathering  dispersed,  "  nothing  brutal, 
nothing  coarse,  we  must  do  nothing  to  discourage 
capital,  we  must  be  kind  to  ,Van  Astorbilt,  we 
must  educate  him  —  gently,  for  he  belongs  to  us 
—  all  of  us!" 

Skinner's  first  days  were  replete  with  dis 
turbing  surprises.  He,  the  big  frog,  had  sunk 
with  a  splash,  dwindled  into  a  very  small  tad 
pole  among  a  myriad  of  other  little  tadpoles. 

Of  course  he  had  expected  a  certain  amount  of 
ragging.  When  Klondike,  in  his  circus  para 
phernalia  had  appeared  with  the  calling  cards, 
he  had  recognized  the  patness  of  the  caricature. 
Still,  this  had  surprised  him.  He  had  never 
thought  of  the  incongruity  of  arriving  with  a 
valet,  nor  that  it  would  be  an  isolated  phe 
nomenon.  It  was  rather  upsetting  to  find  him 
self  in  a  world  where  valets  failed  to  impress. 

Another  thing  that  rather  puzzled  him  was  the 
[107] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
studied  attitude  of  deference  assumed  toward 
liini  by  the  Dickinson  House.  He  was  not  al 
ways  quite  sure  of  this  attitude.  At  times  it 
seemed  to  him  that  a  lip  twitched  or  that  a 
roguish  gleam  lurked  in  eyes  that  were  set  for 
gravity. 

Now,  of  course,  this  was  all  rather  ridiculous, 
for  they  were  nothing  but  children,  whereas  he 
—  he  had  lived.  He  had  known  things  beyond 
their  ken,  had  lived  the  life  of  a  man  of  fashion, 
a  cosmopolite,  and  of  course  if  they  found  his 
costumes  rather  individual,  equally  of  course  he 
could  not  be  expected  to  descend  to  jerseys  and 
corduroy  "  pants.'' 

He  had  had  quite  an  interesting  experience 
with  that  minor  detail  of  scholastic  life  —  the 
curriculum.  He  had  hesitated  a  long  while  in 
deliberation  over  the  requirements  for  admission 
into  the  Fifth  Form  and  then  modestly  decided 
to  lengthen  his  sojourn  amid  pleasant  places. 
The  day  following  his  arrival  he  spent  an  an 
noying  morning  and  afternoon  being  examined 
for  the  Fourth.  The  following  morning  he  was 
assigned  to  the  Third,  where  his  recitations  com 
manded  such  solicitous  interest  from  the  Natural 

[108] 


THE  FIRM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 
Enemy  that  lie  agreed  to  descend  another  rung 
on  the  ladder.  There  he  remained  long  enough 
to  become  pleasantly  acquainted  and  wearily  ac 
quiesced  in  his  final  drop  into  the  First  Form, 
where  all  travel  ceases. 

Luckily,  he  did  not  regard  the  curriculum 
seriously.  One  thing,  though,  annoyed  him. 
He  had  passed  through  the  fire  of  baptism  and 
had  been  renamed  the  Uncooked  Beefsteak. 
Whether  this  was  a  tribute  to  himself  as  a  pro 
duct  of  the  Eegal  Hotel  or  whether  it  was  an 
attempt  to  express  felicitously  the  red  hair  and 
singularly  raw  hue  of  his  complexion,  the  fact 
remained  that  he,  Montague  Skinner,  cosmop 
olite,  was  publicly  known  as  the  Uncooked 
Beefsteak.  The  worst  of  it  was  that  he  could 
not  see  the  humor  of  it,  it  hurt  his  pride  that  he 
of  all  men,  before  whom  head  waiters  and 
haberdashers  bowed  down,  should  be  so  misun 
derstood. 

Now  there  are  only  two  ways  to  treat  a  nick 
name;  either  to  grin  and  hope  for  some  future 
coincidence  that  will  substitute  a  more  accept 
able  name,  or  to  place  a  chip  on  your  shoulder 
and  announce  publicly  in  the  fashion  of  Sow 

[109] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
Emmons  and  Vulture  Watkins  that  any  use  of 
the  abhorred  name  will  have  to  be  accomplished 
by  an  exhibition  of  the  manly  art. 

The  first  alternative  was  beyond  the  knowledge 
of  Montague  Skinner  and  the  second  was  brutal 
and  mussing. 

He  fell  back  on  his  knowledge  of  the  weak 
nesses  of  human  nature.  He  would  do  what  he 
had  always  done  —  open  the  pocketbook  and  win 
by  Koman  display. 

Doc  Macnooder  roomed  across  the  hall  in  that 
secret  place  into  which  few  were  allowed  to  pen 
etrate.  Montague  liked  the  ubiquitous  Macnoo 
der.  He  was  so  natural  and  friendly  and  he 
showed  him  the  deference  that  proved  that  Mac 
nooder  at  least  realized  the  difference  between 
a  tumbling  cub  and  a  man  of  experience.  About 
this  time  the  distinction  of  Macnooder's  cravats 
became  a  matter  of  public  comment;  likewise  a 
variegated  vest  that  materially  added  to  the 
charm  of  his  personal  appearance. 

One  afternoon  as  the  Uncooked  Beefsteak  was 
sitting  forlornly  on  his  window  seat,  there  came 
a  knock  and  the  round,  guileless  face  of  Doc 
Macnooder  beamed  through  the  doorway. 

[110] 


THE  FIRM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 

"  Ah  there,  old  Sporting  Life/'  said  Macnooder 
in  a  sympathetic  way,  "  feeling  pretty  chipper?  " 

"  Fine,"  said  the  Uncooked  Beefsteak  with  a 
painful  smile. 

"  Food's  better  in  Little  Old  New  York,  isn't 
it?"  said  Macnooder,  his  eye  roving  among  the 
gay  cravats  that  hung  from  the  bureau  corner. 
Skinner  sighed ;  a  famished  gluttonous  sigh. 

"  I'd  like  to  take  you  out  for  a  little  snap  or 
two  at  some  places  I  know  of,"  he  said  regaining 
his  worldly  air. 

"  Caviar  and  asparagus  ?  " 

"A  vol-au-vent  with  a  cold  salmon  trout 
first." 

"  And  a  real  beefsteak,"  said  Macnooder,  open 
ing  a  bureau  drawer  hungrily. 

Montague  shrank  back,  glancing  at  Macnooder 
suspiciously. 

"  I  say,  Doc." 

"Hello!" 

"  I  wish  you  fellows  wouldn't  call  me  the  Un 
cooked  Beefsteak." 

"  Why,  that's  a  stunning  nickname." 

"  Well,  I  wish  you  wouldn't." 

"  Does  it  worry  you?  " 

[111] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  It  does." 

"  All  right,  Beefsteak,  I'll  try  not  to." 

Montague  bit  his  lip  but  Macnooder's  face 
showed  only  the  zest  of  the  explorer. 

"  I  don't  see  any,"  said  Macnooder  after  a 
minute. 

"Any  what?" 

"  Any  filthy  weeds." 

Montague,  slipping  to  the  door,  shot  the  key 
and  proceeding  to  his  trunk  brought  forth  a  long, 
low  box  decorated  with  custom  stamps  and 
foreign  gilt. 

"  This  is  what  I  smoke,"  he  said  carelessly, 
extending  the  box. 

Macnooder's  glance  trembled  in  spite  of  him 
self. 

"  Black  as  ink  and  half  a  mile  long.  Fifty 
Centers?  " 

"  They're  private  stock,"  said  Montague  in  a 
bored  way.  "  Take  one  if  you  like." 

"  Not  now,"  said  Macnooder,  with  visions  of 
bigger  game  as  he  sat  and  watched  with  wolfish 
eyes  Skinner  return  the  box  under  lock  and  key. 

"  Gee,  Beefsteak,  pardon  me,  Montague  old 
chap,  you  certainly  are  a  dead  game  one." 

[112] 


THE  FIRM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 

"  Oh,  I've  knocked  about  a  bit,"  said  Skinner, 
stretching  his  arms  languidly. 

"  I  say  you  really  are  a  devil  of  a  fellow," 
said  Brer  Rabbit  with  his  imagination  centering 
on  the  miraculous  cigars.  "  There  are  a  couple 
of  champion  smokers  around  these  modest  little 
diggings  but  my  aunt's  cat's  pants!  I  believe 
you  could  smoke  them  to  a  finish." 

"  Champion  smokers !  "  said  Skinner  pricking 
up  his  ears. 

"  Oh,  we  pull  off  a  couple  of  smoking  cham 
pionships  a  year,"  said  Macnooder,  stooping  to 
tighten  his  shoe-laces,  "  secret  Ku-Klux-Klan, 
dead  of  midnight  affairs." 

"  That  interests  me,"  said  Skinner,  approach 
ing. 

"  They're  great  old  pow-wows,"  said  Macnoo 
der,  skillfully  dropping  the  subject.  "  Got  any 
grub?" 

"  We  might  wander  over  to  the  village,"  said 
Skinner,  now  intensely  alert. 

"Why  not?" 

"  I  say  Doc,"  said  Skinner  as  they  shuffled 
over  to  Laloo's  Hot  Dog  Palace,  "  when  do  they 
hold  these  championships?" 

[113] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  Championships?  "  said  Maenooder,  pretend 
ing  ignorance. 

"  Smoking  championships." 

"  One's  due  now." 

"  I'd  like  to  get  into  that,  you  know." 

"  Hm,  rather  difficult.  They're  quite  select  — 
the  Tennessee  Shad  —  old  fellows  —  inner  gang 
—  creme  de  la  creme  and  all  that." 

"  Oh/'  said  Skinner  in  great  disappointment, 
"couldn't  you  work  me  in?" 

"  Hardly." 

"  I'd  like  a  go  at  it." 

"  Let  me  think,"  said  Macnooder  whose  fertile 
brain  had  already  achieved  daylight. 

With  the  object  of  stimulating  a  favorable 
mental  process,  Skinner  not  only  ordered  up  a 
pack  of  steaming  Frankfurters  but  forced  down 
two  indigestibles  himself. 

"  Well,  have  you  thought  up  anything?  "  he 
said  anxiously,  after  they  had  consumed  a  jelly 
roll  and  steered  for  Appleby's,  the  second  station 
on  the  road  from  the  Aching  Void. 

"  I'm  thinking  hard,"  said  Macnooder,  who 
gave  the  high  signal  to  Appleby  and  soon  was 
floundering  among  the  pastries. 

[114] 


THE  FIKM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 

Skinner,  to  be  democratic,  after  considerable 
epicurean  hesitation,  chose  a  Turkish  Paste  as 
the  least  of  many  evils  and  nibbled  a  little  on 
the  edge. 

"  Beefsteak,"  said  Macnooder,  in  a  friendly 
way  as  Skinner  paid  up,  "  you're  really  quite 
the  bounding  boy.  Keally  now, —  we'll  just 
cool  off  at  the  Jigger  Shop, —  really  now,  you 
ought  to  get  into  the  swim  here." 

"  That's  just  what  I  want  to  do,"  said  Skinner 
a  little  too  eagerly.  "  I'd  like  to  know  the  real 
crowd  you  know." 

"  I  see,  sort  of  break  into  high  society,"  said 
Macnooder,  who  bit  his  tongue  to  keep  from 
choking. 

"  Well,"  said  the  Uncooked  Beefsteak,  blush 
ing  a  little. 

"  Oh,  that's  all  right  —  perfectly  proper  — 
just  a  little  expression  of  mine.  Besides  you 
belong  —  you're  it  —  you're  the  real  thing  — 
you're  a  sport,  you  know." 

"  I  say,  have  you  been  thinking  up  a  scheme?  " 
said  Skinner,  not  only  anxious  but  a  little 
suspicious  of  Macnooder's  admiration. 

"  I  have  a  glimmer,"  said  Macnooder,  nodding 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
to  Al,  the  guardian  of  the  Jigger  and  elevating 
three  fingers  as  a  signal  for  the  maximum,  "  yes, 
I  may  say  a  twinkle.  I  wish  the  Tennessee 
Shad  were  around.  Try  half  a  dozen  eclairs, 
you  old  gormandizer.  Shut  your  eyes  and  im 
agine  you're  denting  the  menu  at  dear  old  Del's. 
No?  Well,  thinking  it  over,  I  think  I  will.  Al, 
transport  the  eclairs.'' 

"  You  said  a  twinkle,"  said  Skinner  patiently 
figuring  out  Macnooder's  greatest  possible  cubic 
capacity. 

"  Exactly  that,"  said  Macnooder,  who  con 
tinued  to  assist  his  stomach  to  stimulate  his 
mind. 

"  Well,  what  have  you  hit  upon?  "  said  Skin 
ner,  expectantly. 

"  A  good  one,"  said  Macnooder,  leaving  with 
one  hand  upon  the  belt  and  a  lingering  back 
ward  glance. 

"  Let's  go  back  to  the  room  and  talk  it  over." 

"  Never !  "  said  Doc  in  alarm,  "  we  might  be 
overheard  —  we'll  just  roll  up  to  Conover's  and 
get  a  quiet  corner,  and  eat  a  few  pancakes  while 
we're  discussing  the  details." 

"  I'm  not  hungry,"  said  Skinner  defensively. 
[116] 


THE  FIRM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 

"  That's  all  right,"  said  Macnooder  cheerfully. 
« I  am." 

"  You  think  you  can  work  me  in,  then,"  said 
Skinner,  after  waiting  for  Doc  to  open  the  sub 
ject. 

"  Not  in  the  championships,"  said  Doc.  "  You 
have  to  be  elected  to  the  Sporting  Club  and  all 
that  —  most  select.  I  have  another  way,  though, 
but  it's  expensive.  You  get  the  word  —  expen 
sive." 

Skinner  handed  Mrs.  Conover  a  ten  dollar  gold 
certificate. 

"  You  reassure  me,"  said  Doc  with  a  summery 
smile. 

Skinner  had  a  sudden  feeling  of  uneasiness. 

"  We  were  speaking  of  breaking  into  society," 
said  Macnooder.  "  That's  the  idea." 

"  How  so? "  said  the  Uncooked  Beefsteak, 
looking  decidedly  raw. 

"  You  give  a  banquet  —  an  introductory  ban 
quet —  a  sort  of  debutante  affair,  you  know." 

"  How  could  it  be  pulled  off?  "  said  the  Beef 
steak,  caressing  the  idea. 

"  Terrific  secrecy,  dead  of  midnight,  banks  of 
the  canal,  and  all  that." 

[117] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  But  the  smoking  championship?  " 

"  Aha !  "  said  Macnooder,  looking  very  subtle, 
"  that's  where  the  real  idea  comes  in.  For  the 
entertainment  of  your  guests  you  give  an  invita 
tion  smoking  meet." 

"  I  see,"  said  Skinner  joyfully. 

"And  put  up  as  first  prize  a  nice  long  fat 
juicy  box  of  expensive  cigars." 

"  But  suppose  I  win  ?  " 

«  You  won't." 

"  Oh,  I  don't  know." 

"Well,  are  you  fond  of  my  idea?"  said  Mac 
nooder  proudly. 

"  I  am/'  said  Skinner,  resting  his  hand  on 
Doc's  shoulder  as  a  mark  of  special  favor.  "  But 
I  say,  how  do  you  work  a  smoking  champion 
ship?" 

"  Leave  that  to  me." 

"  Who'll  I  invite?  " 

"  Likewise  to  me.  I'm  the  little  social  secre 
tary." 

"What'll  I  get?" 

"  Caviar,"  said  Doc  firmly. 

"  Something  in  the  line  of  pates?  " 

"Truffled  pheasants  and  all  that  sort  of 
thing." 

[118] 


THE  FIRM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 

"  A  lot  of  sweets." 

"  But  no  beefsteaks"  said  Macnooder  who  de 
parted  hastily  to  roll  off  his  laughter  on  the  soft 
lawn  behind  the  Kennedy,  where  he  and  the  Ten 
nessee  Shad  sat  long  in  gleeful  consultation. 

Skinner  was  complacently  elated  at  the  new 
prospect.  After  all,  big  schools  were  very  much 
like  small  ones  and  the  way  into  high  society 
lay  clear  whatever  the  geography.  The  more  he 
thought  over  Macnooder's  scheme,  the  more  it 
appealed  to  him.  He  had  no  vulgar  envy  in  his 
nature.  He  did  not  aspire  to  be  a  hero  —  all  he 
asked  was  to  be  the  patron  of  heroes. 

Full  of  confident  expectations,  he  wrote  a  let 
ter  to  Bucks,  the  marooned  valet,  outlining  a 
program  of  Lucullan  prodigality.  After  Doc 
Macnooder  had  dropped  in  for  a  few  words  of 
suggestion,  two  large  boxes  stuffed  with  the 
Hotel  KegaPs  transported  best  duly  arrived  and 
were  placed  in  safe  keeping. 

Finally,  the  great  social  night  arriving,  Skin 
ner  received  the  first  real  thrill  of  his  mis 
directed  little  existence —  the  thrill  of  forbid 
den  fruit.  At  ten  o'clock  the  shivering  Beef 
steak,  completely  dressed,  beheld  a  thin  roving 

[119] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

bar  of  light  trickling  under  the  crack  of  his 
door.  The  next  moment,  Doc  Macnooder  pre 
ceded  by  a  bullseye  lantern  stole  noiselessly 
into  the  darkness. 

"Who's  that?"  said  the  Uncooked  Beefsteak 
in  a  chilly  whisper. 

"  Hush,"  said  Macnooder  hoarsely,  "  not  a 
breath ! " 

"What's  that  for?"  said  the  Beefsteak, 
alarmed  at  the  sight  of  a  black  cloth  that 
shrouded  the  mysterious  face,  burglar  fashion. 

"  We  must  never  be  recognized !  " 

"  Is  there  any  danger?  " 

"  Heaps.  Old  Greek-roots  sleeps  on  a  trig 
ger.  Put  on  this  handkerchief.  Get  off  those 
shoes.  All  ready  now?" 

"  I  say,  what'll  we  do  if  he  nabs  us?  " 

"  Soak  him  on  the  point  of  the  chin,"  said 
Macnooder  very  solemnly.  "  If  you  miss  him,  I'll 
get  him  and  then  scud  for  your  room.  Come 
on  now,  on  your  tiptoes." 

Guided  by  Macnooder,    the    now    thoroughly 
alarmed  Beefsteak  slipped  along    the    horribly 
proclaiming  halls  and  through  Hungry  Smeed's 
window  out  into  the  steaming  night. 
[120] 


THE  FIRM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 

"  Gee !  "  said  Montague,  using  that  vulgar  ex 
clamation  for  the  first  time,  "  Gee,  that  was 
great !  " 

"  First  time?  " 

«  You  bet." 

"  Danger's  not  over  yet.  What's  that?  Down 
on  your  pantry !  " 

"  Someone's  moving  towards  us." 

"  Grab  my  hand.  Come  on  now.  Run  for 
your  life." 

Guided  by  Macnooder,  stumbling  and  sway 
ing,  Skinner  felt  the  soft  turf  rush  under  him. 
They  dodged  between  the  chapel  and  the  ac 
cursed  abode  of  Compulsory  Bath,  skirted  the 
baseball  diamonds,  and  stopped  to  draw  breath 
behind  the  safe  confines  of  the  laundry. 

"  Narrow  squeak." 

"  Great,"  said  the  palpitating  Beefsteak. 

They  passed  through  negro  settlements,  dimly 
emerging  in  the  suffused  light  of  the  approach 
ing  moon,  rattling  their  sticks  along  picket 
fences  to  the  indignation  of  furious  dogs  that 
came  bounding  after  them,  while  from  ahead 
came  faint  echoes  of  other  parties  similarly  en 
gaged.  Gradually  their  group  was  augmented 

[121] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
until  as  they  reached  the  banks  of  the  canal  they 
mustered  a  dozen  in  free  marching  order.  An 
other  dozen  under  the  leadership  of  the  Tennes 
see  Shad  were  splashing  in  the  none- too-fragrant 
waters  or  drying  their  ghostly  limbs  ashore. 
Answering  shouts  went  up. 

"  Here  we  are." 

"Where's  the  grub?" 

"Oh,  Turkey  Keiter!" 

"  Hello  there,  Butcher  Stevens!  " 

"  Have  you  got  Van  Astorbilt?  " 

"  You  bet  we  have." 

"  Open  the  boxes," 

"  Give  us  the  grub." 

"Am  I  hungry?" 

"Oh,  no!" 

The  strange  zest  of  adventure  disappeared  in 
Skinner.  He  was  again  in  his  element,  he  the 
purveyor  of  banquets  and  the  patron  of  heroes. 
The  swimmers  came  in  dripping,  hastily  scram 
bling  for  places  in  the  festive  ring. 

At  this  moment  there  was  a  disturbance  near 
the  provender,  and  Finnegan  came  rushing  up 
to  Macnooder. 

"  I  say,  Doc !      Here  is  the  Coffee  Colored  An- 
[122] 


THE  FIRM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 
gel  who's  sneaked  up  on  us  and  wants  a  share  of 
the  swag." 

"  Throw  him  out !  " 

"  He  says  he  is  on  to  the  game,  and  will  give 
the  whole  shooting  match  away.  What's  to  be 
done?" 

"  Welcome  him  with  open  arms,"  said  Mac 
nooder,  who  had  the  instincts  of  the  politician, 
"  and  kick  the  slats  out  of  him  to-morrow." 

"  Start  her  up !  "  cried  a  score  of  voices. 

"  Give  us  the  truffles !  " 

"  Trot  out  your  venison !  " 

"  Little  girls  and  little  boys,"  said  Macnooder, 
who  loved  to  speak,  but  was  seldom  allowed  to 
finish,  "  when  the  evening  star,  swimming 
across  the  sun-kissed  horizon  — " 

"Cut  it  out!" 

"  No  elocution !  " 

"  Come  down  to  earth !  " 

"  My  friends,"  said  Macnooder,  complacently 
yielding,  "  before  opening  this  evening's  enter 
tainment,  I  would  draw  your  attention  to  a  few 
articles  of  daily  necessity  which  I  am  prepared 
to  furnish  at  prices  — " 

"  No  business !  " 

[123] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  You  can't  flim-flam  us  to-night." 

"  Come  to  the  point." 

"  Gentlemen,"  said  Macnooder,  looking  about 
him  doubtfully,  "  you  forget.  Where  are  your 
manners?  Kemember  this  is  a  debutante  affair. 
Gentlemen,  I  have  the  honor  to  socially  intro 
duce  to  you  Mr.  Montague  Skinner,  the  Fifth 
Avenue  Narcissus,  one  of  the  leaders  of  the 
creme  de  la  creme  of  Metropolitan  fashion. 
Mr.  Skinner's  perfect  pants  are  the  feature  of  the 
famous  annual  poultry  exhibition.  Mr.  Skin 
ner's  socks  are  the  limit  —  of  gentility.  Mr. 
Skinner's  neckties  are  destined  to  revolutionize 
local  styles." 

"  You  ought  to  know,  Doc !  "  said  a  voice. 

"  I  do  know,"  said  Macnooder,  wTith  an  evil 
look  into  the  crowd,  "  and  I  know  likewise  the 
skulking  author  of  that  aspersion.  I  resume. 
Mr.  Montague  Skinner  in  making  his  debut  into 
the  creme  de  la  creme  of  Lawrenceville  society 
comes  before  you,  not  simply  as  the  spoiled 
favorite  of  the  lobster  palaces,  but  as  an 
athlete!" 

"A  what?"  cried  a  dozen  mystified  voices. 

"  I  said  athlete,"  said  Macnooder.  "  Mr. 
[124] 


THE  FIRM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 

Montague  Skinner  is  the  holder  of  all  Metropoli 
tan  junior  smoking  records,  from  the  one-minute 
cigarette  dash  to  the  one-hour  record  on  cigars. 
As  a  preliminary  to  the  opening  of  the  evening's 
banquet,  Mr.  Skinner  will  meet  in  friendly  com 
petition  the  leather-lunged  champions  of  the 
school.  In  order  to  add  a  little  sportiness  to 
the  evening,  as  well  as  to  soften  the  edge  of  his 
munificence,  Mr.  Skinner  will  supply  each  guest 
with  three  cigars.  You  start  on  a  crouching 
start,  and  the  first  to  finish,  the  first  at  the  grub. 
Two  prizes  will  be  offered  —  one  open  to  all 
present  for  the  first  to  finish  these  same  diamond- 
backed  goldplated  cigars ;  the  second  for  the  con 
test  of  champions." 

"  What's  that? ' 

"  It  will  be  a  finish  fight  —  no  quarter  asked 
or  given!  Each  contestant  has  nominated  his 
particular  brand  of  leather.  There  are  five 
Would-Bes.  There  will  be  five  distinctly  dif 
ferent  poisonous  rounds.  In  deference  to  our 
host,  the  first  round  will  be  at  cigars  known  as 
the  Pride  of  the  Regal  Hotel;  second  round  at 
corncob  pipes  specially  loaded;  third  round  at 
stogies;  fourth  round  at  political  cigars,  and 

[125] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

fifth  round  at  a  final  death-defying  test  pro 
posed  bj  Butcher  Stevens  —  the  terrible  Hub- 
ble-Bubble  —  the  Hookah  or  Persian  Water- 
Pipe!" 

"  Supposin'  they  live  through  it ! "  said  a 
voice. 

"They  won't,"  said  Macnooder.  "But  if 
they  do,  a  new  series  will  begin  at  once  until  a 
decisive  knock-out  shall  be  scored.7' 

"  A  regular  ten-second  knock-out?  " 

"  Each  contestant  as  he  drops  by  the  wayside 
will  be  allowed  one  hour  and  twenty  minutes  to 
recover  and  then  a  doctor  will  be  summoned." 

"  What  doctor?  " 

"  Doctor  Macnooder." 

"  I  resign,"  cried  a  dozen  voices. 

Macnooder,  whose  soul  was  above  mosquito 
bites,  continued: 

"The  Hon.  Kinky  Dink  Stover,  Tough  Mc 
Carthy,  the  champion  gum  chewer  of  the  Wood- 
hull;  Mr.  Dennis  de  Brian  de  Boru  Finnegan, 
our  little  silent  boy,  and  the  Tennessee  Shad, 
the  Apollo  Belvedere  of  the  Blue  Ridges,  have 
unselfishly  agreed  to  serve  as  judges,  spongers, 
and  ambulance  corps." 

[126] 


THE  FIRM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 

'*  Cheese  it ! "  said  the  voice  of  the  rebel. 

"  Why  don't  they  smoke  up?  "  cried  another. 

"Mr.  Stover  and  Mr.  McCarthy,"  said  Mac- 
nooder  suavely,  "  as  far  as  can  be  discovered, 
are  bound  by  a  secret  oath  never  again  to  touch 
tobacco.  Mr.  Finnegan  is  desisting  in  the  hope 
of  ultimately  reaching  five  feet,  and  the  Tennes 
see  Shad  refrains  from  fear  of  scorching  his 
bones." 

"  Gee,  Doc,  but  you  are  a  peach !  "  said  the 
voice  of  one  who  was  still  cramped  by  the  facts. 

"  Any  more  questions?  " 

There  were  none. 

"  I  will  now  introduce  to  you  Mr.  Montague 
Skinner,  the  pet  of  the  lobster  palaces  and  the 
Prince  of  Wales  of  New  Jersey  fashions." 

As  Skinner  rose  to  bow  his  blushing  acknowl 
edgments,  Macnooder  with  a  wave  of  his  hand 
transferred  the  box  of  cigars  to  the  Tennessee 
Shad,  who  emerged  from  the  shadows  and  pro 
ceeded  to  distribute.  Just  what  took  place  in 
that  shadow  is  locked  in  the  secret  archives  of 
the  firm  of  Macnooder  and  the  Tennessee  Shad, 
but  the  answer  might  explain  much  that  pro 
ceeded  to  happen. 

[127] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
Quite  deceived  by  the  vociferousness  of  the 
false  applause  that  greeted  him,  Skinner  felt 
again  the  pleasant  tickling  sensations  that  re 
called  the  prodigal  days  of  the  metropolis.  He 
withdrew  with  all  the  old  gorgeousness  to  join 
the  group  of  champions.  The  risen  moon  flung 
leafy  shadows  over  the  half-naked  circle  of  con 
testants,  where  each  novice  was  resolved  to  die  a 
martyr's  death  rather  than  miss  the  opportun 
ity  of  smoking  a  genuine  one-dollar  cigar.  At 
a  command  from  Macnooder,  the  matches 
crackled  into  flames  like  the  points  of  distant 
picket  fires,  accompanied  at  once  by  a  gradually 
increasing  chorus  of  coughs  and  choking.  Still 
not  a  descendant  of  Eve,  lover  of  the  forbidden, 
flinched  at  his  awful  task. 

"  I  will  now  present  the  champions  of  cham 
pions,"  said  Macnooder  in  cadence.  "  Mr.  Mon 
tague  Skinner,  the  conqueror  of  the  Kockfeller- 
ite,  the  cigar  that  the  Czar  of  Russia  calls  for 
with  his  morning  coffee,  you  have  just  had  pre 
sented  to  you.  The  second  contestant  is  Mr. 
Butcher  Stevens,  who  smokes  the  terrible  Hub- 
ble-Bubble  as  a  baby  swallows  a  hatpin.  Mr. 
Stevens  is  absolutely  confident  of  success." 

[128] 


THE  FIEM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 

Butcher  Stevens  arose  amidst  applause  and 
performed  a  bow  by  means  of  a  scraping  motion 
of  Ms  left  foot, 

"  The  third  contestant  is  Mr.  Slush  Randolph, 
known  as  the  White  Terror,  or  King  of  the 
Cigarette  Fiends.  Mr.  Randolph  takes  great 
pride  in  his  yellow-tipped  fingers,  which  he  wag 
gishly  calls  his  Meerschaums.  Mr.  Randolph  is 
absolutely  confident  of  sucess." 

Slush  Randolph  smiled  a  sickly  smile  and 
tumbled  backward  to  .a  place  beside  Butcher 
Stevens. 

"  Our  fourth  contestant,"  continued  Macnoo- 
der,  "  is  Mr.  Stubbs,  the  White  Mountain  Can 
ary.  Mr.  Stubb's  speeches  for  the  Democratic 
ticket  not  only  defeated  Mr.  Bryan  but  wrecked 
his  party.  Mr.  Stubbs  bases  his  hopes  for  vic 
tory  on  the  training  he  received  in  smoking  po 
litical  cigars,  five  of  which,  the  gift  of  a  Pro 
hibitionist  candidate  for  dog  catcher,  he  is  con 
fident  no  man  can  smoke  and  live  to  tell  the  tale. 
The  White  Mountain  Canary  is  absolutely  con 
fident  of  success." 

Stubbs,  who  had  listened  to  this  biography  in 
awe-struck  amazement,  gasped  and  sat  down, 

[139] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

keeping  a  fascinated  glance  on  the  orator 
of  the  evening. 

"  The  fifth  and  last  contestant,"  continued 
Macnooder,  "  is  Gomez,  the  Black  Beauty,  the 
Dark  Horse  from  Cuba.  Beauty,  although  a 
freshman  just  arrived,  has  a  reputation  second 
to  none.  In  Cuba  it  is  said  he  smoked  his  first 
cigar  at  the  age  of  three  years  and  two  months. 
He  is  absolutely  confident  of  success." 

As  the  fifth  contestant  awkwardly  slouched 
forward  and  bobbed  his  head,  a  suppressed  mur 
mur  ran  the  rounds  of  the  burning  circle,  while 
Tough  McCarthy  and  Dink  Stover  were  seen  to 
bend  warningly  over  the  form  of  the  Coffee  Col 
ored  Angel,  who  had  been  making  remarks. 

"  First  Bound,  on  Mr.  Montague  Skinner's 
suggestion,  at  the  Kockfellerite  coupon-bearing 
cigar.  Ready!  Go!  All  other  contestants  are 
reminded  that  three  cigars  must  be  finished  be 
fore  denting  the  grub,  the  sooner  the  finish,  the 
more  the  grub!  Smoke  up,  you  Gormandiz 
ers!  " 

Skinner  drew  in  his  first  puff  with  compla 
cency,  assuming  a  position  of  ease  and  dignity 
against  a  tree.  He  studied  his  rivals,  discount- 

[130] 


THE  FIRM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 
ing  at  once  Slush  Randolph  and  the  White 
Mountain  Canary,  who  already  were  smoking 
lip-deep,  but  considering  uneasily  the  profes 
sional  precision  of  Butcher  Stevens  and  the 
Black  Beauty. 

He  finished  his  favorite  cigar  with  a  slight 
but  noticeable  feeling  of  heaviness,  due,  no  doubt, 
to  the  distance  from  the  last  feeding  hour. 
Butcher  and  Black  Beauty  were  already  wait 
ing,  having  ended  together.  The  White  Moun 
tain  Canary  was  permitted  to  continue  after  a 
slight  altercation  with  the  judges  as  to  the 
amount  consumed,  while  the  White  Terror, 
coughing  through  the  last  heated  puffs,  un 
buckled  his  belt  and  removed  his  upper  gar 
ments  with  gladiatorial  resolution. 

"  Round  Two,  contribution  of  Mr.  Slush  Ran 
dolph,  corncob  pipes  with  Mr.  Randolph's 
special  mixture,  known  as  The  Blacksmith's  De 
light." 

Skinner  received  his  pipe  with  less  elation. 
The  first  puff  made  him  glance  up  sharply,  half 
suspecting  a  practical  joke.  To  his  surprise  the 
White  Mountain  Canary,  albeit  with  an  expres 
sion  of  pain,  was  resolutely  at  work,  while  the 

[131] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
White  Terror's  face   showed   an   expression    of 
malignant  ecstasy. 

At  the  conclusion  of  Kound  Two  the  honors 
were  plainly  with  the  Black  Beauty,  who  had 
drawn  slightly  ahead  of  Butcher  Stevens,  while 
a  considerable  interval  separated  Skinner  and 
Slush  Eandolph  from  the  White  Mountain 
Canary. 

"  Bound  Three,"  said  the  cold,  unfeeling  voice 
of  Doc  Macnooder ;  "  political  cigars,  name  un 
known,  at  suggestion  of  the  White  Mountain 
Canary." 

The  cigar  was  worse  than  the  pipe.  A  slight 
haze  began  to  rock  slowly  down  from  the  over 
hanging  boughs.  In  desperation  Skinner  tried 
quick,  short  puffs,  expelled  as  soon  as  taken,  but 
at  that  he  began  to  cough  uneasily.  The  outer 
circle  of  contestants  had  disappeared  from  his 
consciousness,  he  saw  only  his  little  area,  the 
tense  faces  of  Slush  and  Stubbs,  the  determined 
jaws  of  Stevens,  and  the  indolent  figure  of  the 
Black  Beauty,  who,  as  regular  as  a  teakettle,  was 
enjoying  every  puff. 

At  Bound  Four,  Slush  Bandolph  had  crawled 
away  and  the  White  Mountain  Canary  lay  on 

[132] 


THE  FIKM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 
his  back  with  one  leg  elevated  in  token  of  the 
surrender  he  was  unable  to  utter. 

"  Bound  Four,"  said  the  joyful  voice,  "  resigna 
tions  of  the  White  Mountain  Canary  and  Slush, 
the  King  of  the  Cigarette  Fiends,  received 
and  accepted.  Still  resolved  on  asphyxiation, 
Butcher  Stevens,  Montague  Skinner,  and  the 
Black  Beauty.  Round  Four,  suggested  by  the 
Dark  Horse  from  Cuba,  will  be  at  the  famous 
Seaman's  Stogy,  a  charming  little  thing  used 
either  as  a  pastime  or  to  lash  the  tiller.  Are  you 
ready?  Go!" 

Butcher  Stevens  took  two  short,  jerky  puffs, 
glanced  very  hard  at  Macnooder,  and  immed 
iately  threw  up  the  sponge.  The  sight  brought 
no  feeling  of  joy  to  Skinner  —  he  had  tried  the 
Stogy,  with  a  pain  like  an  electric  needle  shoot 
ing  through  his  lungs.  Still  he  would  not  give 
in.  He  would  show  them  that  courage  was  a 
relative  thing,  that  they  could  fail  where  he 
could  rise  superior.  His  head  rocked  and  weird 
forms  danced  before  his  eyes,  but  still  he  kept 
on.  Suddenly  he  looked  about  him.  Of  the 
dozen  who  had  started  in  the  common  race,  not 
one  was  left  upright.  He  had  the  feeling  of  a 

[133] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
conqueror  on  the  battlefield  of  his  own  defeat. 
Muttered  curses  and  objurgations  seemed  to  buzz 
about  him  in  indistinct  gasps.  He  heard  them 
not  at  all.  His  flickering  energies  were  concen 
trated  on  keeping  alive  the  red  spark  at  the  end 
of  the  thing  that  burned  like  a  wet  rope  coated 
with  tar. 

Halfway  through,  the  haze  cleared,  and  he  sud 
denly  perceived  the  Black  Beauty  deliciously  on 
his  back,  legs  crossed,  expelling  huge  volumes  of 
smoke,  INHALING  every  breath !  At  this  sight 
all  resolution  oozed  from  him.  He  tried  one  last 
discouraged  pull,  then  allowed  the  reeking  weed 
to  slip  from  his  limp  fist,  and  digging  his  fingers 
in  the  warm  turf,  desperately  strove  to  steady 
the  careening  world. 

Once  only  he  opened  his  dizzy  eyes  —  at  the 
sound  of  a  clattering  plate.  In  the  middle  of 
the  circle,  laughing  ghoulishly,  Macnooder  the 
traitor,  Stover,  McCarthy,  Finnegan,  and  the 
Tennessee  Shad  were  literally  stuffing  themselves 
with  the  banquet  that  was  to  have  fed  the  score, 
that  now  lay  in  groaning  groups  vowing  venge 
ance  on  him,  Skinner,  who  had  sought  only  popu 
larity. 

[134] 


THE  FIRM  FINDS  A  NEW  VICTIM 
In  this  one  horrid  glance  he  had  a  vision  of  the 
Black  Beauty,  who,  disdaining  food,  still  glori 
ously  on  his  back,  was  burning  up  the  delicious 
cigars  with  the  rapidity  of  a  prairie  fire. 

"  I  hear  you  had  a  party,"  said  Al,  watchdog 
of  the  Jigger,  when  the  next  morning  Skinner 
had  stolen  over  during  forbidden  hours. 

"  They  tell  me  I  did,"  said  Skinner,  weakly  or 
dering  a  bromo-seltzer. 

"  I  hear  quite  a  few  young  bruisers  are  laying 
for  you.7' 

"  I  am  not  very  popular,"  said  the  Un 
cooked  Beefsteak  slowly,  reflecting  with  a  new 
enlightenment  how  ungrateful  republics  may 
be. 

"  I  suppose  you  know  how  Macnooder  and  the 
Tennessee  Shad  flim-flammed  you,"  said  Al,  who 
harbored  a  little  professional  jealousy. 

"  No." 

"  Worked  in  a  lot  of  doped  cigars  and  cornered 
the  grub." 

"  I  don't  care,"  said  Skinner,  to  whom  even 
French  cooking  would  never  mean  anything 
again. 

[135] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  They  tell  me,  though,  you  are  pretty  good  at 
the  weed,"  said  Al,  to  console  him. 

"  I  thought  I  was  till  I  struck  that  fellow 
Black  Beauty." 

"Who?" 

"  The  fellow  from  Cuba  —  Gomez,"  said  the 
Uncooked  Beefsteak  with  reluctant  admiration. 

"  Huh  —  there  goes  your  Gomez  now/'  said  Al 
with  a  short,  barking  laugh. 

"  Why,  that's  Blinky !  "  said  Skinner,  perceiv 
ing  the  one-eyed  purveyor  of  illicit  Sunday 
papers  slouching  across  the  street. 

"  Sure,"  said  Al,  looking  pityingly  at  the  young 
innocent.  "  Macnooder  worked  him  in  to  take 
no  chances.  Blinky  could  set  fire  to  a  rubber 
hose  and  smoke  it  with  ease  and  pleasure." 


CHAPTER  VI 

A  SLIGHT  DISPUTE  IN   THE  FIRM 

If  the  smoking  championship  had  blighted 
Montague  Skinner's  young  and  tender  illusions 
it  had  also  its  sting  for  its  promoters.  The  im 
mediate  consequence  was  an  abrupt  and  violent 
rupture  in  the  firm  of  youthful  promoters  on  the 
following  abstruse  point  of  moral  and  financial 
etiquette. 

When  the  final  division  had  been  made  of 
cigars,  slightly  damaged  sandwiches,  mixed  meat 
pastes,  half -filled  bottles  of  root  beer  and  ginger 
ale,  uneaten  eclairs  and  French  pastry  turning 
slightly  to  the  sour,  and  the  same  had  either 
been  forced  into  the  Aching  Void  or  sold  to 
rank  outsiders  for  cash  considerations,  the 
Tennessee  Shad  discovered  by  accident  that  Mac- 
nooder  had  actually  collected  from  Blinky  and 
each  of  the  challenging  smokers  the  sum  of 
twenty-five  cents  for  the  privilege  of  smoking 
the  miraculous  cigars.  The  Tennessee  Shad  de 
manded  an  equitable  accounting  of  all  sums 

[137] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
gained  from  whatever  source.     Macnooder  re 
fused,  claiming  certain  perquisites  as  financier 
and  underwriter  and  on  this  point  an  instant 
estrangement  took  place. 

The  Tennessee  Shad  nursing  the  bitterness  a 
creative  genius  feels  for  the  pettinesses  of  a  com 
mercial  partner,  was  curled  up  on  the  window 
seat  of  his  high  station  at  the  Kennedy,  when  a 
sudden  outburst  of  shrieks  sounded  opposite. 

"Beefsteak,  this  way!" 

"  Come  on,  you  son  of  the  Regal  Hotel !  " 

"  Beefsteak,  clean  my  shoes ! ?1 

"  Beefsteak,  shake  up  this  coat !  " 

"  Beefsteak,  tidy  up  my  room !  " 

"Shake  a  leg!" 

"  On  the  jump !  " 

"  Oh,  you  Beefsteak !  " 

The  Tennessee  Shad  uncoiled  as  a  snake  un 
coils,  and  lifting  his  head  listened  curiously  to 
the  insistent  chorus  that  was  borne  to  him  from 
the  open  windows  of  the  Dickinson  opposite. 
From  time  to  time  the  frantic  figure  of  Mon 
tague  Skinner  could  be  seen  rushing  through  the 
rooms  in  a  confused  attempt  to  serve  many  mas 
ters. 

[138] 


A  SLIGHT  DISPUTE  IN  THE  FIRM 

"  That's  quite  a  speedy  valet  service  they've 
organized  over  there,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup  en 
viously. 

"  It's  a  mistake,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  in 
lazy  disapproval. 

"How  so?" 

"The  Beefsteak  won't  stand  it.  He'll  run 
away  —  ship  before  the  mast  and  all  that  sort  of 
thing.  They're  overdoing  it." 

"  Well,  can  you  blame  the  crowd?  "  said  the 
Gutter  Pup,  thinking  of  the  smoking  fiasco. 
"  Why,  I  can  taste  those  cigars  yet." 

As  this  was  a  delicate  subject  and  the  Shad 
was  quite  aware  that  his  own  motives  were  under 
the  gravest  suspicion,  he  turned  the  conversation 
with  a  yawn. 

"All  the  same  I'd  like  to  swipe  that  young 
gold  mine  for  one  little  week,"  he  remarked. 

The  expression  was  casual  and  without  malice, 
but  no  sooner  uttered  than  it  became  a  moving 
idea.  Unseen  by  the  Gutter  Pup,  the  Tennessee 
Shad  experienced  almost  a  physical  shock.  His 
head  rose  eagerly  and  his  eyes  focusing  on  the 
noisy  Dickinson  fixed  themselves  in  a  dreamy 
stare. 

[139] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  Supposin'  I  did  swipe  him?  "  he  said  softly 
to  himself. 

Now,  of  course  such  an  act  was  in  direct  de 
fiance  of  all  law  and  precedent,  which  forbids 
poaching  beyond  territorial  limits.  The  Ten 
nessee  Shad,  however,  was  one  who  be 
queathed  precedents  rather  than  followed 
them. 

With  this  predatory  scheme  in  mind  the  Ten 
nessee  Shad  became  keenly  alive  to  the  turbulent 
course  of  the  Uncooked  Beefsteak's  education  in 
the  Dickinson. 

Shortly  afterwards  Skinner,  voyaging  toward 
the  Jigger  Shop,  was  agreeably  surprised  to  per 
ceive  the  thin,  elongated  body  of  the  Tennessee 
Shad  bearing  across  his  path  with  the  most 
friendly  intentions. 

"  Why,  it's  the  Pet  of  the  Lobster  Palaces !  " 
said  the  Shad,  seemingly  surprised  by  the  en 
counter. 

Skinner  who  had  had  nicknames  showered 
upon  him  like  flowers  about  a  prima  donna,  ac 
cepted  the  title  without  demur. 

"Going  over  to  the  village?"  said  the  Shad 
cheerily. 

[140] 


A  SLIGHT  DISPUTE  IN  THE  FIRM 

"  Yes." 

"  Come  on.     How  are  things  going?  " 

"  Oh,  all  right,"  said  the  Beefsteak  wearily 
adopting  the  answer  de  rigueur. 

"  Not  very  chipper,  though?  " 

«  Oh,  well  — " 

"  The  merry  little  sunshine  smile  not  exactly 
working,  eh?  " 

fNo— a." 

They  had  now  come  to  that  short  and  narrow 
dash  that  leads  to  the  Jigger  Shop,  and  the  Un 
cooked  Beefsteak,  not  only  seeking  sympathy,  but 
willing  to  buy  it,  said : 

"  How  about  a  few  jiggers?  " 

The  Tennessee  Shad  who  was  always  subtle, 
brushing  aside  an  immediate  advantage  in  order 
to  launch  more  securely  his  future  maneuvres, 
replied : 

"  ThaDks,  old  Hippopotamus,  but  I'm  out  for 
exercise." 

Now,  had  Skinner  been  anything  but  a  new 
comer  the  monstrosity  of  this  statement  would 
have  put  him  at  once  on  the  qui-vive.  As  it  was, 
he  wag  overwhelmed  by  a  stranger  sentiment. 
For  the  first  time  since  his  advent  to  the  school 

[141] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
he  had  offered  and  received  a  refusal.     With 
this  unexpected  shock  all  defiance  and  suspicion 
died  away. 

"  Who's  putting  you  through  the  paces?" 
said  the  Tennessee  Shad,  observing  the  result 
with  satisfaction. 

"  Why,  it's  no  particular  one/'  said  Skinner 
sadly. 

"  But  Macnooder  is  the  worst !"  said  the  Shad, 
striving  for  an  advantage. 

"  Perhaps." 

"Pretty  strenuous,  eh?  what?" 

Skinner  passed  his  hand  over  his  moist  fore 
head  and  admitted  without  qualification  the 
justice  of  the  observation. 

"  That's  the  trouble  with  Macnooder  —  he's  so 
coarse ! " 

Skinner,  thus  artfully  encouraged,  blurted 
out: 

"  I  don't  mind  the  rest,  but  it's  the  scrubbing- 
up  the  shoes,  the  blacking,  that  gets  my  nerves." 

"  You've  got  good  nerve  though,"  said  the 
Shad,  examining  critically  the  stained  fingers. 

"  Oh,  I'll  stick  it  out." 

"  Good  boy.     Too  bad  you're  not  with  us." 
[143] 


A  SLIGHT  DISPUTE  IN  THE  FIRM 

"  I  say,  how  long  — "  said  Skinner,  who  then 
balked  and  stopped. 

"  How  long  will  you  have  to  be  the  Merry  Lit 
tle  Bootblack?" 

«  Yes  —  that's  about  it." 

"  Urn  —  m.  That  depends.  Now  I'll  tell  you 
what  to  do,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad,  carefully 
choosing  the  best  means  to  prolong  the  period  of 
servitude  that  now  seemed  to  promise  him  such 
fair  returns.  "  Jolly  right  up  with  them !  " 

"  What?  "  said  Skinner  amazed. 

"  Sure.  Show  you're  one  of  them.  Walk 
right  up  and  swat  'em  on  the  back ! " 

"  No ! " 

"  Jump  in  and  tickle  'em  right  under  the  ribs 

-  be  playful." 
"Playful?" 

"  That's  the  game.  Start  a  few  jokes  at  'em 
yourself." 

"  What  kind?  " 

•  "  Create  the  trousers  the  wrong  way  —  a  lit 
tle  mucillage  in  their  shoes,  camphor  balls  down 
the  lamp  chimney,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing." 

"But  what'll  they  do?  " 

"  Do?    Why,  they'll  discharge  you  for  a  bum 
[143] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
valet!"      id  the  Tennessee  Shad  with  tears  in 
his  eyes. 

"By  Gc    ge,  I'll  try  it." 

"  Do,  an  ,1  say  — " 

"What?  ? 

"  Start  or.  Macnooder." 

"Why  Macnooder?" 

"  You  see,  Doc's  got  more  sense  of  humor  than 
the  rest." 

Skinner,  longing  for  company,  suggested  Con- 
over's  and  pancakes.  The  Tennessee  Shad  re 
fused.  On  the  return  Skinner  pleaded  again  the 
attractions  of  the  Jigger  Shop.  The  Tennessee 
Shad  refused  again  but  it  was  an  awful  wrench. 
They  parted,  Skinner  made  gorgeously  happy  by 
an  invitation  to  visit  the  treasure  rooms  of  the 
Tennessee  Shad  who  dove  around  a  corner  to 
give  liberty  to  his  true  feelings. 

When  the  Dickinson  scouts  reported  for  the 
fifth  successive  time  that  the  Uncooked  Beef 
steak,  property  and  perquisite  of  the  House,  had 
met  the  Tennessee  Shad  and  led  him  from  one 
gormandizing  result  to  another,  paying  all  bills, 
—  great  was  the  indignation  thereof. 

"  Look  here,  boy,"  said  Turkey  Eeiter  to  Doc 
[144] 


A  SLIGHT  DISPUTE  IN  THE  FIRM 

Macnooder  at  the  hastily  summoned  council  of 
war,  "  what  are  we  going  to  do  about  it?  Sup- 
posin'  we  let  up  a  bit?  The  Beefsteak  isn't  so 
worse,  after  all." 

"  There's  no  use  in  letting  the  Tennessee  Shad 
get  away  with  the  goods,"  said  the  Triumphant 
Egghead,  who  also  felt  defrauded  by  Skinner's 
constant  excursions  with  a  member  of  a  foreign 
state. 

Now  Macnooder  had  been  the  chief  victim  of 
the  Tennessee  Shad's  artful  advice  to  Skinner, 
but  he  had  no  intention  of  publishing  the  fact. 
Equally  he  was  resolved  not  to  allow  the  Ten 
nessee  Shad  to  force  him  to  a  change  of  policy. 

"  The  trouble  with  you  cheap  sports  is  your 
accounts  are  busted,  and  you  want  to  be  fed/'  he 
remarked  witheringly. 

"Well  what  of  it?"  said  the  Egghead  braz 
enly. 

"  Don't  you  see  it's  all  the  Tennessee  Shad's 
doings?  He's  put  it  into  the  Beefsteak's  head 
that  he  can  starve  us  out." 

"  Of  course  he  has  got  to  be  kept  in  subjec 
tion,"  said  Turkey  Reiter,  "  but  couldn't  we  re 
lent  a  little?" 

[145] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  Never !  "  said  Vulture  Watkins.  "  The  trou 
ble  with  that  New  York  dude  is  the  moment  you 
treat  him  decent,  he  gets  unbearable." 

"  He  certainly  has  been  fresh  enough  lately !  " 

"  Still/'  said  Turkey  Reiter,  "  I  don't  see  why 
we  couldn't  relent  a  little." 

"  Why  should  our  import  trade  be  deflected/' 
added  the  Triumphant  Egghead.  "  Skinner  be 
longs  to  us,  doesn't  he?  Well,  then,  what  right 
has  he  to  fatten  up  the  Tennessee  Shad?  " 

"  In  the  first  place,"  said  Macnooder,  raising 
his  voice  to  quell  the  mutiny,  "  the  Tennessee 
Shad  won't  fatten.  In  the  second  place,  just  sit 
back  and  wait.  When  the  Beefsteak  really  gets 
to  know  the  Tennessee  Shad  he'll  come  limping 
straight  back  to  us.  In  the  third  place,  I  will 
have  a  few  fat  little  words  with  the  Tennessee 
Shad  and  tell  him  what  we  think  of  him." 

In  pursuance  of  which,  choosing  his  time,  Mac 
nooder  crossed  the  path  of  the  Tennessee  Shad 
at  the  moment  when  his  late  partner,  having  left 
Skinner,  was  returning  languidly  home,  well  fed 
and  rejoicing. 

"  Hello,"  said  Macnooder,  assuming  a  critical 
position. 

[146] 


A  SLIGHT  DISPUTE  IN  THE  FIRM 

"  Why,  it's  Macnooder  isn't  it?  "  said  the  Shad 
blandly.  "  Have  you  come  to  divvy  up  on  that 
little  graft  of  yours?  " 

"  I've  come,"  said  Macnooder  wrathfully,  "  to 
tell  you  just  what  we  think  of  you,  you  low- 
down,  body-snatching  nursery  maid !  " 

"  What  strong  words !  " 

"  See  here !  What  right  have  you  got  to  in 
terfere  with  the  business  of  the  Dickinson?" 

"I,  interfere?  Gracious  goodness!  Do  you 
mean  little  Montague?" 

"  I  do.  What  right  have  you  got  to  come 
poaching  over  on  our  grounds?  " 

"  Are  you  vexed  because  Beefsteak  buys  me  hot 
dogs  and  jiggers  and  turkish  paste  and  eclairs 
and  root  beer  and  pancakes? "  said  the  Shad 
smiling,  "  and  lots  and  lots  of  other  juicy 
things?" 

"  Look  here,  the  Beefsteak  is  fresh  as  paint. 
It's  up  to  us  to  educate  him  and  it's  up  to  you  to 
keep  off!" 

"Why,  hasn't  he  improved?"  said  the  Shad 
looking  at  Macnooder  with  a  malicious  eye. 
"  Doesn't  he  attend  to  your  boots  as  a  real  valet 
should?" 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  Will  you  let  Mm  alone?  " 

"  Why  don't  you  be  kind  and  gentle  with  him? 
If  you're  hungry  ask  him  po-litely !  " 

"  Shad,  if  you  weighed  a  hundred  pounds  I'd 
whang  the  life  out  of  you !  " 

"  Thank  you,  I  weigh  just  ninety-eight  and  a 
half." 

"If  you  weighed  a  hundred,  I'd  kick  the  slats 
out  of  you !  " 

"  Don't  boast,"  said  the  Shad  softly.  "  If  I 
weighed  a  hundred,  you'd  settle  up  with  me." 

"  Then  you  won't  keep  off?  " 

"Alas!" 

"Lookout!" 

"Threats?" 

"We'll  get  you  yet!" 

"  Try." 

"  Anyhow,  you  bunco  steerer,  I'll  bet  you  can't 
keep  him  a  week !  " 

"Why,  Doc,"  said  the  Shad  brightening, 
"  that  is  the  first  real  word  of  sense  you've 
spoken.  But  do  remember  that  I'm  doing  it  all 
because  I  am  so  very  fond  of  Montague,  and  not 
because  I'm  trying  to  even  up  matters  with  you. 
Oh,  dear  no!  Ta!  Ta!" 

[148] 


A  SLIGHT  DISPUTE  IN  THE  FIRM 

"  Just  the  same,''  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  to 
himself  as  he  left  the  infuriated  Macnooder. 
"  There's  a  good  deal  in  what  Doc  says.  I  won 
der  how  long  I  can  keep  my  hands  out  — 
really  out  of  that  stuffed  bank  from  New 
York." 

Three  days  later,  Dennis  de  Brian  de  Boru 
Finnegan  gamboling  in,  found  the  Tennessee 
Shad  on  the  window  seat  in  the  reflective  atti 
tude  of  Sherlock  Holmes,  the  character  he  most 
admired,  mumbling  to  himself.  Finnegan,  lis 
tening,  heard  strange  muffled  words. 

"  Why  not  end  it  all  —  sooner  or  later? 
What's  the  dif  ?  " 

"End  what?"  said  Finnegan,  mystified. 
"  What's  wrong?  " 

"  It's  the  Beefsteak,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad 
perceiving  him.  "  Irishman,  did  you  ever  try  to 
resist  temptation?" 

Finnegan  sat  down  and  tried  to  remember. 

"  I'm  resisting  —  but  oh,  it  hurts !  "  said  the 
Shad. 

"  The  Beefsteak  is  some  fresh  vegetables,  isn't 
lie?  "  said  Finnegan  understanding. 

"  It  isn't  that,"  said  the  Shad,  "  though  that  is 
[149] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
bad  enough.     It's  the  thought  of  all  the  green 
goods  he  is  just  itching  to  buy." 

"Why  don't  you?" 

"  But  then  he'll  go  back  to  the  Dickinson." 

"Well,  why  do  you?" 

"  But  if  I  don't,  then  Macnooder  will." 

Finnegan  ceased  to  offer  suggestions. 

"  It's  wrong,"  he  said. 

"  Of  course." 

"  You're  interfering  in  his  kindergarten  edu 
cation." 

"  I  know." 

"And  the  Beefsteak  has  just  got  to  be  edu 
cated  out  of  those  sporting  ideas  of  his." 

"  Don't  I  have  to  listen  to  them?  " 

"  My  advice,"  said  Dennis  who  was  all  for  dis 
cipline,  having  signally  evaded  it,  "  is  to  wrap 
up  one  beautiful  gold  brick,  an  eighteen  karat 
smasher,  coupon  buster,  soak  it  to  him  and  quit 
the  game." 

"  I  am  such  a  creature  of  habit,"  said  the  Ten 
nessee  Shad,  thinking  of  the  pleasant,  refresh 
ing  trips  to  the  village. 

At  this  moment  from  below  came  a  timid 
hallo. 

[150] 


A  SLIGHT  DISPUTE  IN  THE  FIRM 

"  Oh,  Tennessee  Shad !  " 

Finnegan,  hanging  over  the  window  sill,  per 
ceived  below  the  irresolute  figure  of  the  Un 
cooked  Beefsteak  and  summoned  him  up.  Now 
Skinner  had  never  yet  gathered  his  courage  to 
the  point  of  a  visit  to  the  distinguished  room. 
As  it  was,  he  shifted  a  long  moment  from  foot 
to  foot  before  daring  to  enter. 

"  Look  at  the  Dickinson,"  said  the  Tennessee 
Shad  gleefully.  "  Why,  the  whole  house  is 
boiling  up." 

Opposite,  every  window  seemed  tenanted  with 
indignant  spectators. 

"  Now  is  your  time,"  said  Finnegan  hurriedly. 
"  Sell  him  the  whole  blooming  shooting  match." 

"  No." 

"Yes!" 

"  I  mustn't." 

"  You  must." 

The  door  opened  gently  and  Skinner,  visibly 
overcome,  stole  in  on  his  tiptoes  and  bumped 
down  into  the  nearest  chair.  As  Finnegan  had 
calculated,  no  sooner  had  this  first  temperamen 
tal  weakness  passed  than  Skinner's  gaze  clear 
ing,  fastened  in  wonder  upon  the  strange  collec- 

[151] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
tion  of  real  and  bogus  trophies  which  literally 
choked  the  walls  from  floor  to  ceiling.  Each 
article  recalled  a  chapter  in  the  mercantile  prog 
ress  of  the  Tennessee  Shad  and  Dink  Stover, 
and  some  were  reminders  of  youthful  gullibility. 
Notably  was  this  the  case  in  a  souvenir  toilet 
set  of  seven  colors  which  Stover  in  his  salad 
days  had  brought  from  Macnooder  with  the  joy 
of  a  Pittsburg  millionaire  stumbling  on  an  orig 
inal  Rembrandt.  With  his  rise  to  fame,  Stover, 
turning  philosopher,  had  refused  to  part  with  this 
reminder  of  past  enthusiasm,  keeping  it  promi 
nently  displayed  as  a  sort  of  anchor  to  common 
sense  wrhen  too  great  a  satisfaction  with  self 
should  tend  to  raise  his  feet  from  the  ground. 

No  sooner  did  the  Beefsteak  perceive  this  va 
riegated  assortment  of  odd  china  than  he  sat 
erect  and  asked. 

"Gee,  what's  that?" 

Dennis,  with  a  triumphant  glance  at  the  Ten 
nessee  Shad,  assumed  an  auctioneering  attitude 
and  rapturously  detailed  the  many  imaginary 
points  of  interest  that  could  lend  value  to  such  a 
collection. 

Propped  up  on  the  window-seat,  the  Tennessee 
[152] 


A  SLIGHT  DISPUTE  IN  THE  FIEM 

Shad  watched  through  half  closed  eyes  the  re 
sponsive  eager  flush  on  Skinner's  face. 

"  He  would  buy  it,  he  would,  he  certainly 
would,'7  he  said  to  himself,  mastering  his  emo 
tions  with  difficulty.  "  Think  of  selling  it  back, 
right  under  the  nose  of  Old  Macnooder!  " 

At  this  moment,  as  though,  to  add  to  his  trials, 
Skinner  having  listened  enraptured  to  Finne- 
gan's  recital,  exclaimed: 

"  You  don't  say  so !  By  jingo,  wouldn't  I  like 
to  have  that,  though ! " 

Finnegan  yawned,  as  is  customary  when  a 
strong  emotion  is  to  be  concealed,  and  said  in  a 
sort  of  haphazard  way: 

"  Why,  you  can  always  fling  out  a  nice  juicy 
young  bid.  You  never  can  tell.  Perhaps  Stover's 
hard  up." 

"  Really?  "  said  the  Uncooked  Beefsteak,  turn 
ing  to  the  joint  proprietor. 

The  Tennessee  Shad  swallowed  hard,  glanced 
out  the  window  to  resist  temptation,  and  said 
almost  angrily, 

"  Not  for  sale." 

"  Perhaps  Skinner  here  would  like  a  chance  at 
the  football  shoes,"  said  Finnegan  who  at  first 

[153] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
believed  the  Shad  was  simply  working  up  the 
scene  for  a  slaughter  en  masse. 

"What's  that?"  said  the  Beefsteak  at  once. 

"  The  identical,  historic,  specially  preserved 
shoes,  that  Flash  Condit  wore  when  he  scored  on 
the  Princeton  Varsity,"  said  Finnegan,  who  dis 
appeared  in  quest. 

Of  course  Skinner  listened,  admired  and 
wanted  to  buy.  The  Tennessee  Shad  again  re 
fused,  but  with  difficulty  and  in  a  weaker  voice. 
Finnegan  scratched  his  head,  sorely  vexed,  and 
led  the  Beefsteak  up  to  the  consideration  of  sev 
eral  articles  of  fabulous  history,  including  a 
watch  charm  supposed  (but  not  guaranteed)  to 
be  made  of  that  clapper  whose  theft  had  once 
thrown  the  school  into  such  a  turmoil.  The  Un 
cooked  Beefsteak  admired  everything  without  re 
serve,  coveted  everything,  and  showed  extreme 
willingness  to  pay  spot  cash. 

The  Tennessee  Shad,  had  he  been  tied  to  a 
stake  to  the  accompaniment  of  twenty  howling 
savages,  could  have  suffered  no  more.  Finally 
almost  overcome,  he  rose  and  hastened  from  the 
room.  Finnegan,  quite  amazed,  followed  and 
last  of  all,  Skinner  with  the  reluctant  step  of  the 

[154] 


A  SLIGHT  DISPUTE  IN  THE  FIRM 

disappointed  collector.  Half  way  down  the 
second  flight  of  stairs  the  Tennessee  Shad  could 
go  no  further.  He  turned,  leaning  against  the 
banisters,  facing  the  Uncooked  Beefsteak. 

"  Say,  you  don't  really  want  to  buy?  "  he  said 
faintly,  hoping  against  hope  that  Skinner  would 
return  a  contrary  answer. 

"  You  bet  I  do!" 

"Cash?"  continued  the  Tennessee  Shad  still 
hoping.  "  It's  got  to  be  cash  down." 

Skinner,  back  in  a  familiar  way,  flashed  a 
bundle  of  bills  and  said : 

"  Why  boy,  just  look  these  over." 

"  Go  back !  "  said  the  Tennessee  Shad. 

He  watched  Skinner  spring  up  the  stairs,  the 
roll  of  bills  carried  insolently  in  his  hand. 

"  Well,  it's  sending  him  back  to  Macnooder," 
he  thought  wistfully,  "  making  him  a  present, 
but  I  can't  resist  my  nature !  " 

Dennis  de  Brian  de  Boru  Finnegan,  who,  of 
course,  could  suspect  only  a  little  of  the  inner 
conflict,  pressed  his  hand  covertly  in  admiration 
of  what  he  at  once  considered  the  highest  mer 
cantile  strategy. 

When,  half  an  hour  later,  the  Tennessee  Shad 
[155] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
and  the  ebullient  Skinner  again  descended  the 
stairs  to  seal  the  compact  in  the  usual  way  ( Fin- 
negan  being  detained  by  the  annoyance  of  a 
recitation)  the  Tennessee  Shad  felt  not  the 
slightest  elation.  He  glanced  gloomingly  at 
Skinner's  immaculate  creases  going  before  him 
on  the  narrow  walk  and  a  feeling  of  remorse 
came  over  him,  the  flat  heavy  tasteless  feeling 
that  succeeds  the  plunge  into  temptation. 

"  It's  the  last  time/7  he  thought,  glancing  back 
at  the  Dickinson  where  several  wolfish  eyes  still 
watched  his  progress.  "  It's  the  last  time  that 
walking  safe  deposit  will  ever  open  for  me. 
Well,  there's  only  one  thing  to  be  done.  If  it  is 
the  last,  I'll  eat  till  I  bust !  " 

With  this  colossal  heroism  in  mind  he  said 
to  prepare  the  Beefsteak  for  the  hecatombs  that 
were  to  come. 

"  Skinner,  Old  Sporting  Tootlets,  I  feel  rather 
hungry."' 

"  My  boy,"  said  the  exultant  purchaser,  "  go 
as  far  as  you  like." 

The  tone  was  the  tone  that  answered  obse 
quious  head  waiters  in  expensive  metropolitan 
restaurants.  The  patronage  decided  the  Tennes- 

[156] 


A  SLIGHT  DISPUTE  IN  THE  FIRM 

see  Shad.  The  Beefsteak  was  really  impossible 
when  you  treated  him  like  a  human  being.  He 
would  show  him  no  mercy. 

"  Well,  Old  Gazello,"  said  the  Uncooked  Beef 
steak,  in  imitation  of  Turkey  Eeiter,  "  pick  out 
anything  you  want.  You  can't  scare  me,  I've 
got  the  wad !  " 

He  clapped  him  on  the  shoulder  as  a  patron 
of  gladiators  might.  The  Tennessee  Shad 
winced  as  from  a  blow  and  the  last  grumbling 
of  his  thin  conscience  died  away. 

"  Shad,  old  boy ! "  said  Skinner,  throwing 
back  his  coat  and  allowing  the  tips  of  his  pink 
fingers  to  slide  along  the  blazing  vest  into  the 
pockets.  "  You  don't  know  what  a  real  gorge 
is.  I  can't  stand  with  you  on  this  food  here. 
It  really  is  dyspeptic,  you  know.  But  say,  wait 
till  Thanksgiving,  come  up  to  the  hotel  with  me 
and  I'll  show  you  what  a  real  blow-out  is.  I'll 
put  you  up  against  some  real  sports,  I  will." 

The  Tennessee  Shad  swallowed  his  wrath, 
glancing  about  to  make  sure  no  one  was  within 
hearing  distance. 

"  My  boy,"  continued  Skinner,  forgetting  him 
self,  "  you  young  ones  here  don't  know  me !  " 

[157] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"We  don't,  eh?" 

"  Not  a  bit.  Why,  when  I  come  in,  every 
head  waiter  in  New  York  conies  up  on  the  jump. 
They  have  named  a  couple  of  dishes  after  me." 

"  You  don't  say  so !  " 

"  Fact." 

"  You're  a  little  tin  wonder,  aren't  you !  "  said 
the  Tennessee  Shad,  beginning  to  be  angry. 

The  constant  opening  of  the  pocketbook  had 
stripped  Skinner  of  the  last  semblance  of  awe 
toward  the  Tennessee  Shad.  He  laughed  a 
short,  disagreeable  laugh. 

"A  wonder?  I'm  a  real  sport  —  no  ten-cent 
article  like  you  put  up  with  around  here  —  the 
real  dead  game  variety !  " 

This  last  indiscretion  was  too  much  for  the 
Tennessee  Shad.  He  left  abruptly  and  dashing 
across  the  street,  plunged  through  the  doors  of 
the  Jigger  Shop,  straight  into  the  arms  of  Mr. 
Lucius  Cassius  Hopkins,  the  Old  Roman  him 
self.  For  a  second,  face  to  face  with  that  su 
preme  flunker  of  boys,  all  thought  deserted  him. 
Then,  assuming  a  look  of  combined  grief  and 
terror,  he  cried: 

"A  roll  of  court  plaster  and  a  bandage  Al, 
[158] 


A  SLIGHT  DISPUTE  IN  THE  FIRM 
quick's    you    can!     Fellow    at    house    cut    his 
foot!" 

But  at  this  moment  the  Uncooked  Beefsteak 
all  unprepared,  flopped  in,  crying  hilariously : 

"  Lord,  Al,  open  up  a  whole  can !  " 

Then  he  saw  the  Roman. 

"A  can  of  —  court  plaster?  Yes?"  said  the 
Roman  with  a  little  joyful  burbling  sound. 
"  Well,  speak  up." 

"No,  sir." 

"  Not  court  plaster?  " 

"  No,  sir," 

"  Just  the  ordinary  destructive,  daily  poison 
—  well?" 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  slowly. 

"  So." 

The  Roman  paused  and,  shooting  up  an  eye 
brow,  fixed  them  with  his  long  glance  as  though 
to  petrify  them  first  and  punish  them  after. 
Montague  Skinner  was  chilled  to  the  bone,  a 
sensation  further  enhanced  by  perceiving  from 
his  angle  of  observation,  a  more  fortunate  pair 
of  legs,  en  cachette,  behind  the  counter. 

Now  the  Roman  ruled  not  simply  by  the  weight 
of  an  iron  hand,  but  by  the  terrors  of  an  imagi- 
[159] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

nation  endowed  with  humor  and  satire.  And 
so,  remembering  that  it  was  the  Tennessee  Shad 
who  waited  before  him,  he  decided  to  fit  the 
punishment  to  the  criminal. 

"  No  excuse  —  no  further  excuse  —  none  at 
all?  Imagination  numbed  —  not  working  to 
day?  Too  bad.  Ten  times  around  the  Circle. 
Do  it  now." 

The  Tennessee  Shad  was  thunderstruck.  He 
went  out  in  high  indignation.  Of  course  the 
Roman  had  done  it  on  purpose.  There  were  a 
dozen  punishments  he  might  have  selected  — 
sent  him  to  Penal  for  an  afternoon! — but  to 
choose  this,  knowing  his  aversion  to  muscular 
strains !  It  was  an  outrage. 

"  Why,  ten  times  around  the  Circle  is  over  two 
miles,"  he  said  furiously  as  they  tramped  away. 
"  I've  never  walked  that  in  my  life.  The  old 
rhinoceros,  he  did  it  on  purpose!  It's  un 
fair.  It's  discrimination  —  persecution  —  tyr 
anny.  I've  a  mind  to  go  right  up  to  the  Doc 
tor." 

"  The  Old  Koman's  down  on  you,"  said  Skin- 
ner,  who  had  learned  a  number  of  the  routine 
formulas. 

[160] 


A  SLIGHT  DISPUTE  IN  THE  FIRM 

"  Course  he  is,  always  lias  been.  Nice  mess 
you've  got  me  in." 

"  How  was  I  to  know?  "  said  Skinner. 

The  Tennessee  Shad  relapsed  into  gloomy  med 
itation.  What  he  did  not  voice  aloud  was  that 
the  real  humiliation  threatened  was  the  spectacle 
of  himself,  yoked  to  the  Beefsteak,  parading  be 
fore  the  hilarious  audience  of  the  school.  Of 
course,  Macnooder,  of  all  persons,  and  the  Dick 
inson  cohorts,  with  the  memory  of  defrauded 
threats,  would  come  piling  out  to  hoot  him  — 
caught  in  his  own  trap,  publicly  exposed  as  the 
boon  companion,  the  bosom  friend  of  the  stolen 
Beefsteak. 

The  moment  was  critical,  one  of  those  public 
trials  that  changes  in  a  twinkling  a  reputation 
and  fastens  a  label  of  ridicule  to  a  career  of 
honor.  What  is  more,  the  Tennessee  Shad  knew 
the  peril. 

In  this  state  of  immense  mental  perturbation 
and  excited  brain  effort,  the  Tennessee  Shad, 
heeled  by  the  contrite  Skinner,  arrived  at  the 
edge  of  that  vast  area  known  as  the  Circle  and 
gazed  in  horror,  as  the  adventurous  sailors  of 
Columbus  gazed  at  the  limitless  waters. 

[161] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

But  fortune  favored  him.  Directly  in  front 
stood  a  wheelbarrow  waiting  the  reappearance 
of  the  gardener.  His  gaze  left  the  stretches  of 
the  Circle  and  paused  at  the  thing  on  wheels  at 
his  side.  A  moment  later  he  said  breathless- 

iy: 

"Beefsteak!" 

"What?" 

"  Do  you  remember  what  the  Roman  told  us?  " 

"  Sure,  ten  times  around  the  Circle.*' 

"  But  the  exact  words?  " 

"  That's  it,  ten  times  around  the  Circle." 

"  He  didn't  say  walk  ten  times?  " 

"  Why,  no." 

"  Ah !  "  The  Tennessee  Shad  drew  a  long, 
comforted  breath.  He  was  saved.  Then,  care 
fully  considering  the  inexperienced  Skinner,  he 
said  carelessly  putting  one  foot  on  the  wheel 
barrow, 

"  Gee,  if  I  could  turn  the  laugh  on  the  Old 
Roman!  If  I  could  get  the  best  of  him  some 
way!  They  could  fire  me,  I  wouldn't  care." 

Skinner's  glance  in  turn  fell  on  the  wheel 
barrow. 

"Eureka!" 

[162] 


A  SLIGHT  DISPUTE  IN  THE  FIRM 

"  What  is  it?  "  said  the  Shad,  wondering  if  lie 
had  taken  the  bait. 

"  I  say !  I  have  a  wonderful  idea.  The  wheel 
barrow  ! " 

"What  about  it?" 

"  We  take  turns,  one  gets  in  the  wheelbarrow 
and  the  other  wheels  him  around." 

"  Skinner,  you're  a  genius,"  said  the  Tennes 
see  Shad  with  great  effusion.  "  It's  the  greatest 
joke  ever  heard.  It'll  kill  the  Roman.  He'll 
explode.  You're  a  hero,  my  boy.  The  whole 
school  will  cheer  you  on.  How  did  you  think 
of  it?" 

"Who'll  start?" 

"  I  will,"  said  the  Shad,  hastily  slipping  into 
the  wheelbarrow.  "  I  weigh  hardly  anything, 
let  her  go." 

Now  the  legs  secreted  behind  the  counter  at 
the  Jigger  Shop  belonged  to  Hungry  Smead, 
who  as  soon  as  the  Roman  departed,  had  gone 
scampering  gleefully  back  to  the  Dickinson  with 
the  joyful  tale  of  the  Tennessee  Shad's  having 
been  caught  with  the  Uncooked  Beefsteak.  In 
one  minute  the  entire  house  came  rushing  out 
to  behold  the  humiliation  of  the  crafty  usurper 

[163] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
of  their  own  property.  What  they  beheld  in 
stead  was  the  lank  limbs  of  the  Tennessee  Shad 
stuffed  into  the  wheelbarrow  that  Skinner  was 
trundling  with  an  air  of  strained  but  supreme 
content. 

"  Well,  I'll  be  jig-swiggered,"  said  Macnooder 
ruefully. 

"  Can  you  beat  him?  " 

"  The  Shad  certainly  is  a  wonder." 

"  How  the  deuce  do  you  suppose  he  got  him 
to  do  it?" 

"  Why,  he's  got  the  Beefsteak  so  hypnotized 
that  he's  grinning  all  over." 

"  He  certainly  is !  " 

"  Boys,  we  can't  help  it,  we'll  have  to  give  the 
Shad  a  cheer,"  said  Macnooder  overcome  with 
admiration  and  soaring  for  once  above  the 
earthly  line  of  dollars  and  cents  in  his  enthusi 
asm  for  the  artist,  he  said  to  himself,  "  I  cer 
tainly  must  compromise,  the  firm  has  got  to  go 
on!" 

"  We  certainly  will." 

The  cheer  that  went  rollicking  over  the  cam 
pus,  waking  up  the  inmates  of  the  Houses,  en 
couraged  Skinner  wonderfully.  He  took  it  as  a 

[164] 


A  SLIGHT  DISPUTE  IN  THE  FIRM 

personal  tribute.  Startled  by  the  unexpected 
clamor,  the  school  came  rushing  to  the  windows, 
beheld  the  extraordinary  voyage  of  the  Tennessee 
Shad  and  sure  of  a  sensation,  came  swarming 
out. 

"  Take  it  easy,  Montague,  old  chap,"  said  the 
Tennessee  Shad.  "  Best  every  half  time  around. 
Besides,  we  want  the  whole  bunch  to  get  on  to 
us." 

"  Say,  it's  about  your  turn,"  said  Skinner, 
happy  but  very  hot. 

"  Never,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  firmly. 
"  You're  safe ;  you  run  no  risks.  But  it's  ten 
to  one  they  fire  me." 

"  I'll  take  the  risk,"  said  Skinner. 

"  No,  you  won't,"  said  the  Shad  tragically. 
"  Besides,  it's  a  wonderful  sell  on  the  Koman,  if 
I  never  touch  foot  to  the  ground.  Oh,  wonder 
ful  !  " 

"  Still,"  said  the  Beefsteak  doubtfully. 

"  My  boy,  the  glory  is  all  yours.  You  had 
the  idea,  you  get  all  the  credit,"  said  the  Shad, 
manfully  resisting  the  temptation.  "  Hear  that 
cheer?  Look  at  the  mob  running  over  from  the 
Upper  —  with  cameras*  too.  It's  the  finest  thing 

C'165] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
ever  happened.     Twice  around  now,  that's  a  fifth 
the  distance  already.     Keep  agoing." 

By  this  time  the  Circle  was  lined  with  rol 
licking,  roaring  boys,  vying  with  one  another 
who  should  cheer  the  loudest  for  the  Tennessee 
Shad. 

"  Don't  cheer  me  fellows,  cheer  the  Beefsteak," 
cried  the  Shad,  giving  the  high  sign.  "  It's  his 
idea,  he  thought  it  up.  Cheer  for  the  Un 
cooked  Beefsteak." 

And  the  school,  gazing  on  the  perfectly  satis 
fied  countenance  of  Skinner,  understood  the  part 
it  had  to  play.  Immense  cheers  for  the  unsus 
pecting  dupe  rolled  forth,  jumping  from  group 
to  group  that  before  respective  houses  crowded 
down  to  the  edge  of  the  roadway. 

The  Uncooked  Beefsteak,  with  every  muscle 
strained,  saw  only  the  triumph  in  front,  knowing 
nothing  of  the  hilarious  groups  behind  his  back, 
that  locked  arms  and  danced  with  joy. 

"Isn't  he  wonderful?" 

"  Look  at  the  Shad's  face !  " 

"  How  does  he  look  so  solemn !  " 

"And  the  Beefsteak  thinks  he  is  it!" 

"Oh,  joy!" 

[166] 


A  SLIGHT  DISPUTE  IN  THE  FIRM 

"  Oh,  rapture !  " 

"  Cheese  it.     Here  he  comes  again." 

"  Three  cheers,  fellows,  for  Beefsteak  I  " 

The  rolling  accompaniment  of  cheers  spurred 
Skinner  on  to  supreme  efforts.  He  was  abso 
lutely,  airily  happy.  He  beamed  on  the  pro 
cession  of  excited  faces  that  shouted  forth  their 
encouragement  and  at  times  was  so  convulsed 
with  his  own  humor  that  he  was  forced  to  stop 
to  let  the  gale  of  merriment  spend  itself. 

He  waited  no  longer  than  was  necessary  to 
rest  the  ache  in  his  armpits,  and  then  was  off  on 
the  glorious  journey.  At  the  completion  of  the 
sixth  round,  the  Tennessee  Shad  insisted  that 
he  should  be  massaged  and  a  dozen  hands 
fought  for  the  honor;  another  crowd  with  flap 
ping  handkerchiefs  fanned  air  on  his  boiled  com 
plexion,  while  from  all  sides  he  heard  the 
plaudits. 

"  Beefsteak,  you're  it ! » 

"  The  grandest  scheme  — " 

"How  did  you  think  of  it?" 

"Keep  it  up." 

"  It's  a  record  breaker." 

"  You're  strong  as  an  ox.5* 
[167] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"All  ready  ?"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  with 
maternal  solicitude.  "  Here,  wrap  those  han 
dles  with  handkerchiefs,  some  of  you  loafers. 
Clear  the  way  there,  for  Beefsteak !  " 

Intoxicated  with  the  strong  intoxication  of 
the  multitude,  the  seventh  round  was  com 
pleted  before  he  knew  it.  Then  the  roadway 
seemed  suddenly  to  harden  and  strike  his  feet 
with  the  impact  of  every  step.  The  Tennessee 
Shad  began  to  grow  to  the  proportions  of  P. 
Lentz  and  the  circle  to  widen  like  the  journeying 
ripples  from  a  dropped  stone.  Four  times  he 
set  down  the  awful  burden  and  gasped  for 
breath  before  the  welcoming  shouts  went  up. 

"Eight  rounds !" 

"  Only  two  more." 

"  Bully  for  the  Beefsteak !  " 

"  Strong  as  a  blacksmith." 

"More  massage." 

"  Hub  down  the  Beefsteak." 

He  began  the  ninth  round;  the  chorus  of 
shrieks  and  cheers  was  one  steady  howl  in  his 
ears,  handkerchiefs  and  caps  fluttered  over  his 
head,  while  dimly  he  heard  new  shouts, 

"  Go  it  there,  you  Beefsteak !  " 
[168] 


A  SLIGHT  DISPUTE  IN  THE  FIRM 

"  Show  your  speed." 

«  Hit  up  that  pace." 

"  Make  a  record !  " 

Then  he  saw  nothing  but  the  interminable 
white  space  over  the  peaked  head  of  the  Ten 
nessee  Shad.  Every  fifty  feet  he  set  the  wheel 
barrow  down  to  rest,  doggedly  resolved  not  to 
fail.  Then  the  tenth  round,  the  final  triumph 
began.  Ready  to  drop,  paying  for  every  yard 
gained  by  a  hundred  shooting  pains,  stopping, 
jerking  along  blindly,  unheeding,  he  came  at 
last  to  the  supreme  quarter  and  wheeled  the  Ten 
nessee  Shad  straight  to  the  entrance  of  the  Ken 
nedy  House,  set  down  the  wheelbarrow  and 
turned  gloriously  to  view  the  triumph. 

Suddenly  he  heard  a  shout  wilder  than  all 
the  rest  and  looking  at  the  terrace  of  the  Ken 
nedy,  beheld  a  sight  that  swept  away  the  clouds 
of  his  illusion  like  a  clap  of  wind.  On  the  top 
step  stood  the  Old  Roman,  a  handkerchief  at 
his  eyes,  doubling  over  with  laughter,  shaking 
hands,  actually  shaking  hands,  with  the  Tennes 
see  Shad. 


[169] 


CHAPTER  VII 

FACTS  LEADING   TO   A   RECONCILIATION 

After  the  Beefsteak's  brief  but  disillusioning 
visit  with  the  Tennessee  Shad,  Macnooder  ob 
served  with  satisfaction  that  while  he  had  suf 
fered  —  he  had  not  improved. 

Just  what  was  the  matter  with  the  Uncooked 
Beefsteak  was  still  a  puzzle  to  the  Dickinson 
House.  It  was  quite  evident  that  so  long  as  he 
was  oppressed  and  forced  to  the  menial  exer 
cises  of  boot-blacking  and  clothes-pressing,  he 
was  moderately  inoffensive.  It  was  equally 
evident  that  the  moment  the  ban  was  lifted  in 
the  slightest  and  he  was  restored  to  human  in 
tercourse,  he  became  absolutely  unbearable.  But 
the  reason  thereof  was  not  to  be  found. 

"  What  the  dickens  is  the  matter  with  him 
anyhow,"  said  Turkey  Reiter.  "  We  have  cer 
tainly  given  him  enough  exercise." 

"  Ah,  he'll  never  learn,"  said  the  Egghead, 
who  always  took  a  gloomy  view. 

[170] 


LEADING  TO  A  RECONCILIATION 

"  He's  all  right  when  he  is  cleaning  out  the 
room,"  said  Hungry  Smeed,  who  had  never  en 
joyed  the  luxury  of  a  valet. 

"  We  certainly  treat  him  like  a  dog." 

"We  certainly  do!" 

"It's  a  crime!" 

"Well,  what  are  you  going  to  do  about  it?" 

"  You'd  think  he  would  learn  a  thing  or 
two." 

"  Well,  at  any  rate,"  said  Macnooder,  "  he's 
stayed  on  the  reservation  lately.  No  wander 
ing  from  the  fireside,  and  all  that  sort  of  thing. 
I'll  bet  the  Tennessee  Shad's  tongue  is  hanging 
out  every  time  the  Beefsteak  goes  over  to  the 
village." 

Macnooder  spoke  vindictively,  harboring  vin 
dictive  impulses  towards  the  Tennessee  Shad 
ever  since  the  return  of  the  souvenir  toilet  set 
to  the  Dickinson.  Likewise  the  Uncooked  Beef 
steak,  innocently  acting  on  the  artful  suggestion 
of  the  Tennessee  Shad,  had  returned  to  Macnoo 
der,  in  the  joyful  belief  of  restoring  a  sacrificed 
heirloom,  the  football  shoes  which  Flash  Con- 
dit  did  not  wear  when  he  crossed  the  Princeton 
goal  line.  As  the  restoration  was  made  in  pri- 

[171] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

rate,  Doc  Macnooder  accepted  it  with  admirable 
gravity  and  saved  thereby  a  public  advertise 
ment.  But  the  blow  told. 

It  would  not  do,  however,  any  longer  to  risk 
open  warfare  with  the  Tennessee  Shad,  backed 
by  the  busy  imaginations  of  Dink  Stover  and 
Dennis  de  Brian  de  Boru  Finnegan.  Another 
would  have  sought  revenge.  Not  so  Macnooder. 
His  instinct  was  always  financial.  If  he  could 
not  destroy,  he  would  combine.  With  this  idea 
in  mind  he  began,  introspectively  and  outwardly, 
to  seek  for  some  scheme  worthy  to  offer  to 
the  Tennessee  Shad  as  basis  for  a  new  treaty. 
After  a  season  of  wandering  dreamily,  straw  in 
mouth,  cap  set  ruminatively  on  the  incline  of 
his  head,  a  fortunate  conjunction  developed  an 
idea  which  almost  resulted  in  a  football  riot  and 
did  produce  a  situation  that  should  be  brought 
to  the  attention  of  the  omniscient  body  of  rules- 
makers  if  only  to  avert  a  lurking  danger  which 
might  turn  a  scholarly  clash  of  gladiatorial  uni 
versities  into  a  shambles. 

Macnooder,  after  a  week  of  fruitless  search 
ing,  was  gazing  hopelessly  out  of  the  window  at 
the  departing  candidates  for  the  House  elevens, 

[172] 


LEADING  TO  A  RECONCILIATION 
when  a  knock  was  heard  and  the  voice  of  the  Un 
cooked  Beefsteak  meekly  sought  admission. 

Now  for  two  days  the  ban  had  been  lifted  on 
the  dispenser  of  Skinner's  wealth,  and  Montague 
had  been  treated  like  a  citizen;  which,  trans 
lated,  means  that  the  features  of  Turkey  Beiter, 
the  Triumphant  Egghead,  Macnooder,  et  cetera, 
had  once  more  returned  to  the  hostile  interiors 
of  the  Jigger  Shop  and  Con  over's. 

"  Come  in,"  said  Macnooder. 

The  Uncooked  Beefsteak  found  his  way 
through  the  litter  of  bottles  and  boxes  and 
joined  Macnooder  on  the  window-seat. 

"Well,  what's  up?"  said  Macnooder  critic 
ally  perceiving  at  once  an  air  of  importance  and 
pride  about  his  visitor. 

"  I  say,  Doc,"  said  Skinner,  heedless  of  the 
cold  and  antagonistic  glance,  "  what  do  you 
say  to  injecting  a  little  sporting  life  into  this 
dead  hole?" 

"  Oh,  you  think  it  is  a  dead  hole,"  said  Mac 
nooder  softly. 

Skinner  stifled  a  yawn  and  ran  two  fingers 
down  the  creases  of  his  trouser  leg. 

"  Come  off,  now.     You  know  it's  dead." 
[173] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  Say,  you  must  have  an  idea." 

"  I  have." 

"Touch  her  off." 

"  What  do  you  say  to  getting  up  a  book  on  the 
bouse  games?  " 

"Gambling,  Rollo?"  said  Macnooder,  turning 
over  the  thought  rapidly. 

"  Oh,  rot !  "  said  Skinner.  "  Don't  josh  me 
now." 

"  I'm  thinking  hard/' 

"  It's  quite  sporty  and  heaps  of  fun." 

"  You've  done  this  before?  " 

"  Sure." 

"  But  don't  you  think  that  was  very  wrong  of 
you,  Montague?  "  said  Macnooder,  who  had  not 
yet  determined  on  a  course  of  action. 

"If  you  are  talking  like  that  — "  said  Beef 
steak  blushing  a  litle,  and  rising. 

"  Sit  down,  sport,"  said  Macnooder  dreamily. 
"  Elucidate  a  little  on  this  here  proposition  of 
yours.  Where  would  you  begin?" 

"  I'd  begin,"  said  Beefsteak  eagerly,  "  with 
the  Kennedy  —  Woodhull  Game  next  week." 

"The  Kennedy?"  said  Macnooder  with  a  lit 
tle  start  of  interest. 

[174] 


LEADING  TO  A  KECONCILIATION 

"  Why  not?  " 

"  But  that's  a  cinch.  No  one  would  bet  on 
that.  Varsity  men  can't  play  this  year,  and  the 
Woodhull  ought  to  win  thirty  to  nothing." 

"  Bet  on  the  score,  then." 

Macnooder  took  a  long  time  before  replying. 
His  gaze  traveled  across  and  up  to  the  eyrie 
of  the  Tennessee  Shad,  and  rested  there  fondly. 

Finally,  smothering  his  enthusiasm,  he  said 
slowly, 

"  Yes,  I  suppose  that  could  be  done." 

"  Same  thing  as  betting  to  win  and  betting  for 
place,"  said  the  Beefsteak  in  a  sort  of  worldly 
way. 

"  But  is  this  a  square  game?  "  said  Macnooder. 

"  Oh,  rather,"  said  the  Beefsteak.  "  Why,  a 
bookmaker  is  the  squarest  thing  a-going.  I 
know  a  dozen  of  them*" 

"  Now,  he's  off  again  on  that  eternal  dead 
game  sporting  idea  of  his,"  said  Macnooder  to 
himself,  mentally  debating  whether  or  not  to 
consign  him  at  once  to  the  blacking  brush.  How 
ever,  he  temporized. 

"Where,  do  I  come  in?" 

"  You  are  an  expert  adviser,"  said  the  Beef- 
[175] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
steak   with  just  a  touch  of  patronage.     "  You 
know  the  crowd  better  than  I  do.     You'd  bet 
ter  work  up  the  bets." 

"Oh,  really!" 

"  And  you  get  a  third  of  the  profits,"  said  the 
Uncooked  Beefsteak  hastily. 

"  You  supply  the  capital  ?  "  said  Macnooder 
warily. 

"  Any  amount !  " 

"  It's  most  debauching !  " 

"  Pooh !  every  gentleman  places  a  little  bet 
now  and  then,"  said  the  Beefsteak  in  his  grand 
est  manner. 

At  this  moment  a  call  resounded  along  the 
hall. 

"  Oh,  you,  Beefsteak,  come  here  and  press  my 
pants!" 

The  gentleman  of  fashion  disappeared  in  a 
twinkling.  Skinner  looked  at  Macnooder  in  a 
mute  appeal. 

"  Better  go,"  said  Macnooder,  thus  relieved 
of  all  responsibility,  "  and  to-morrow  I'll  give 
you  an  answer." 

That  night  by  recognized  routes,  Doc  Macnoo 
der  journeyed  in  safety  over  to  the  Kennedy  and 

[176] 


LEADING  TO  A  RECONCILIATION 
the  lair  of  the  Tennessee  Shad.  The  confer 
ence  was  secret,  complete,  and  satisfactory  to 
all  parties  interested,  and  the  first  result  was 
that  the  next  morning  the  Uncooked  Beefsteak 
was  made  happy  by  Macnooder's  agreeing  to 
act  as  a  sporting  partner  in  what  was  agreed 
should  be  a  deliberate  attempt  to  trim  the  Ten 
nessee  Shad. 

Since  the  national  game  of  football  has  been 
shorn  of  horns  and  hoofs,  a  little  of  the  truth 
may  be  told  of  the  joyful  hecatombs  of  those 
earlier  games  in  the  nineties.  Baseball  on  a 
professional  field  smooth  as  a  billard  cloth,  un 
der  the  protecting  vision  of  clubbed  discouragers 
of  assault  and  battery,  is  one  thing;  the  same 
pastime  on  a  back  lot  amid  boulders  and  broken 
bottles,  with  opposing  gangs  waiting  and  will 
ing  on  the  lines,  is  quite  a  different  risk, — 
rated  according  to  insurance  tables. 

Such  was  the  relative  position  of  the  house 
games  in  the  realm  of  football.  They  were 
strenuous  affairs  —  rare  opportunities  when 
the  best  of  friends  could  physically  experiment 
on  each  other  without  an  afterthought.  Of 

[177] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
course  all  this  is  changed,  but  it  was  a  good 
school,  though  a  rude  one,  for  the  masculine 
animal,  who,  refine  him  as  you  may,  must  some 
how  fight  his  way  through  this  world. 

Now,  the  Kennedy  having  four  members  of 
the  Varsity,  was  accordingly  weakened  in  its 
house  eleven.  The  Tennessee  Shad,  who,  as 
may  be  remembered  was  thinner  than  his  own 
shadow,  was  not  exactly  the  most  corpulent  mem 
ber  of  the  eleven,  but  a  fair  representative  of 
the  average.  He  was  at  quarter-back,  and 
Fatty  Harris  at  center,  a  combination  which 
looked  very  much  like  a  cannon  ball  and  a  mus 
ket.  Hungry  Smeed,  who  even  after  he  had 
consumed  forty-nine  pancakes,  never  weighed 
over  one  hundred  and  twenty,  was  at  one  end 
and  Dennis  de  Brian  de  Boru  Finnegan  at  the 
other.  The  guards  weighed  one  hundred  and 
forty  and  the  tackles,  the  Gutter  Pup  and  Lovely 
Mead,  ten  pounds  less,  and  the  situation  is  best 
understood  when  it  is  baldly  stated  that  the 
team  was  so  mortified  that  it  had  refused  to 
stand  up  and  be  photographed. 

The  Woodhull  team,  on  the  contrary,  was 
strong  with  second  team  men,  averaged  over  one 

[178] 


LEADING  TO  A  RECONCILIATION 

hundred  fifty  pounds  to  a  player,  and  was  al 
ready  conceded  the  house  championship. 

All  of  which  made  the  conference  of  Kennedy 
enthusiasts  on  the  evening  before  the  game,  a 
most  oppressively  silent  gathering. 

"  It's  a  joke,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad,  re 
clining  on  P.  Lentz's  cushioned  frame,  to  save 
himself  for  the  morrow's  fray. 

"  The  faculty  sprung  this  dodge  about  de 
barring  Varsity  members  just  to  beat  us  out  of 
a  championship." 

"Sure!" 

"  They're  down  on  us." 

"  I'll  bet  Old  Baranson  at  the  Woodhull 
worked  it  through  himself." 

"I'll  bet  he  did!" 

"  Well,"  said  Lovely  Mead  cheerily,  "  they'll 
beat  us  about  thirty-six  to  nothing." 

"Fifty-six!" 

"  A  hundred  and  six !  " 

"  Never  mind,  I'll  get  a  crack  at  Cheyenne 
Baxter,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup,  who  came  from 
the  same  town  and  loved  his  friend. 

"  I've  got  a  few  love  pats  for  Butsey  White 
myself." 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
"  They  outweigh  us  twenty  pounds  to  a  man." 
"  Why,  if  a  wind  should  start  up  blowing  we 
wouldn't  stay  on  the  field !"• 

"  If  you  fellows  would  only  spring  some  of 
my  trick  plays,"  said  Dennis  de  Brian  de  Boru 
Finnegan,  "  they'd  never  get  hold  of  the  ball." 
"What's  your  pet  idea?"  said  Stover,  yank 
ing  the  Irishman  to  him  by  an  ankle  and  a  wrist. 
"  It's  called  the  fan-wedge,"  said  Dennis,  who 
never  resigned  hope.  "  It's  just  like  this,  see ! 
The  quarter  gives  the  signal,  everyone  on  the 
team  runs  back  and  out  in  the  lines  of  the 
spokes  of  a  fan,  and  the  center  snaps  the  ball 
when  they  are  on  the  run.  The  fan  divides 
and  sweeps  toward  each  end  and  the  quarter 
makes  a  long  pass  to  whichever  side  looks  best. 
See?" 

"  Dennis,"  said  Stover  severely,  "  go  stand  in 
the  corner." 

"  It'll  work,  Dink,  yon  see  if  it  won't! " 
"What  idea  is  the  Shad  browsing  on?"  said 
Stover,    squelching    Finnegan   by    covering    his 
head  with  a  sweater. 

"  Oh,    I'm    kind    of   thinking    of    something," 
said  the  Tennessee  Shad  in  a  noncommittal  way. 

[180] 


LEADING  TO  A  EECONCILIATION 

"  Something  that  is  good  for  thirty-six 
points?" 

"  My  idea  is  a  secret,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad 
loftily,  "  but  if  it  works  it  will  most  certainly 
reduce  the  score." 

At  this  came  an  interruption. 

"  Here  comes  Macnooder !  " 

"  And  the  Beefsteak !  " 

"What's  his  game?" 

"  He's  coming  over  to  give  us  the  laugh." 

"  Keep  quiet,"  said  the  Shad  quickly.  "  Don't 
get  in  a  huff.  Just  let  me  draw  him  out." 

There  now  appeared,  followed  by  the  Uncooked 
Beefsteak  at  a  valet's  distance,  Doc  Macnooder 
with  a  pair  of  uncased  opera  glasses  strapped 
to  his  back,  trailing  a  bamboo  cane,  a  pencil  over 
one  ear  and  a  note  book  in  one  hand.  His  ap 
proach  was  received  in  various  ways;  by  the 
younger  members  with  expectant  grins,  by  the 
veterans  with  wary  defensive  looks,  while  the 
Gutter  Pup  openingly  and  insultingly  took  the 
twenty-two  cents  that  burdened  his  change 
pocket,  counted  them,  and  slipped  them  down 
his  sock. 

"  Ah  there !  "  said  Macnooder,  affably  saluting 
[181] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
with  his  bamboo  cane.     "  Very  pleasant  evening, 
gentlemen.     Nice  day  for  ducks, —  white  ducks, 
of  course !     Let  me  present  to  you  Mr.  Montague 
Skinner,  my  betting  commissioner." 

"Your  what?"  said  two  or  three  voices. 

"  I  think  I  said  betting  commissioner,"  said 
Macnooder  in  his  most  inviting  way.  "  Monte, 
did  I  say  betting  commissioner?  I  did.  This, 
gentlemen,  is  a  little  betting  account,  called  a 
book,  that  I  finger  thus  between  my  thumb  and 
my  first  finger.  I  am  told  there  are  a  number 
of  gents,  called  dead  game  sports,  in  this  House, 
and  I  just  dropped  over  to  accommodate  them. 
A  little  flier  on  the  game,  eh?  " 

At  this  there  was  a  low,  rumbling,  portentous 
sound  and  Dink  Stover,  as  president  of  the 
House,  was  about  to  order  the  proper  measures 
when  he  suddenly  beheld  the  left  eyelid  of 
the  Tennessee  Shad  fluttering  on  his  bony 
cheek. 

"  Now,  little  bounding  boys,"  said  Macnooder, 
genially  poising  a  pencil,  "  we  will  do  this  in  pro 
fessional  fashion;  winner  first,  place  afterward. 
Any  Sporting  Life  eager  to  place  a  bet  on  the 
Kennedy  to  win  to-morrow's  game,  step  up. 

[182] 


LEADING  TO  A  RECONCILIATION 
Step  up,  but  don't  crowd.     We  give  you  two  to 
one,  Woodhull  to  win.     Did  I  hear  a  noise?  " 

"  You  are  a  dead  game  sport,  you  are,"  said 
P.  Lentz  sarcastically.  "  Why  don't  you  ask  us 
to  give  you  the  money?  " 

"  Three  to  one,"  said  Macnooder  instantly. 

"  How  generous !  " 

"  Five  to  one." 

"  We're  still  listening." 

"Six  and  seven  to  one.  Eight  to  one.  Dol 
lars  to  doughnuts,  in  jiggers,  in  bank  notes,  in 
thousands.  Come  one,  come  all.  Our  capital  is 
unlimited.  Ten  to  one,  then.  Ten  to  one  the 
Woodhull  wins  the  game !  " 

"  Ten  to  one  the  grass  comes  up  in  the  spring," 
said  the  Gutter  Pup  sarcastically. 

"  Ten  to  one  the  earth  goes  around  the  sun." 

"  Ten  to  one  you  don't  lose  whichever  way  it 
comes  out ! " 

At  this,  Doc  Macnooder  hastily  changed  the 
subject. 

"  Anyone  want  to  bet  on  the  score?  Any  dead 
game  Kennedy  sport  got  any  feeling  of  confi 
dence  at  all?" 

[183] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"What  do  you  want  to  bet?"  said  P.  Lentz 
at  last,  stung  into  action. 

"  Even  the  Woodhull  wins  by  fifteen 
points." 

P.  Lentz  looked  at  Macnooder  as  Al  at  the 
Jigger  Shop  was  wont  to  look  when  the  charge 
account  had  been  overstretched. 

"  Well,  now,  what's  your  idea? "  said  Mac 
nooder  professionally.  "  Speak  up  my  man, 
speak  up ! " 

"  I'll  bet  you  even,"  said  King  Lentz  very 
slowly,  "  that  they  don't  score  over  twenty-four 
points." 

At  this  juncture  a  little  lukewarm  enthusiasm 
began  to  appear,  and  when  Macnooder,  after  a 
whispered  conference  with  Skinner,  expressed 
his  willingness,  quite  a  number  of  wagers  were 
recorded.  The  Tennessee  Shad  however,  re 
mained  obdurate  until  thirty  points  had  been 
conceded,  when  he  at  length  responded,  en 
training  in  his  fall  Finnegan  and  the  Gutter 
Pup. 

"  Say,  it's  a  cinch,"  said  Macnooder  know 
ingly  to  the  Uncooked  Beefsteak,  when  they  had 
returned  to  their  rooms. 

[184] 


LEADING  TO  A  RECONCILIATION 

"  Why,  thirty  points  is  nothing  at  all,"  said 
Skinner  joyfully. 

"Nothing!" 

"  Gee,  I  certainly  wanted  to  get  back  at  that 
Tennessee  Shad.7' 

"  Sure  you  did.  Well,  you  got  him.  He 
swallowed  the  whole  fishing  pole." 

"  But  can  we  collect?  r  said  Skinner,  struck 
by  a  sudden  horrid  thought. 

"  Now,  that's  an  idea,"  said  Macnooder.  "  We 
must  fix  that.  I  tell  you  what  Give  me  your 
money,  and  we'll  make  Turkey  Eeiter  stake 
holder  and  I'll  round  up  those  paper  collar 
sports  in  the  Kennedy  and  make  them  plunk  up 
to-night." 

The  Uncooked  Beefsteak  became  so  superhu- 
manly  unbearable  under  the  stimulus  of  his  new 
venture  that  the  House  in  self  defense  was  forced 
to  set  him  to  darning  socks.  So  sure  was  he 
of  his  approaching  victory  over  the  Tennessee 
Shad  that  not  even  this  additional  humiliation 
could  disturb  his  equanimity.  In  the  afternoon, 
after  scrubbing  off  the  degrading  stains  of  black 
ing  from  his  fingers,  he  slanted  his  pearl  gray 

[185] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
fedora  at  the  proper  rakish  angle  on  his  head, 
and,  rejoicing  inwardly,  sauntered  down  to  the 
third   field   to   watch   the   preliminaries   of  the 
game. 

The  shivering  line  of  the  Kennedy  was  running 
through  the  signals  in  a  weak  discouraged  way, 
while  the  well-nurtured,  brawny  team  of  the 
Woodhull,  as  though  disdaining  superfluous  ex 
ertion,  was  languidly  tossing  the  pigskin  to  and 
fro. 

The  Uncooked  Beefsteak  spread  his  feet, 
clasped  his  hands  behind  his  back  and,  looking 
over  the  antagonists,  smiled  a  thoroughly  satis 
fied  smile.  About  him  reassuring  comments 
went  up. 

"Say,  it's  a  shame!" 

"  They'll  never  be  able  to  count  the  points." 

"  The  Woodhull  ought  to  lend  them  a  couple 
of  men." 

"  They'll  tire  themselves  out  running  down  the 
field.'' 

"  Why,  there  won't  even  be  a  first  class  scrap 
in  it!" 

Macnooder  came  up,  looking  very  canny. 

"  Say,  Beefsteak,  I've  worked  the  Shad  into 
doubling  all  his  bets.  How  about  it?  " 

[186] 


LEADING  TO  A  RECONCILIATION 

The  Uncooked  Beefsteak  wrung  his  hands  fur 
tively  but  with  great  feeling. 

Jack  Rabbit  Lawson,  referee,  a  fifth  former 
with  a  flower  in  his  buttonhole  and  a  choker  tie 
of  several  antagonistic  shades,  now  passed  lan 
guidly  on  to  the  field,  and  called  the  teams  to 
gether,  announcing  in  routine,  half-hearted 
fashion,  as  he  had  done  in  a  dozen  games  before, 

"  Of  course  fellows,  no  roughing  it." 

"Oh,  no!" 

"Nothing  brutal,  nothing  coarse!" 

"  Oh,  dear  no !  " 

"  Remember,  this  is  a  gentleman's  game." 

"  You  bet  we  will !  " 

"  I  shall  be  very  strict." 

"Yes,  Mr.  Referee." 

"  The  Woodhull  wins  the  toss.  The  Kennedy 
kicks  off.  Are  you  ready?" 

By  common  consent,  the  first  line-up  was  de 
voted  to  a  friendly  exchange  of  amenities,  with 
honors  about  even  between  Cheyenne  Baxter  and 
the  Gutter  Pup,  who  came  from  the  same  town, 
and  Butsey  White  and  Patty  Harris,  who  were 
too  closely  related. 

With  the  second  line-up  the  game  began  in 
earnest.  There  were  many  scores  to  wipe  out 

[187] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
between  the  two  houses,  and  Ginger  Pop  Rooker 
at  quarter  for  the  Woodhull  had  no  intention  of 
losing  the  verbal  opportunity  of  the  present  ad 
vantage. 

"  Oh,  I  say,  fellows,"  he  said  in  a  careless, 
bored  way.  "  What's  the  use  of  using  the  sig 
nals?  Let's  tell  ?em  where  we're  going.  Earn 
the  ball  right  through  Lovely  Mead  and  that  lit 
tle  squirt  of  an  Irishman!  On  your  toes!  Let 
her  come ! " 

The  humiliated  Kennedy  swarmed  frantically 
to  the  point  attacked,  only  to  be  borne  back  for 
a  five  yard  loss.  The  Woodhull  came  gleefully 
to  its  feet,  laughing  hilariously. 

"  Good  eye,  Ginger !  " 

46  Tell  them  every  time !  " 

"  Poor  old  Kennedy !  " 

"  All  ready,"  said  Rooker  to  the  shrieks  of  the 
spectators.  "  Put  it  right  through  the  Gutter 
Pup  this  time.  Hard  now !  " 

For  thirty  yards  the  outraged  Kennedy  was 
swept  back  before  a  fumble  stopped  the  insolent 
advance.  Cheyenne  Baxter,  at  left  half,  for  the 
Woodhull,  owing  to  a  retiring  left  eye,  either  saw 
imperfectly  or  with  his  battling  right  eye  fixed 

[188] 


LEADING  TO  A  RECONCILIATION 
on  his  chum,  the  Gutter  Pup,  momentarily  for 
got  the   technical   presence  of  the  superfluous 
football. 

At  any  rate  the  Kennedy  lined  up,  plunged  at 
the  opposing  line  and  were  carried  back  five 
yards  to  the  accompaniment  of  derisive  shrieks 
from  the  squabs  of  the  Woodhull  on  the  side 
lines. 

There  was  a  hurried  consultation  in  which  the 
Tennessee  Shad  was  seen  with  his  lips  to  Fatty 
Harris's  ear,  and  then  the  team  massed  for  a 
plunge  on  center.  The  ball  was  passed,  there 
was  a  forward  lunge,  a  churning  movement; 
half  the  players  went  down  in  a  heap  and 
suddenly  a  report  like  a  dynamite  explosion 
was  heard.  Among  the  spectators  a  clamor 
arose. 

"  What  the  deuce  has  happened?  " 

"  They've  squashed  Fatty  Harris !  " 

"  Fatty  Harris  is  blown  up !  " 

"  Punctured !  " 

"Squashed  flat!" 

"Exploded!" 

"  No,  it's  the  ball !  " 

"He's  bust  the  ball!" 

[189] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  He  certainly  has." 

"  Flat  as  a  pancake." 

"  Fatty  has  smashed  the  ball !  " 

"  Well,  where  is  the  ball?  " 

This  last  cry  quickly  communicated  itself  to 
the  frantic  Woodhull  team,  who,  throwing 
themselves  on  Fatty  Harris,  rolled  him  over  and 
discovered  that  the  pigskin  had  vanished. 

At  this  moment  a  wild,  gleeful  shriek  arose 
from  behind  the  Woodhull  goal  posts,  and  the 
Tennessee  Shad  was  seen  extracting  from  under 
his  sweater  the  flattened  pigskin.  Instantly 
the  field  overflowed  with  the  shock  of  waters, 
triumphant  or  frantic. 

"  Touchdown !  " 

"Bobbers!" 

"  Touchdown  for  the  Kennedy." 

"Call  him  back!" 

"  Dead  ball." 

"  Hurrah  for  the  Tennessee  Shad !  " 

"Muckers!" 

"  No  mucker  tricks !  " 

"  The  ball  was  down." 

"  Call  it  back !  " 

"Judgment!" 

[190] 


LEADING  TO  A  RECONCILIATION 

"  Judgment,  Mr.  Referee !  " 

Jack  Rabbit  Lawson,  hauled  to  and  fro  be 
tween  the  contending  parties,  found  himself  in 
the  most  serious  predicament  into  which  a  ref 
eree  can  fall,  when  a  decision  must  be  given  and 
either  decision  requires  an  escort  of  police. 
Moreover,  each  contending  party,  to  clinch  the 
judgment,  had  precipitated  itself  upon  him  and 
the  struggle  for  his  possession  raged  like  the 
contention  of  Greek  and  Trojan  over  the  body  of 
Patroclus. 

"Don't   let    those   thugs   bluff    you,    Jack!" 
shouted  the  Kennedy  cohorts,  in  possession  of,  ' 
an  arm  and  a  leg. 

"Square  deal,  no  cheating!''  retorted  the 
Woodhull  with  a  commanding  grip  on  the  other 
extremities. 

Fresh  arrivals  surged  in,  seeking  to  fasten  on 
him, 

"  Touchdown ! " 

"No  touchdown!" 

"Square  deal!" 

"  Justice ! " 

"  No  intimidation !  " 

"  No  mucker  tricks !  " 

[191] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  Hands  off,"  shouted  Jack  Babbit  Lawsoii. 
"  Let  go  of  me !  " 

"  Mr  Referee,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad,  art 
fully  cool,  "  I  demand  that  the  game  go  on." 

"  The  game  must  go  on,"  said  the  referee,  im 
mensely  relieved. 

"  Never,"  shouted  the  furious  Woodhull. 

"  Mr.  Referee,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  with 
magnificent  impudence,  "  they  know  we've  got 
'em   licked!     I  demand   that   the  game   go   on 
Settle  the  point  afterward !  " 

At  this,  just  as  he  intended,  the  Woodhull 
quite  forgot  that  it  was  only  a  question  of  walk 
ing  through  the  unresisting  line  in  their  fury  at 
the  trick  sprung  on  them.  With  one  accord 
they  responded. 

"  We  won't  go  on !  " 

"  Don't  give  the  robbers  a  point !  " 

"  Don't  you  stand  for  it !  " 

"  Judgment,  Mr.  Referee !  " 

"  Let  go  of  me,  there,  will  you  ?  "  said  Jack 
Rabbit  Lawson  for  the  tenth  time.  "  I'll  look 
it  up  in  the  rules." 

Churning  at  his  heels,  the  whole  mass  swept 
him  on  to  the  Upper,  except  where  in  spots  little 

[192] 


LEADING  TO  A  RECONCILIATION 
detached  groups  of  enthusiasts  sought  their  own 
solutions.  At  the  Esplanade  the  crowd  waited 
vociferously  while  Lawson  went  to  his  room,  ac 
companied  by  the  Tennessee  Shad  for  the  Ken 
nedy  and  Ginger  Pop  Hooker  for  the  Woodhull. 

Lawson,  having  closed  his  collar  and  coaxed 
his  necktie  back  into  a  normal  position,  looked 
sternly  at  Booker  and  said, 

"Now,  what's  your  argument?" 

"  My  argument,"  said  Ginger  Pop  turbulently, 
"  is  that  a  ball  is  dead  when  it  is  a  dead  ball ! 
And  furthermore,  we  are  playing  a  game  called 
football,  and  not  i  Button,  button,  who's  got  the 
button,'  or  '  going  to  Jerusalem,'  or  '  Post  office,' 
or—" 

"  Hold  up  there,"  said  Jack  Kabbit  magisteri 
ally,  "  that's  enough.  Your  argument  is  a  good 
one.  Now,  Shad,  what's  yours?  " 

"  I  have  three  arguments,"  said  the  Tennessee 
Shad,  rising,  with  his  thumb  over  the  second 
button  of  his  waistcoat.  "  First,  the  play  had 
never  stopped;  second,  you  won't  find  anything 
against  it;  and  third,  this  bunch  of  soreheads 
would  have  done  the  same  thing  if  they  had 
had  a  cute  little  boy  like  me/' 

[193] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  Your  position  is  very  strong/'  said  Jack  Rab- 
bit  Lawson,  nodding  to  the  Tennessee  Shad.  "  I 
will  now  look  it  up  in  the  rules." 

He  read  through  the  fine  print  laboriously  and 
solemnly  and  closed  the  book. 

"  Well  ?  "  said  the  rival  counsels  in  a  breath. 

"  There  are  things  here,"  said  Lawson  judi 
ciously,  "  that  I  want  to  think  over.  I  will  an 
nounce  my  decision  in  an  hour," 

At  that  time  the  mob  gathered  once  more. 
Jack  Rabbit  Lawson  appeared  at  his  window 
and  announced  that  he  had  read  the  rules  again 
and  was  still  deliberating,  but  that  his  decision 
would  infallibly  be  given  at  five  o'clock. 

Suddenly,  their  fury  having  had  a  certain  time 
to  cool,  the  Woodhull  all  at  once  woke  up  and 
grasped  the  amazing  fact  of  their  own  blunder 
in  not  continuing  a  contest  that  could  have  but 
one  outcome. 

Consequently  as  the  Tennessee  Shad,  camped 
on  the  Esplanade  in  the  midst  of  the  embattled 
Kennedy,  was  receiving  congratulations,  a  suave 
delegation  from  the  Woodhull  headed  by  Ginger 
Pop  Booker  with  his  blandest  smile,  approached, 
and  the  following  conversation  took  place : 

[194] 


I 


LEADING  TO  A  RECONCILIATION 

"  Hello  there,  you  foxy  old  Shad!  " 

"  Hello,  yourself." 

"  Say,  you  certainly  worked  a  slick  one  over 
us." 

"Is  it  possible?7' 

"  Look  here,  it  did  make  us  rather  hot  at  first, 
but  we  certainly  have  to  take  off  our  hats  to 
you.  That  was  a  corking  idea,  a  wonder,  a 
peacherino,  and  perfectly  square." 

"  Oh,  don't  make  me  blush." 

"  I  say,  old  boy,  we  give  in !  " 

"You  do,  eh?" 

"  Yes,  we  admit  your  claim.  We'll  agree  to 
a  touchdown.  So  now  let's  go  back  and  finish 
the  game." 

The  Tennessee  Shad  looked  long  and  sadly  at 
Rooker  then  he  laid  his  head  on  P.  Lentz's 
shoulder  and  began  to  laugh.  The  laugh  irri 
tated  Rooker  and  likewise  alarmed  him. 

"  I  say,  Shad,  shall  we  play  it  over  now  or  to 
morrow?  " 

Then  the  Tennessee  Shad  spoke  languidly, 

"  No,  dear  boy,  no.  You  had  your  chance  on 
the  field,  and  you  refused,  think  of  it,  you  refused 
to  go  on!  Of  course  we'd  have  licked  you  to  a 

[195] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
scramble  anyway,  but,  oh,  well,  we'll  let  it  go  at 
six  to  nothing." 

"  What,  you  won't  play  it  over?  "  cried  a  dozen 
angry  voices. 

"  Don't  ask  me." 

"  Why,  you  robber !  "  said  Rooker,  immediately 
changing  his  tone,  "  you  low-down  robber !  " 

"  Thank  you !  " 

"You  little  sneak  thief!" 

"  A  baby  trick !  " 

"  Mucker  gag !  " 

"  We'll  appeal  to  Walter  Camp." 

"  Do,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad,  "  keep  on  ap 
pealing.  But  you're  licked,  and  remember  this, 
that  I  rushed  the  ball  right  through  you,  right 
through  the  whole  Woodhull  line !  " 

This  being  a  little  super-insulting,  the  Ken 
nedy  took  up  a  little  stronger  defensive  position 
as  the  Woodhull  advanced.  The  tension  how 
ever,  was  fortunately  averted  by  the  sudden 
appearance  at  his  window  of  Jack  Rabbit  Law- 
son,  who,  having  locked  and  fortified  his  door, 
now  addressed  the  crowd. 

"  Fellows,  I  have  read  over  the  rules  a  third 
time,  and  I  have  come  to  a  decision." 

[196] 


LEADING  TO  A  RECONCILIATION 

"  Hurray ! " 

"  Touchdown ! " 

"  No  score !  " 

"  Woodhull !  " 

"Kennedy!" 

"Shut  up!" 

"Let  him  talk!" 

"  Fellows,  I  have  decided,"  said  Jack  Rabbit 
Lawson  firmly,  in  the  midst  of  a  hollow  silence, 
"  I  have  decided  TO  RESIGN  !  " 

And  closing  the  window  abruptly,  he  with 
drew,  nor  could  threats  or  cajolery  ever  draw 
from  him  an  opinion  on  the  case. 

To  avert  a  civil  conflict,  the  Doctor  at  once 
appointed  a  faculty  committee  to  render  a  de 
cision  within  the  half-hour.  This  committee,  re 
jecting  as  immaterial  the  Woodhull's  conten 
tion  that  the  Tennessee  Shad  had  used  a  sharp 
ened  nail,  was  guided  by  an  almost  analogous 
incident  in  the  Harvard-Indian  game,  where,  it 
may  be  remembered,  a  touchdown  was  scored  by 
an  aborigine  concealing  the  pigskin  under  the 
back  of  his  jersey,  and  running  the  length  of 
the  field  through  the  bewildered  scholars.  The 
tremendous  classic  prestige  of  Cambridge  being 

[197] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
decisive,  judgment  was  rendered  for  the  Ken 
nedy,  with  this  proviso :  that  the  game  should  not 
be  played  over,  and  all  adherents  were  ordered 
quarantined  in  their  respective  Houses  for 
twenty-four  hours. 

The  Uncooked  Beefsteak,  shocked  and  bewil 
dered,  went  limply  toward  the  Dickinson.  Half 
way,  Turkey  Reiter,  stake-holder,  accosted  him. 

"  Hello  there,  Sporting  Tootlets !  " 

The  Uncooked  Beefsteak  stopped  and  feebly 
responded, 

"Oh,  hello !" 

"Rather  bad  day  for  book-makers,  eh?" 

"  I  don't  understand  it  at  all." 

"Well,  I  paid  over  the  stakes,"  said  Turkey 
Reiter  mercilessly.  "  Say  —  rather  expensive 
educating  us,  isn't  it?  " 

Skinner  shook  his  head. 

"I  don't  understand.     Where's  Macnooder?" 

"  Doc?     Over  with  the  Tennessee  Shad." 

"  With  the  Tennessee  Shad ! "  said  the  Beef 
steak,  shocked.  "  Why,  we  got  this  up  to  trim 
him!" 

"  Look  here,  son,"  said  Turkey  Reiter,  relent 
ing  a  little,  "  you  put  this  down  from  me  —  the 

[198] 


LEADING  TO  A  RECONCILIATION 
only  way  to  trim  either  of  those  weasels  is  to 
trim  them  together !  " 

Skinner  took  off  his  hat  and  slowly  spun  it  on 
one  finger,  gazing  stolidly  at  the  windows  of  the 
Tennessee  Shad. 

"  And  now,  Old  Gazello,"  said  Turkey,  who  en 
joyed  an  occasional  lapse  into  moralizing, 
"  really  you  are  not  up  to  teaching  these  coons 
anything  as  yet,  let  alone  sinful  wicked  practices. 
Savez?  Better  sit  down  at  our  feet  and  pick  up 
a  few  pearls." 

The  Beefsteak,  incapable  of  reply,  moved 
slowly  away. 

"  Don't  try  to  be  a  bad  man/'  continued  the 
moralist.  "  Don't  listen  too  much  to  the  chink 
of  the  coin  in  your  pockets.  Don't  try  to  buy 
your  way  here,  because  it  won't  go  —  it  won't 
go,  my  boy !  But  —  if  nothing  will  stop  you,  if 
you've  got  to  get  rid  of  the  dough,  for  the  love 
of  Mike,  give  me  a  chance !  " 


[199] 


CHAPTER  VIII 

THE   BEEFSTEAK    APPLIES   FOR   ADMISSION 

Fortunately  for  the  firm,  despite  his  previous 
trying  experiences,  it  must  be  confessed  that  the 
Uncooked  Beefsteak  still  clung  to  those  sporting 
proclivities  which,  in  more  worldly  communities, 
are  regarded  as  the  natural  distinctions  of  a 
gentleman.  Eeduced  by  his  disrespectful  house 
mates  to  menial  degradations  as  humiliating  as 
endured  by  other  kings  in  exile,  the  spirit  of  am 
bition  was  yet  strong  in  him  —  the  spirit  to  ex 
cel  in  some  field,  to  rise  from  the  mass  at  what 
ever  cost,  to  be  known  as  an  individual  and  not 
a  type. 

Unfortunately,  the  field  was  limited.  He  was 
not  an  athlete  and  he  lazily  had  no  desire  to  be 
one.  He  neither  sang,  nor  was  the  cause  of  mel 
ody  in  instruments.  He  did  not  act  nor  was  he 
given  to  journalism.  All  this  was  in  the  unde 
veloped  area  into  which  he  had  never  ventured, 

[200] 


BEEFSTEAK    APPLIES    FOR    ADMISSION 

satisfied  with  his  own  beau  ideal  of  a  man  of 
fashion. 

However,  it  did  seem  to  the  Beefsteak,  de 
spite  certain  disillusionment  which  he  had  en 
countered  since  his  advent  to  Lawrenceville,  that 
the  school  was  sadly  in  lack  of  what  is  vulgarly 
known  as  a  true  gentleman-sport  —  the  two 
names,  in  his  mind,  being  complementary,  if  not 
synonymous.  Of  course,  a  number  of  the  fellows 
rejoiced  in  the  very  common  nickname  of 
"  Sport,"  but  the  title  had  certainly  been  con 
veyed  without  the  slightest  notion  of  its  distinc 
tion. 

To  Skinner's  critical  mind  a  gentleman-sport 
was  not  only  a  disciple  of  that  magnificent  Eng 
lishman,  Beau  Brummel,  but  of  that  other  dis 
tinguished  Britisher,  the  Marquis  of  Queensbury, 
who,  while  laying  down  the  full  etiquette  of  the 
law,  was  always  found  at  the  side  of  the  prize 
ring  and  never  within  it.  Likewise  this  ideal 
was  one  who  never  counted  his  change,  never 
quarreled  over  a  bill,  who  played  with  existence 
and  wagered  on  the  simplest  turns  of  fate  with 
anybody  for  anything.  To  be  a  gentleman-sport, 
then,  was  to  be  magnificent,  elegant  and  racy; 

[201] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
and  to  be  the  first  gentleman-sport  in  the  school 
was,  in  a  word,  the  ambition  to  which  the  Un 
cooked  Beefsteak  still  clung,  despite  all  reverses 
and  the  combined  educational  efforts  of  his 
housemates. 

However,  his  skirmishes  with  the  Tennessee 
Shad  and  Doc  Macnooder  had  instilled  in  him 
a  spirit  of  canniness.  He  no  longer  exposed  his 
roll  of  bank  notes,  trailing  it  so  to  speak,  on  a 
string  behind  him.  Instead,  his  first  instinct 
when  approached,  was  a  convulsive  movement 
towards  the  more  secure  buttoning  of  his  coat. 
This  educational  result  of  their  efforts  was  not, 
it  must  be  confessed,  so  pleasing  to  Doc  Macnoo 
der  and  the  Tennessee  Shad,  who,  having  become 
reconciled,  sought  separately  but  fruitlessly  to 
enlist  the  Beefsteak  in  several  schemes  to  humili 
ate  the  other. 

Turkey  Reiter  alone  was  not  suspected,  for 
Turkey  as  President  of  the  House  had  under 
taken  a  series  of  lectures  on  moral  conduct. 
These  excursions  into  morality  were  delivered, 
strangely  enough,  in  only  four  places :  at  Laloo's, 
to  the  bubbling  noise  of  the  steaming  Hot-Dogs; 
at  Appleby's  before  the  turkish  paste ;  at  the  Jig- 

[202] 


BEEFSTEAK  APPLIES  FOE  ADMISSION 
ger  Shop,  and  at  Conover's.  Why  the  spirit 
should  refuse  to  move  elsewhere,  went  unnoticed 
by  the  Uncooked  Beefsteak,  who  was  immensely 
flattered  by  the  solicitude  of  the  great  Turkey 
Eeiter,  listened  a  little  and  always  begged  the 
privilege  of  standing  treat.  The  Beefsteak,  still 
persistent,  recurred  to  the  Tennessee  Shad  and 
Doc  Macnooder. 

"Gee,  I'd  like  to  get  back  at  those  bunco- 
steerers,"  he  said,  digging  his  teeth  viciously  into 
an  unresisting  frankfurter. 

"Be  humble,  son,"  said  Turkey  Eeiter,  with 
paternal  impressiveness. 

"  I'll  get  them  yet." 

"  Others  have  tried,"  said  Turkey  Eeiter,  with 
a  reminiscent  twinge.  "  Your  game,  young  roos 
ter,  is  to  be  humble." 

"  Well,  now,"  said  the  Beefsteak,  with  a  sud 
den  access  of  frankness,  as  they  were  alone, 
"  say  just  what  is  the  matter  with  me  anyhow?  " 

"  It's  not  just  one  thing,  old  gazello,"  said 
Turkey  comfortingly.  "  Though,  of  course,  there 
is  one  thing  that  is  dead  against  you." 

rt  What's  that?" 

"  You're  a  billionaire." 
[203] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

The  Uncooked  Beefsteak  stared  very  seriously 
at  the  can  where  the  hot-dogs  were  bubbling, 
and  said: 

"I  wonder  if  that  is  it?" 

"  Sure,  you're  fair  game.  You're  the  fresh 
meat  for  every  hungry  coot  who  is  strapped  and 
waiting  for  the  first  of  the  month  to  conie 
around.  Say,  bub,  do  you  know  what  I'd  do  if 
I  were  you?  " 

"What?" 

"  Burn  the  bank  and  strip  to  a  dollar  a  week," 
said  Turkey,  rushing  on  enthusiastically,  either 
because  moralizing  was  apt  to  run  away  with 
his  discretion  or  because  the  near  approach  of 
a  recitation  rendered  impossible  any  further 
favors  from  the  munificence  criticized. 

"  Oh,  I  say  — " 

"  Sure,"  said  Turkey,  become  like  many  an 
other,  the  victim  of  his  own  argument,  "  these 
are  wise  words,  sonny.  Cut  out  the  treating, 
get  down  in  our  midst,  and  let  us  educate  you 
on  proper  lines.  Savez !  " 

"  What !     Never  treat  ?  " 

"  Never." 

"No  one  at  all?" 

[204] 


BEEFSTEAK    APPLIES    FOE    ADMISSION 

"  Well,  only  — "  said  Turkey,  pausing  a  bit 
and  clapping  the  Beefsteak  on  the  shoulder  in 
an  extra  amicable  way,  "  only  a  fellow  who's 
doing  you  good." 

The  Beefsteak  watched  Turkey  Eeiter  go, 
chuckling,  helter-skelter  back  to  recitation  and 
remained  a  moment  in  thoughtful  meditation 
over  the  dubious  interpretation  of  his  last  words. 
Then  he  paid  the  bill  and  went  slowly  up  the 
village  street. 

Directly  in  front  of  him,  in  full  possession  of 
the  walk,  was  a  bull-dog,  of  no  more  reassuring 
aspect  than  bull-dogs  usually  are.  As  Ap- 
pleby  was  at  the  window  and  several  fellows 
lounging  in  the  doorway,  Skinner  marched  reso 
lutely  forward  expecting  the  passage  to  be 
yielded.  Ten  feet  away,  as  the  maneuver  only 
resulted  in  a  certain  disconcerting  fixity  of  the 
brute's  gaze,  he  made  a  wide  detour  and  de 
ferred  to  another  day  the  issue  whether  or  not 
the  irreproachable  aroma  of  trousers  made  at 
New  York's  most  expensive  tailor,  would  ap 
peal  to  that  sense  of  aristocracy  which  is  said 
to  be  instinctive  in  the  canine. 

The  dog,  who  was  felicitously  named  Tough, 
[205] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
was  the  property  of  Blimmy  Garret  of  the  Wood- 
hull,  who  besides  rejoicing  in  the  distinction  of 
having  risen  to  six  feet  six,  was  on  account  of 
his  possession  of  a  mustache  and  a  real  discour 
aging  bull-dog,  generally  regarded  as  filling  the 
position  to  which  Skinner  longingly  aspired  — 
the  premier  dead  game  sport  of  the  school. 

The  companionship  of  Tough  had  been  rather 
expensive  to  Blimmy.  Due  to  several  cases  of 
carelessness  on  the  dog's  part,  he  had  been  forced 
to  buy  the  silence  of  Klondike  who  shook  up  the 
beds  in  the  Dickinson  and  pay  Blinky,  the  one- 
eyed  purveyor  of  cigarettes,  ten  dollars  and  re 
place  the  shredded  trousers. 

Tough  was  supposed  to  inhabit  a  suite  in  the 
village,  but  being  by  nature  inclined  to  good  so 
ciety  he  had  learned  at  the  sound  of  a  profes 
sorial  tread  to  retire  under  the  window-seat  and 
remain  until  the  danger  had  passed.  Despite 
which,  the  All-Seeing  Eye  was  decidedly  fixed  in 
the  direction  of  Tough  and  waiting  a  logical  ex 
cuse. 

The  Uncooked  Beefsteak  had  no  sooner  com 
pleted  the  outer  trail  than  a  patter  of  feet  and  a 
slight  asthmatic  snort  behind  revealed  the  fact 

[206] 


BEEFSTEAK    APPLIES    FOE   ADMISSION 

that  the  brute  was  deliberating  at  his  heels. 
!Now  if  the  Beefsteak's  courage  had  never  been 
tested  by  a  frontal  attack,  it  was  doubly  uncer 
tain  when  momentarily  expecting  a  crisis  be 
hind.  There  was  still  twenty  yards  to  the  Jig 
ger  Shop  and  an  acceleration  of  pace  might 
have  fatal  results. 

At  this  moment,  the  Uncooked  Beefsteak,  look 
ing  ahead,  thankfully  perceived  the  true  cause  of 
the  commotion  at  his  heels. 

In  front  of  Bill  Orum's,  the  cobbler,  another 
dog,  with  certain  marks  that  would  permit  him 
for  purposes  of  classification  to  be  described  as 
a  setter,  was  rounding  the  corner  with  tail  set 
and  carefully  poised  step.  The  last  animal  was 
Henry  Clay,  the  property  of  Bill  Orum  who 
stoutly  declared  that  his  dog  could  annihilate 
anything  that  attacked  him  on  the  left  side ;  the 
right  eye  having  gloriously  gone  in  a  victorious 
career. 

Just  which  side  the  bull-dog  selected  in  his  for 
ward  movement  would  be  hard  to  determine,  but 
in  another  second  the  joined  bodies  were  revolv 
ing  in  the  dust  much  after  the  fashion  of  a  giant 
pin-wheel  that  has  jumped  its  fastenings.  At 
[207] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
the  uproar  that  fell  upon  the  street,  a  crowd 
came  rushing  out  while  the  rival  owners,  hasten 
ing  up,  finally  secured  possession  of  the  hind 
quarters  of  their  respective  champions.  Then  it 
was  found  that  the  bull-dog  had  a  secure  grip  on 
the  pride  of  the  cobbler  shop  at  the  throat 
directly  beneath  the  closed  right  eye. 

In  this  impasse  Al  from  his  wisdom  produced 
an  ammonia  bottle  and  Tough  yielded  to  science 
what  he  would  not  have  yielded  to  nature. 
Blimmy  Garret  hastily  smuggled  the  victorious 
Tough  to  a  place  of  concealment  while  the  crowd, 
drifting  away,  left  a  few  to  listen  to  Bill  Drum's 
haranguing  on  the  result  and  his  repeated 
assertion  that  Tough  would  have  been  a  dead 
dog  by  now  if  he  had  attacked  on  the  left 
side. 

"  That  dog  of  Blimmy's  certainly  needs  a  lick 
ing,"  said  Al,  whose  eyes  and  throat  had  received 
their  measure  of  the  ammonia. 

"  He  certainly  does,"  said  Skinner,  in  full 
agreement. 

"A  lot  of  reputation  he's  got,"  said  Al  con 
temptuously,  "  licking  a  lot  of  curs  and  a  wall 
eyed  setter  whose  teeth  have  to  be  tied  in !  " 

[208] 


BEEFSTEAK    APPLIES    FOB   ADMISSION 

"  I'd  like  to  bring  a  real  bruiser  down  here," 
said  Skinner,  with  a  knowing  look. 

"  Go  ahead." 

"  By  jingo,  I  will/'  said  Skinner  determinedly 
as  he  walked  home.  "  Or,  at  any  rate,  I'll  find  a 
pup  who'll  make  mince-meat  of  that  sassy 
coyote." 

Now,  the  Beefsteak's  mind  did  not  as  yet  work 
with  that  instinctive  flight  towards  a  novel  idea 
that  was  the  characteristic  of  the  veteran.  As  a 
consequence,  it  was  only  after  having  repeatedly 
expressed  a  desire  to  get  even  with  the  brute  who 
had  given  him  such  a  chilly  few  moments  that 
the  complete  idea  finally  took  shape. 

He  stopped  as  though  he  had  stubbed  his  toe, 
overcome  with  the  beauty  of  his  inspiration.  His 
first  impulse  was  to  rush  with  it  to  Macnooder 
and  the  Tennessee  Shad  with  a  request  to  be  ad 
mitted  into  the  firm.  But  though  he  had  learned 
little,  he  had  learned  something.  Bridling  his 
enthusiasm  he  forced  himself  to  go  twice  around 
the  Circle,  working  out  the  details  of  his  scheme. 

"  Gee,  the  greatest  ever.  I'll  be  a  chief  pro 
moter  myself,  and  get  up  a  dog  fight,"  he  con 
fidently  proclaimed. 

[209] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

When  the  Uncooked  Beefsteak  approached  the 
firm  of  Macnooder  and  the  Tennessee  Shad  he 
did  so  with  so  much  business  discretion  that  the 
veterans  were  clearly  amazed. 

"  I  want  a  few  words  with  you  two/'  said  The 
Beefsteak,  with  a  certain  manner.  "  No  bluff  — 
but  an  out-and-out  understanding !  " 

"  Why,  Montague,  how  you  have  aged !  "  said 
Macnooder  in  soft  surprise. 

"  It's  no  joke  this  time,"  said  Skinner,  wav 
ing  the  persiflage  aside.  "  I've  got  a  scheme 
and  I  want  an  understanding.  Now  I'll  be 
frank." 

"  Hello,"  said  Macnooder,  who  from  constant 
use  of  this  last  assurance  became  suspicious  of 
the  words  on  another's  tongue. 

"  You  fellows  are  about  the  cutest  thing  out. 
You've  flim-flammed  me,  and  you've  done  it  well. 
I'm  not  kicking,  only  I've  got  my  eyes  open  now. 
And  you'll  never  get  me  again." 

At  this  tempting  challenge,  Macnooder  looked 
over  the  roofs  of  the  houses,  afraid  to  meet  the 
eye  of  the  Tennessee  Shad. 

"  See  here,"  continued  Skinner,  with  more 
gravity,  as  he  mistook  their  silence,  "  I'm  for  you 

[210] 


BEEFSTEAK    APPLIES    FOE   ADMISSION 

fellows  and  I  want  to  get  into  your  game  on  the 
ground  floor." 

"What  game?" 

"  Promoting." 

"  Bring  us  an  idea,"  said  Macnooder. 

"  I  have." 

"  You've  got  me." 

"The  best." 

"What  is  it?" 

"  Get  up  a  professional  dog-fight,  Blimmy's 
bull-pup  and  some  other  dog  we'll  get.  Sell 
tickets  and  run  it  off  in  the  woods  at  midnight." 

Macnooder  looked  at  the  proud  Beefsteak  and 
then  solemnly  at  his  partner. 

"  Shad,"  he  said,  "  extend  to  Monte  the  right 
hand  of  fellowship." 

"  We  must  get  a  dog,  though,  that  will  dine  off 
Tough,"  said  Skinner. 

"  I  know  one,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  dream- 

iiy. 

"  Where?  "  said  the  Beefsteak  eagerly. 

"  Trenton,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad,  "  a  long 
haired  dog,  that's  the  game.  Bull-dogs  are 
pie  before  long-haired  dogs  —  can't  get  at  the 
throat." 

[211] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"The  Tennessee  Shad'll  look  after  the  chal 
lenge,  then/'  glibly  said  Macnooder,  who  from 
old  experience  read  aright  the  note  of  dreaminess 
in  his  partner's  voice  and  knew  something  was 
brewing.  "Who'll  referee?" 

"  I  will,"  said  the  Uncooked  Beefsteak. 

Macnooder  glanced  at  the  Shad  and  saw  a  lit 
tle  smile  of  satisfaction  on  those  thin  lips. 

"  I  suppose  I've  got  to  be  secretary  and  treas 
urer,  then,"  he  said,  with  false  weariness. 

"That's  the  stuff,"  said  the  Beefsteak  auto 
cratically.  "  Besides,  I've  seen  a  real  fight  and 
know  the  game." 

"  It's  a  good  idea,"  said  Macnooder  after  the 
vow  of  secrecy  had  been  passed  and  the  Beef-* 
steak  had  gone,  walking  a  little  lightly  on  his 
toes. 

"  Yes." 

"  But,  couldn't  we  put  it  over  on  the  Beefsteak 
just  once  more —  just  one  little  final  touch?" 
said  Macnooder,  to  learn  what  the  Shad  was 
planning. 

The  Tennessee  Shad  remained  a  long  time  in 
cloudy  speculation.  Then  he  scratched  his  head, 
replaced  his  cap,  and  said  carefully: 

[212] 


BEEFSTEAK    APPLIES    FOR    ADMISSION 

"  To-morrow,  Doc,  I'll  tell  you  all  about  it  — 
to-morrow." 

The  Uncooked  Beefsteak's  eagerness  to  claim 
the  lime  light  was  quite  in  accordance  with  the 
plans  of  Macnooder  and  the  Tennessee  Shad. 
The  more  Skinner  took  upon  himself,  the  more 
complacently  they  viewed  the  outlook.  For 
some  time  it  had  become  increasingly  difficult 
for  the  firm  of  Macnooder  to  arouse  any  general 
enthusiasm  for  its  speculative  offerings.  Partic 
ularly  was  this  true  of  any  attempt  to  collect 
before  the  fact. 

Consequently,  with  great  magnanimity,  they 
assured  the  unsuspecting  Skinner  that  the 
honor  being  his,  they  were  determined  he 
should  have  all  the  glory  and  suggested  that 
whatever  publicity  was  needed  should  come  from 
him. 

Skinner  was  allowed  to  announce  the  great 
event,  to  challenge  Blimmy  Garret  in  behalf  of 
his  champion  and  most  important  of  all,  to  sell 
as  many  tickets  as  he  could  at  the  rate  of  fifty 
cents  a  head.  Macnooder,  modestly  keeping  in 
the  background,  received  the  receipts  and  safe- 

[213] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
guarded  them,  urging  that  no  mention  should  be 
made  of  this  trifling  service. 

By  thus  prominently  displaying  the  Uncooked 
Beefsteak,  they  succeeded  in  working  up  a  tre 
mendous  amount  of  enthusiasm  in  quarters 
which  would  have  been  decidedly  lukewarm  had 
the  great  sporting  event  borne  the  names  of  Mac- 
nooder  and  the  Tennessee  Shad. 

When  Skinner  had  collected  and  turned  over 
to  Macnooder  the  proceeds  of  thirty  tickets, 
and  had  arranged  the  date  and  selected  an  ideal 
location  in  the  groves  that  border  the  distant 
canal,  he  suddenly  became  rather  panicky  as  to 
the  mysterious  champion  whom  the  Tennessee 
Shad  was  to  provide,  and  rushed  all  in  a  flutter 
to  the  Kennedy  for  reassurance. 

"  Be  calm,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad,  "  I  have 
the  dog." 

"  Have  you  seen  him?  " 

"  I  have." 

"When?" 

"  This  afternoon." 

"  Then  he's  near  here? "  said  Skinner,  sur- 

• 

prised. 

"  I  have  him  in  training  quarters,"  said  the 

[214] 


BEEFSTEAK  APPLIES  FOR  ADMISSION 
Tennessee  Shad,  with  a  mysterious  wave  of  his 
hand.  "  Within  a  mile  of  where  I  stand/' 

"  Training?  "  said  Skinner,  mystified. 

"  Feeding  him  on  raw  veal  and  mustard.  You 
can  spread  the  report  that  he's  bitten  two  men 
in  the  last  three  days.  That  shows  what  he'll 
do  to  that  china  bull-pup  of  Blimmy's." 

"  You  said  he  was  a  collie?  " 

"  German-Collie,  a  bruising  ugly -tempered, 
rampaging  collie." 

"  Supposing  Tough  licks  him?  "  said  the  Beef 
steak  anxiously,  contemplating  a  wager. 

"  A  long-haired  collie?  "  said  the  Shad  loftily. 
"  Greatest  fighter  in  the  world.  Why,  Tough 
will  never  get  his  tooth  in  him.  Put  up  all  your 
money  on  it !  " 

"  I  wish  I  could  see  him,"  said  the  Beefsteak 
doubtfully. 

"  Course  you  do,"  said  the  Shad  sympathetic 
ally.  "  But  if  you  do,  then  Blimmy  has  a  right 
to  see.  And  say,  if  Blimmy  sees  this  living 
death  —  it's  all  off.  No  bets,  and  no  fight." 

"  Really !  » 

"  Keep  it  quiet." 

"  By  the  way,  what's  the  dog's  name?  " 
[215] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  Dynamite." 

The  next  afternoon  the  Shad  arrived  with  a 
worried  look. 

"  Say,  Beefsteak,  can't  you  put  ahead  the 
date?  " 

"  What's  the  matter? " 

"  Why  that  brute  of  mine  is  chewing  up  every 
thing  in  sight." 

"  No !  " 

"  Fact,  he  tore  the  feathers  off  a  duck  and 
mangled  a  milk  pail  they  left  by  mistake.  We've 
got  him  boxed  now." 

"  Supposing  we  pull  it  off  to-morrow  night." 

"  I  don't  think  we  can  hold  him  any  longer." 

When  Blimmy  Garret  heard  the  tales  of  butch 
ery  emanating  from  the  opposite  camp  he  was 
equal  to  the  occasion. 

"You  go  back,  young  stripling,"  he  said 
imperiously  to  Skinner,  "  go  back  to  whoever 
backs  that  ki-yi,  and  tell  that  old  four-flusher 
that  if  his  mongrel  isn't  any  fiercer  than  that 
there  won't  be  enough  of  him  to  line  a  pair  of 
mittens !  " 

"They  keep  him  shut  up  in  a  box,"  said  the 
Beefsteak  doubtfully. 

[216] 


yOU   GO   BACK,    YOUNG    STRIPLING" 
(  See  Page  2/6 ) 


BEEFSTEAK    APPLIES    FOR   ADMISSION 

"They  do,  do  they?  Well,  you  tell  'em  we're 
holding  Tough  in  a  trunk  with  a  couple  of  shot- 
laden  trays  over  him  too." 

"  They  say  he's  even  attacked  a  niilk  pail !  " 

"Oh,  he  has?"  said  Blimmy,  growing  indig 
nant.  "  Well,  tell  them  Tough  is  so  wild,  we've 
had  to  wedge  his  jaws." 

"What  for?" 

"  To  keep  him  from  wearing  down  his  teeth 
when  he  thinks  of  that  pup  Dynamite,"  said 
Blimmy  very  seriously.  "  And  say,  go  back  and 
tell  your  friend  that  we  don't  want  even  another 
day.  Pull  the  affair  off  to-night,  or  I  won't  an 
swer  for  the  spectators." 

"  All  right,"  said  Skinner,  running  off. 

"Oh,  I  say!" 

"  What?  " 

"  Tell  him  Tough  will  be  there  in  a  box,  all 
right!" 

"  All  right." 

"  And  hold  up,  are  you  putting  up  a  bet?  >? 

"  No  —  o,"  said  Skinner,  "  I'm  the  referee.  I 
can't." 

When  in  the  watches  of  the  night,  a  shivering 

[217] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

band  of  would-be  sports  bent  on  feverish  dissipa 
tion  gathered  expectantly  by  the  light  of  half  a 
dozen  lanterns  in  a  distant  and  gloomy  spot,  the 
ferocious  rumors  from  the  rival  camps  had  be 
come  common  property  and  in  certain  quarters 
there  was  a  marked  impulse  to  seek  places  of 
security  rather  than  the  natural  points  of  van 
tage. 

"  Have  you  ever  been  at  one  of  these  things?  " 
said  Shrimp  Davis,  who  was  the  youngest  al 
lowed  to  qualify  as  a  sport. 

"  No,"  said  Pewee  Bacon  in  the  same  wood 
land  whisper.  "  It's  pretty  risky,  isn't  it?  " 

"  There  ought  to  be  a  ring  with  a  high  wall 
around  it,"  said  the  Triumphant  Egghead,  who 
was  always  critical.     "  Something  to  protect  the 
spectators." 
«  That's  right." 

"  There's  no  telling  what  a  dog  will  bite." 
"  And  if  his  jaws  set  on  you,  they  never  let  go." 
"  Say,  this  is  a  rotten  place  for  a  fight." 
"  Well,  I  wore  leather  boots  and  shin  guards." 
Meanwhile,  Skinner  dressed  to  kill  in  the  flash 
iest  of  all  his  flashy  vests  and  ties,  checked  suit 
and   feathered   fedora,   was  anxiously   superin- 

[218] 


BEEFSTEAK    APPLIES    FOR   ADMISSION 

tending  the  marking  off  of  the  ring,  carefully 
selected  a  level  glade  among  a  clump  of  melan 
choly  pines.  Four  stakes  were  driven  in  and 
several  lengths  of  ropes  stretched  around. 

"  Say,  the  Beefsteak's  quite  the  fellow,  isn't 
he,"  said  Pewee  much  impressed. 

"  He  certainly  has  seen  a  lot  of  life." 

The  preparations  for  the  safety  of  the  public 
did  not  impress. 

"  What  are  they  stringing  up  ropes  for?  " 

"  Huh,  to  keep  us  out  of  the  ring." 

"Is  that  all  the  guarantee  we  get?" 

"  And  they  say  both  pups  haven't  had  a  square 
meal  in  thirty-six  hours." 

"Oh,  mother!" 

"  A  dog's  bite  is  poisonous,  isn't  it?  " 

"  Surex,  they  burn  you  out  with  a  red  hot 
poker." 

"Oh,  joy!" 

"What's  that?" 

"  Have  they  come?  " 

A  series  of  yelps  were  now  heard  approaching 
from  opposite  directions  and  presently  two  wheel 
barrows  bearing  sinister  noisy  boxes  appeared 
out  of  the  gloom.  There  was  a  rush  in  the  direc- 
[219] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

tion  of  the  Tennessee  Shad  and  Macnooder,  but 
all  lingering  incredulity  was  dissipated  when  the 
light  of  a  lantern  revealed  behind  the  slats  of 
an  improvised  cage,  the  dim  head  of  a  large 
collie  —  German  or  otherwise. 

Macnooder,  who  had  a  strong  dramatic  in 
stinct,  was  in  sweater  and  high  boots,  a  rag  over 
his  forehead  and  several  crosses  of  black  court- 
plaster  on  his  cheeks,  which  were  at  once  taken 
to  be  proofs  of  the  fighting  qualities  of  the  chal 
lenging  Dynamite. 

Both  dogs,  as  a  result  of  the  exceedingly  lumpy 
journey  they  had  come,  combined  with  the  prod 
ding  received  from  two  zealous  owners,  were 
in  a  humor  more  human  than  canine.  As  a  con 
sequence,  no  sooner  had  the  full  effect  of  their 
anger  reached  the  crowd,  than  there  began  a 
curious  shifting  movement  among  the  spectators ; 
those  in  front  slipping  to  the  back  while  those 
who  were  promoted  surrendered  instantly  their 
vantage. 

The  two  boxes  were  placed  at  opposite  sides  of 
the  ring,  and  the  seconds  summoned  by  Skinner 
met  in  the  middle  for  conclave. 

"  So  you're  back  of  this !  "  said  Blimmy  cont- 
[220] 


BEEFSTEAK    APPLIES   FOE   ADMISSION 

prehending  Macnooder's  connection  for  the  first 
time. 

"  I'm  slightly  interested,  Blimmy,"  said  Mac- 
nooder  with  a  smile. 

"And  you  think  you've  got  a  dog  can  lick 
Tough,  do  you?" 

"  My  dear  old  boy,  we  don't  think.97 

"Are  you  backing  your  opinion?"  said  Gar 
ret  furiously. 

"  It's  all  over.  We  don't  want  to  steal  your 
money ! " 

"Will  you  bet?" 

"  Wait,"  said  Macnooder,  who  made  a  gesture 
to  the  Tennessee  Shad,  who  immediately  pro 
duced  a  spade. 

"  What's  that  for?  "  said  Skinner,  mystified. 

"  To  bury  Tough,"  said  Doc,  with  a  bland  ges 
ture. 

"  Begin,"  said  Blimmy,  in  a  rage. 

At  this  there  was  suddenly  heard  a  noise 
among  the  trees,  like  an  army  of  squirrels.  A 
third  of  the  audience,  their  courage  departing, 
were  now  seen  making  their  way  along  over 
hanging  branches. 

Skinner,  more  thoroughly  frightened  than  ever 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
before  in  his  life,  remained  alone  in  the  middle 
of  the  ring,  suddenly  realizing  the  responsibili 
ties  as  well  as  the  glory  of  high  office.  Blimmy 
and  Macnooder  pushing  the  front  of  their  boxes 
up  to  the  ropes  stood  with  their  hands  on  the 
bolts. 

"  Stop ! "  cried  the  Tennessee  Shad  in  a  pur 
posely  tense  voice.  "  Stop  a  moment." 

"What's  the  matter?"  cried  a  dozen  alarmed 
voices. 

"  The  Beefsteak  must  get  out  of  the  ring  or  I 
won't  answer  for  the  consequences/' 

At  this  another  third  of  the  audience  took  to 
shinnying  up  the  most  available  trees,  while  the 
rest,  including  P.  Lentz  who  couldn't,  to  have 
saved  himself,  lifted  his  two  hundred  pounds 
from  the  ground,  began  to  cast  calculating 
glances  to  the  rear.  The  Beefsteak,  without  a 
pause,  retired  outside  the  ropes  while  the  tree 
dwellers  with  returning  interest  began  to  shout  : 

"  Even  on  Dynamite !  " 

"  I'll  back  Macnooder's  dog." 

"  Good-bye  to  Tough." 

"  Stuffed  dog  to-morrow !  " 

"  Ten  to  one  someone  gets  chewed." 
[222] 


BEEFSTEAK    APPLIES    FOR    ADMISSION 

"  What  show  has  a  Beefsteak  got?  " 

"  Jemima,  they're  fierce !  " 

"  Give  us  the  carnage." 

"Blood!*' 

"Are  you  ready?"  cried  the  Beefsteak,  in  a 
high  falsetto.  "  Let  'em  out." 

There  was  a  volley  of  cheers  from  the  trees 
and  a  unanimous  rushing  movement  to  the  rear 
on  the  part  of  the  remaining  spectators,  a  flight 
conspicuously  led  by  Macnooder  and  the  Tennes 
see  Shad,  with  well  acted  fright. 

The  shutters  dropped  simultaneously,  but  only 
Tough  bounded  forth  in  furious  solitary  posses 
sion  of  the  ring.  From  the  released  cage  of  Dy 
namite  nothing  stirred. 

Conflicting  shouts  now  sounded  from  the  trees. 

"  What's  the  matter?  " 

"  Where's  Dynamite?  " 

"Why  doesn't  he  come  out?" 

"  Just  wait  till  he  does." 

"  When  he  makes  up  his  mind,  look  out." 

"Eats,  he's  afraid!" 

"  Go  on,  give  him  time!  " 

A  full  minute  passed  and  still  the  only  occu 
pant  of  the  ring  was  Tough  with  four  legs  stiffly 

[223] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
planted,  growling  his  defiance.  From  behind  the 
tree  trunks  some  of  the  most  daring  began  to 
steal  back  to  where  the  Beefsteak,  puzzled, 
waited  in  suspense  for  the  living  destruction  to 
burst  forth. 

Reassured,  the  crowd  began  to  throng  the  ring 
side,  shouting: 

"  Come  on,  Dynamite !  " 

"Sic  ?em!" 

"  Poke  him  up !  " 

"Shake  him  up!" 

"Kick  the  box!" 

Acting  on  the  hint,  the  Beefsteak  shook  the 
box  with  a  thundering  boot.  A  furious  snarl 
ing,  which  momentarily  restored  confidence  an 
swered  him,  but  no  Dynamite  appeared. 

"He's  there  all  right!" 

"  What's  the  matter  with  him?  " 

"  Hear  him  growl !  " 

"  He's  coming." 

"  The  deuce  he  is !  " 

"  He's  gone  to  sleep." 

"Where's  the  Tennessee  Shad?"  cried  the 
Beefsteak. 

The  Tennessee  Shad  had  disappeared. 
[224] 


BEEFSTEAK    APPLIES    FOB    ADMISSION 

"  Where's  Macnooder?  " 

The  cry  was  taken  up  in  vain.  Suddenly  the 
same  suspicion  seized  the  group  of  would-be 
sports,  who  rushing  to  the  box,  overturned  it. 
At  the  same  moment,  Tough  springing  forward, 
came  to  a  disgusted  stop,  more  in  sympathy  than 
in  anger,  before  an  aged,  moth-eaten,  toothless 
dog,  who,  emerging  in  snarling  protest,  sank  im 
mediately  to  a  reclining  position.  At  once  it 
was  a  riot. 

"  Why,  he's  a  billion  years  old !  " 

"  No  teeth !  " 

"  No  eyes !  " 

"  Hair  dropping  out !  " 

"  Even  Tough  wouldn't  bite  it !  " 

"  Jemima,  if  it  isn't  Old  Sally!  " 

"Sure,  it  is!" 

"Belongs  to  Laloo!" 

"  Why,  she  is  thirty  years  old !  " 

"  A  grandmother !  " 

"  It's  a  put  up  job !  " 

"  Fraud ! " 

"Fake!" 

"  Skin  game !  " 

«  All  bets  off !  » 

[225] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"Murder"' 

"Stop,  thief !" 

"  Oh,  what  a  bunco  game ! " 

"  Money  back ! " 

"  Give  us  our  money  back." 

"  Catch  the  Beefsteak." 

"  Hold  him,  boys !  " 

But  that  great  sporting  promoter,  too  amazed 
to  think  of  flight,  was  gazing  in  dumbfounded 
horror  at  the  blinking,  ragged  aBnemic  specimen 
which  the  Tennessee  Shad  had  advertised  as 
Dynamite. 

"  Hold  up,  I  say,  it's  the  Tennessee  Shad,"  he 
cried  vainly,  "  catch  Macnooder  and  the  Ten 
nessee  Shad  —  they've  got  the  money !  " 

Then  the  mob  reached  him. 


[226] 


CHAPTER  IX 

THE   LAMB   RETREATS 

Having  found  by  successive  disillusionizing 
experiments  with  the  firm  of  Macnooder  and 
the  Tennessee  Shad. that  the  school  was  neither 
impressed  by  his  own  worldly  personality  or 
ready  for  the  launching  of  genteel  sporting  prac 
tices,  Montague  fell  into  a  period  of  abyssmal 
depression  that  was  the  more  overwhelming  in 
that  he  could  see  no  guiding  streak  of  light  in 
the  completeness  of  his  darkness. 

He  had  failed  to  impress.  There  was  no  doubt 
on  that  score.  And  as  his  moral  education,  by 
sharp  processes,  began  to  be  accomplished,  he 
himself  began  curiously  enough,  to  lose  the  zest 
for  the  ways  and  distinction  of  complete  man 
hood  and  to  long  wistfully,  unbeknownst  of  his 
comrades,  for  the  simple  frolics  of  a  mere  boy. 

The  trouble  was  that  he  was  always  an  out 
sider.  He  perceived  it  despairingly  as  he  per 
ceived  the  vital  truth,  that  a  night  feast  on  in- 

[227] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

digestible  tinned  food  and  dyspeptic  root  beer 
was  still  a  banquet  and  a  banquet  that  needed 
no  more  fortunate  patron. 

When  Turkey  Reiter  had  indiscreetly  informed 
him  that  his  fatal  drawback  was  the  reputation 
for  billions,  he  spoke  the  truth,  and  he  might 
have  added  that  every  billionaire  in  such  an  as 
semblage  is  held  to  be  impossible,  dudified  and 
deserving  of  hard  labor,  until  he  has  removed 
the  burden  of  suspicion. 

Now  the  Uncooked  Beefsteak  could  not  com 
prehend  this  truth  —  he  debated  it,  he  meditated 
long  thereupon  in  solitary  tramps,  he  tried  to 
comprehend  it ;  but  the  traditions  of  his  first  six 
teen  years  were  too  strong.  It  could  not  be  so.  It 
could  not  be  that  a  generous  open  purse,  a  purse 
waiting  to  be  called  upon  for  the  multifarious 
enjoyments  of  those  he  chose  to  signal  out  as  his 
friends,  could  be  a  handicap.  His  theory  could 
not  be  wrong,  the  blunder  must  have  lain  in  in 
discreet  application.  Some  way  there  must  be 
to  win  popularity  and  stop  the  humiliating  and 
menial  services  to  which  he  was  daily  condemned 
by  his  paternally  solicitous  housemates.  For, 
unable  to  perceive  the  larger  good,  the  Beefsteak 

[228] 


THE  LAMB  RETREATS 

could  see  no  useful  purpose  to  be  served  in  this 
course  in  primitive  tailoring,  complete  house 
work,  and  general  boot-blacking. 

At  times  the  House  relented,  hoping  that  the 
lesson  had  been  learned.  Unfortunately,  Skin 
ner  could  not  seize  the  subtle  class  distinctions 
which  forbade  him,  a  mere  bag  of  money,  a  non- 
combatant,  what  was  permitted  to  the  nobility 
of  muscle  and  brain. 

Of  a  consequence,  no  sooner  was  the  ban  lifted 
than  he  became  familiar  instead  of  humble, 
boastful  instead  of  inquiring,  pushing  instead  of 
thankfully  receptive,  and  given  to  using  nick 
names,  which  were  reserved  for  those  who  had 
progressed  to  the  second  degree.  Upon  which, 
the  House  would  convene  and  agree  that  the 
Beefsteak  was  still  unfit  for  human  inter 
course  and  assign  him  back  to  the  boots  and  the 
clothes  brush. 

Now,  in  about  the  tenth  period  of  this  recur 
rent  discipline,  the  Beefsteak  had  suddenly  a 
brilliant  idea.  The  Easter  recess  was  approach 
ing, —  he  would  invite  Macnooder  to  spend  the 
week  with  him  at  his  father's  hotel  and  by  daz 
zling  him  with  its  splendor  and  magnificence, 

[229] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
awaken  him  to  a  proper  sense  of  the  Skinner  im 
portance. 

The  result  steadied  him  in  his  wavering  belief 
in  the  theory  of  the  supremacy  of  capital.  Not 
only  was  there  an  instant  somersault  on  Mac- 
nooder's  part,  a  change  accomplished  between 
the  blacking  of  one  boot  and  the  withdrawal  of 
the  other,  but  the  effect  in  the  House  was  elec 
trical. 

Half  an  hour  after  Macnooder  had  received 
the  invitation,  the  Triumphant  Egghead  smil 
ingly  appeared  in  the  Beefsteak's  room,  with  a 
genial  manner. 

"  Hello,  Monte,  old  boy,  not  studying,  are 
you?" 

"  Come  in,"  said  the  Beefsteak,  chuckling  in 
wardly. 

"  What  a  perfectly  corking  room,  a  peach- 
erino !  "  said  the  Egghead,  surveying  for  the  first 
times  the  walls  decorated  with  photographs  of 
certain  theatrical  ladies,  who  adorned  but  did 
not  elevate  the  stage,  and  chromos  of  national 
bruisers  in  boxing  tights. 

"  You  like  it?"  said  Skinner  carelessly. 

"  And  gee !     Look  at  the  Dottie-Dimple  Toes ! 
[230] 


THE  LAMB  RETEEATS 
you    don't    know    all    these    fairies,    do 
you?  " 

"  I'll  put  you  next  to  any  of  them,"  said  Skin 
ner,  relapsing  into  the  past. 

"  Gee,  I'd  like  to  meet  a  real  live  actress,"  said 
the  Triumphant  Egghead,  slyly  approaching  his 
opportunity. 

At  this  moment  the  door  opened  and  the  Wala- 
doo  Bird  came  hastily  in.  The  Triumphant  Egg 
head  shot  him  a  furious  glance  which  was  re 
turned  by  one  of  suspicion  and  envy. 

Then  the  Waladoo  Bird,  giant  of  the  football 
eleven,  sat  down  and,  smiling  on  Skinner,  said 
with  directness: 

"  Say,  Monte,  I've  got  to  get  a  couple  of  suits 
bitten  out  for  me  in  New  York.  You  know  the 
whole  dressing  game  from  A  to  Z.  Give  me  a 
couple  of  pointers  on  what's  the  real  thing.  Look 
over  my  style  of  beauty  and  put  me  on.  And 
say,  what's  the  best  hotel  to  stop  at?  " 

The  Waladoo  Bird  understood  but  one  method 
of  attack  and  that  was  a  mass  through  the  cen 
ter  of  the  line.  But  at  this  moment  the  door 
swung  the  third  time  and  the  Tennessee  Shad  en 
tered,  slightly  out  of  breath,  with  a  glance  at  the 

[231] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
two  visitors  that  sought  to  seize  on  the  instant 
if  he  had  been  forestalled.  Close  on  his  heels 
came  Dennis  de  Brian  de  Boru  Finnegan,  who 
beat  to  the  threshold  the  Gutter  Pup  and  Lovely 
Mead. 

That  night  the  Uncooked  Beeksteak,  who  had 
been  watched  since  luncheon  by  those  who  were 
most  concerned  in  watching  one  another,  went 
off  to  sleep  more  thoroughly  happy  than  he  had 
been  in  months.  He  had  played  the  trump  card 
and  the  stakes  were  his.  No  more  would  he 
lighten  the  burdens  of  Klondike,  the  Ethiopian, 
no  more  would  he  bend  in  servile  postures  over 
the  oozing  muddy  boots  of  striplings  in  knicker 
bockers,  no  more  would  he  listen  in  enforced  iso 
lation  to  the  whispered  merriment  of  distant 
feasts;  he  would  select  with  a  ruthless  and  dis 
tinguishing  finger  his  guests  among  the  elite  of 
his  comrades ;  there  should  be  a  week  of  princely 
entertainment  and  then  he  would  return,  one  of 
the  chosen,  a  member  of  the  creme  de  la  cr&ne. 

At  the  same  time  Macnooder  was  saying  ex 
citedly  to  the  Tennessee  Shad. 

"  See  here,  I've  got  the  inside  track  —  the 
Beefsteak  will  invite  anyone  I  say." 

[232] 


THE  LAMB  RETREATS 

"  Little  social  secretary,  eh?  " 

"  Shut  up.  Do  you  know  what  I'm  going  to 
do?  I'm  going  to  sell  excursion  tickets,  good 
for  one  week  at  the  Regal  Hotel,  all  expenses 
paid,  and  I'm  going  to  soak  each  gazebo  ten  fat 
young  plunks." 

"  Doc,  it's  glorious,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad, 
"you  certainly  will  own  Fifth  Avenue.  But 
say  how  much  longer  do  you  think  we  can  go 
on  excavating  in  this  here  Beefsteak  mine." 

"  Very,  very  little.  That's  why  we'll  play  this 
for  a  lalapazooza !  " 

"  The  trouble  is  we  have  assumed  a  moral 
attitude  towards  Monte,"  said  the  Tennessee 
Shad  regretfully.  "  We  are  loosening  his  gold 
rocks  but  we  are  educating  him." 

"  Yes,  and  when  we  get  him  educated  and  a 
proper  self-respecting  citizen  —  he'll  be  ungrate 
ful." 

"  I  fear  so  —  I  fear  me  much." 

"  On  to  the  Regal  Hotel !  " 

"  On,  Doc,  on !  " 

About  three  o'clock  in  the  afternoon  of  the 
opening  of  the  Easter  vacation  there  debarked 

[233] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
at  the  Cortlandt  Street  terminal  of  the  Pennsyl 
vania  Kailroad  a  party  of  five  in  close  marching 
order,  consisting  of  Macnooder  and  Dennis  de 
Brian  de  Boru  Finnegan  in  advance,  the  Wala- 
doo  Bird  and  the  Tennessee  Shad  supporting 
the  center  and  the  Triumphant  Egghead  guard 
ing  the  rear. 

"  Halt/'  said  Macnooder. 

"What  for?" 

"  We  must  consult.  How  shall  we  approach 
the  Regal  Hotel?  On  foot,  in  a  swiftly  moving 
trolley,  or  drawn  by  prancing  horses?  " 

"  Hire  a  hack,  of  course,"  said  the  Triumphant 
Egghead,  who  represented  society.  "  You  can't 
enter  a  hotel  on  foot." 

"Why  not?"  said  Finnegan. 

"  It  isn't  done." 

"  Eats,  I'm  for  hoofing  it.  Show  me  the 
sights  of  Broadway  and  all  that  sort  of  thing." 

"  You're  a  hayseed  and  a  jayhawker,"  said 
the  Triumphant  Egghead. 

"  Don't  let's  quarrel  yet,"  said  the  Tennessee 
Shad  soothingly,  "  I've  only  got  sixty  cents  and 
I  vote  for  the  elevated." 

"  I  think  a  barouche  is  an  unnecessary  ex- 
[234] 


THE  LAMB  RETREATS 

pense,"  said  Macnooder,  who  calculated  on  the 
Triumphant  Egghead's  buying  the  carriage. 

At  this  moment  the  Waladoo  Bird  was  dis 
covered  filling  his  pockets  with  peanuts. 

"  Merciful  heavens,"  exclaimed  the  Egghead 
in  horror.  "You  ignoramus,  what  are  you  do 
ing?  » 

"  Eating  peanuts,''  said  the  Waladoo  Bird, 
suiting  the  action  to  the  word. 

"  Are  you  going  through  New  York  scattering 
shells  like  an  Italian?" 

"  I  am,"  said  the  Waladoo  Bird  who  had  the 
Western  contempt  for  the  abode  of  the  uncon- 
victed  rich. 

"  I  won't  be  seen  with  you." 

«  Don't." 

"  If  he  is  determined,"  said  Macnooder  medi 
tatively,  "  he  had  better  work  it  off.  Let's  walk." 

The  Triumphant  Egghead  immediately  engaged 
a  coach  and  hid  himself  in  the  company  of  the 
Tennessee  Shad,  whose  exertions  were  always 
mental. 

The  Waladoo  Bird,  flinging  out  peanut  shells 
with  the  regularity  of  a  thrashing  machine, 
strode  defiantly,  flanked  by  Dennis,  who  stepped 

[235] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
from  corner  to  corner  to  buy  an  extra,  and  Mae- 
iiooder  who  showed  a  lively  interest  in  the  new 
attractions  in  the  shop  windows. 

A  matter  of  a  block  behind,  at  a  patient  walk, 
came  the  hired  coach  from  the  recesses  of  which 
the  Triumphant  Egghead  gazed  upon  the  offen 
ders  with  wrath  and  disgust. 

"  I  wonder  what  he  thinks  this  Begal  Hotel 
is?  "  he  said  furiously.  "  An  actor's  boarding 
house?" 

"  I  know  for  a  fact,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad 
to  soothe  and  comfort  him,  "  that  the  Waladoo 
Bird  had  only  two  dollar's  and  thirty  cents." 

"  Awful  funny,  ha !  ha !  "  said  the  Egghead, 
who  was  in  no  mood  for  humor. 

"  He  must  get  filled  up  sometime." 

"  If  he  don't,  it's  all  off.     Do  you  think  I'm 
going  to  march  into  the  foyer  of  the  classiest  ; 
thing  in  New  York  with  an  elephant  ten  feet  \ 
high  cracking  peanuts?  " 

"  How  far  is  it  uptown?  " 

"  Five  or  six  miles." 

"  He  ought  to  get  away  with  an  awful  lot  of 
nuts  by  then,"  said  the  Shad,  who  began  to  share  1 
his  anxiety.     "  So  this  hotel  is  rather  flossy?  " 

[236] 


THE  LAMB  EETEEATS 

"  The  flossiest/' 

"  Lots  of  gilt  and  red  plush  and  all  that  sort 
of  thing." 

"  Sure." 

"What's  the  fodder  like?" 

"  The  cuisine/'  said  the  Egghead  elegantly, 
a  is  the  most  fashionable  in  the  city." 

"  But  the  Beefsteak  sets  up  for  the  grub  ?  " 

"  Yes,  you  chump." 

"Everything  we  get  away  with?" 

«  Sure." 

"  Perhaps  if  the  Waladoo  Bird  knew  that  he 
would  ease  up." 

The  announcement,  in  fact,  produced  a  de 
cided  sensation.  The  Waladoo  Bird  finished 
the  last  handful  outside  the  carriage  at  the 
peremptory  challenge  of  the  Egghead  and  then 
jarred  the  carriage  springs  while  Finnegan  made 
the  common  demand  for  a  show  of  speed. 

When  Montague  Skinner,  moving  restlessly 
in  the  ante-room  of  the  Regal  Hotel,  beheld  the 
arrival  of  the  overloaded  coach,  he  was  quite 
touched  by  the  cordiality  of  the  greeting  he  re 
ceived. 

"  Leave  it  to  me,"  he  said,  intervening  be- 
[237] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
tween  the  reluctant  purse  of  the  Triumphant 
Egghead  and  the  grinning  coachman.  Then  with 
an  ease  that  made  the  Waladoo  Bird  stiffen  up 
and  take  notice,  he  summoned  a  footman  and 
said,  "  Charles,  see  what  the  fare  is  and  have 
the  office  attend  to  it." 

"  Here,  I  say !  "  began  the  Egghead,  with  not 
too  much  resistance. 

"  Oh !  now,  Monte,  this  is  ours !  "  said  Mac- 
nooder  more  emphatically  as  he  perceived  an 
absence  of  danger. 

"  No/7  said  the  Beefsteak  finally,  but  with  the 
lightness  that  such  a  triviality  merited.  "  From 
now  on  you  are  my  guests." 

The  Tennessee  Shad,  who  had  sixty  cents,  ex 
changed  a  glance  of  delirious  joy  with  the  Wala 
doo  Bird  who  had  a  two-dollar  bill,  and,  being 
thrown  together  in  their  voyage  toward  the  ele 
vator,  whispered : 

"  It  looks  good  to  me." 

"  It  certainly  does." 

"  No  expenses." 

"None  at  all." 

At  this  moment  the  Waladoo  Bird  was  over 
whelmed  by  a  fearful  thought. 

[238] 


THE  LAMB  RETREATS 

"  I  say,  he's  got  the  bags." 

"Who's  got  them?" 

"  The  Buttons." 

"Well,  what  of  it?" 

"  We'll  have  to  tip  him." 

"Well,  tip  him!" 

"  I've  only  got  a  two-dollar  bill  and  a  nickel/' 
said  the  Waladoo  Bird  in  a  worried  whisper. 

The  Tennessee  Shad  nervously  shifted  his  sixty 
cents  to  an  inner  recess,  maliciously  enjoying  the 
confusion  of  the  giant,  who  was  wondering  un 
easily  whether  the  elevator  man  would  expect 
to  be  recompensed. 

Macnooder,  Finnegan  and  the  Triumphant 
Egghead  were  escorted  to  their  quarters  by 
Skinner  after  leaving  the  Waladoo  Bird  and  the 
Tennessee  Shad  in  the  adjoining  room  assigned 
them. 

The  Buttons,  having  deposited  the  bags,  was 
languidly  busy  straightening  the  window  cur 
tains  and  shifting  the  chairs  with  that  perfect 
expectant  manner  that  is  instinctive  with  those 
whose  fortunate  mission  in  life  is  to  be  tipped. 

"  What'll  I  give  him?  "  said  the  Waladoo  Bird 
in  a  muffled  roar. 

[239] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  How  do  I  know?  " 

"  I  can't  give  him  a  nickel." 

"  Never !  " 

"  I  say  lend  me  a  half  a  dollar." 

"  Can't,  Macnooder's  got  my  purse." 

The  Waladoo  Bird,  who  had  faced  the  Prince 
ton  Varsity  without  a  tremor,  quailed  before  the 
spruce  representative  of  bell  boys.  For  a 
moment  his  fingers  hesitated  over  the  plebeian 
nickel  and  then  blushing  with  combined  rage 
and  embarrassment,  he  blurted  out:  "Here  — 
take  this." 

And  he  thrust  upon  him  the  two  dollar  bill. 

The  Tennessee  Shad,  who  had  the  profound- 
est  respect  for  capital,  was  furious. 

"  You  jackass,  what  did  you  do  that  for?  " 

"  I  had  to  give  him  something,  didn't  I?  " 

"  Yes,  but,  Holy  Cats,  you  can  buy  a  bell  boy 
for  two  dollars !  " 

"Well,  what  was  I  to  do?"  said  the  Waladoo 
Bird,  who  clutching  his  last  nickel,  began  to  feel 
the  despairing  loneliness  of  one  who  is  stranded 
in  the  great  city. 

"  Do,  you  blockhead  ?  Ask  him  to  get  you 
some  change." 

[240] 


THE  LAMB  RETREATS 

"  Ask  him  — "  said  the  Waladoo  Bird  in 
stupid  amazement.  "  Well,  why  in  thunder 
didn't  you  tell  me?  " 

"  Humph !  Thought  you'd  been  weaned  from 
the  bottle,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad,  who  now 
felt  a  sense  of  personal  loss. 

"  Well,  by  gravy,  I'll  do  it  now,"  said  the  Wala 
doo  Bird,  bolting  into  his  coat. 

"  Hold  up!     What  are  you  going  to  do? " 

"  I'm  going  to  track  that  young  highwayman 
down  and  shake  it  out  of  him ! " 

"  Hold  up !     You  can't  do  that." 

"  Can't  I?    Just  watch  me !  " 

"  Hold  up !     You'll  make  a  social  blunder !  " 

"Beans!" 

When  the  Triumphant  Egghead  with  Macnoo- 
der  and  Finnegan  entered  the  room  they  found 
the  Tennessee  Shad  in  an  attitude  of  deep  de 
jection  with  one  ear  trained  for  the  outburst  of 
an  expected  cyclone. 

"What  in  blazes  is  the  matter?"  said  Mac- 
nooder.  "  And  where  is  the  WTaladoo  Bird?  " 

The  Tennessee  Shad  explained. 

"  My  aunt's  cat's  pants,  that  is  awful !  "  said 
the  Triumphant  Egghead,  with  a  shiver. 

[241] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  Wriggling  snakes,  what  do  you  suppose  he's 
doing?  " 

"  He'll  smash  the  crockery !  " 

"  Had  we  better  tell  the  Beefsteak?  " 

"  Never ! " 

"  Why  the  deuce  didn't  you  look  after  him?  " 

"What  do  you  expect?-'  said  the  Tennessee 
Shad  aggrieved,  "  Do  I  look  like  a  tug-of-war 
team?" 

"  This  is  awful,"  said  the  Triumphant  Egg 
head,  wiping  his  forehead. 

The  door  opened,  and  the  Waladoo  Bird 
plumped  in. 

"Did  you  get  him?"  said  the  five  in 
chorus. 

"  Get  him?  "  said  the  Waladoo  Bird  in  a  rage. 
"  Why,  there  are  one  hundred  and  fifty  bell  hops 
below,  all  hopping  around,  and  every  mother's 
son  of  them  looks  alike!  Say,  what  color  hair 
did  that  pirate  of  ours  have?  " 

The  Tennessee  Shad  promptly  forgot. 

"  Look  here,  boy !  "  said  the  Triumphant  Egg 
head.  "  This  will  never  do.  You'll  queer  the 
whole  bunch." 

"  I  gave  him  two  dollars/'  said  the  Waladoo 
[242] 


THE  LAMB  RETREATS 

Bird,  sitting  down  with  a  crash  that  brought  a 
groan  from  the  light  furniture. 

"  And  don't  go  making  a  wood  pile  of  every 
thing  you  sit  on !  " 

"  What's  wrong?  " 

"  You.  You're  wrong.  You're  not  fit  to  come 
into  the  parlor.  A  nice  time  we'll  have  with  you. 
Didn't  you  ever  see  a  hotel  before?  " 

"  Are  you  speaking  to  me?  "  said  the  Waladoo 
Bird,  rising. 

When  the  altercation  had  subsided,  another 
serious  question  arose. 

"  Where'll  we  dine?  "  said  Finnegan,  who  had 
been  coached.  "  Supposin'  we  grub  with  the 
Beefsteak  —  private  dining  room,  special  dishes 
and  all  that  sort  of  thing." 

"  I  vote  for  down  stairs,''  said  the  Waladoo 
Bird,  who  had  been  put  in  a  contrary  humor. 

"Why?" 

"  I  want  to  get  a  chance  at  a  real  bang-up 
menu." 

"  And  I  vote  to  put  this  guy  in  seclusion !  " 

The  Waladoo  Bird  gave  the  Egghead  an  evil 
look  and  was  about  to  reply  when  Macnooder 
suavely  arose. 

[343] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  The  Waladoo  Bird  is  quite  right,  we  will  dine 
in  public/' 

"  Everyone  will  be  dressed  to  kill." 

"  Then  we  shall  be  taken  for  Western  million 
aires.  But  —  I  say,  but  —  we  are  going  to  pull 
off  this  thing  in  classy  style." 

"No  social  blunders,"  said  the  Tennessee 
Shad. 

"  And  no  trying  to  split  the  menu,"  said  the 
Triumphant  Egghead. 

"  We  will  pick  out  the  daintiest  dishes,"  said 
Macnooder,  trying  the  power  of  suggestion  on 
the  Waladoo  Bird,  "the  recherche,  expensive 
dishes,  and  we  will  take  little  careless  dabs  at 
them." 

"  Fine ! "  said  the  others,  with  the  unique 
exception  of  the  Waladoo  Bird. 

"  To-morrow  we'll  rip  the  stuffing  out  of  the 
bill  of  fare,  we'll  mangle  it,  we'll  blow  holes  in 
it,  tear  it  up  the  back  and  drive  it  to  its  corner !  " 

"  To-morrow ! " 

"  To-morrow !  But  to-night  we'll  go  down  in  a 
bored  sort  of  way.  Well  put  up  an  awful  bluff, 
tired  of  caviar  and  nightingales'  tongues  and 
all  that  sort  of  thing.  We've  got  to  keep  the 

[244] 


THE  LAMB  EETEEATS 

Beefsteak  in  his  pla*e  —  remember  that !  Show 
him  we're  old  birds." 

"  Bighto,"  said  everyone ;  that  is,  everyone  ex 
cept  the  Waladoo  Bird. 

"  Just  take  a  nibble  here  and  there  and  then 
push  the  plate  away,"  said  Finnegan,  wishing 
to  be  helpful. 

"Kighto!" 

"  And  stretch  your  arms  and  yawn  in  a  high 
bred  classy  sort  of  way." 

"  You  chump !  "  said  the  Triumphant  Egghead. 
"Where  have  you  been  brought  up?  " 

"  The  last  suggestion  is  now  withdrawn,"  said 
Finnegan  modestly. 

"  Now,  we're  all  agreed,"  said  Macnooder, 
with  an  expanding  smile.  "  Our  object  is  to 
take  the  wind  right  out  of  the  Beefsteak's  sails 
—  to  show  him  what !  Nothing  but  short  sprints 
to-night,  all  long  distance  records  postponed  un 
til  to-morrow." 

"  All  right !  "  said  the  majority,  minus  one. 


The  dinner  passed  without  any  exhibition  of 
Gargantuan  powers  on  the  part  of  the  Waladoo 
Bird,  but  this  was  due  to  110  surrender  to  so- 

[345] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
cial  prejudices,  but  to  the  fact  that,  placed  as  he 
was  to  command  a  view  of  the  foyer,  his  whole 
attention  was  concentrated  on  the  perplexing 
passage  of  flitting  bell  boys. 

The  Uncooked  Beefsteak  was  slightly  disap 
pointed  by  the  reticence  of  his  guests,  but  this 
sentiment  was  soon  lost  in  the  blissful  enjoy 
ment  of  his  new  social  footing.  Nothing,  in 
fact,  could  have  been  more  delightfully  intimate 
than  their  bearing  towards  him.  He  was  not 
simply  a  patron, —  he  was  one  of  them. 

He  took  them  to  the  theater,  in  a  box,  to  a 
vaudeville  performance  over  which  a  year  ago 
he  would  have  yawned  himself  weary.  To  his 
amazement,  he  found  himself  caught  up  in  the 
general  hilarity,  wildly  applauding  slap-stick 
comedians  that  caused  Dennis  de  Brian  de  Born 
to  weep  for  joy.  He  applauded !  He  had  never 
done  such  a  thing  beforer  He  actually  stamped 
his  feet  and  rattled  his  cane,  demanding  renewed 
encores.  And  when  the  show  was  over  and  the 
Tennessee  Shad  proposed  that  instead  of  divid 
ing  into  two  cabs,  henceforth,  whenever  they 
went  they  should\all  crowd  into  one  and  send  an 
empty  cab  before  them  as  a  sort  of  guard  of 

[246] 


THE  LAMB  EETREATS 

honor,  lie  gleefully  embraced  the  idea  and  bal 
anced  on  the  bony  ridges  of  the  Tennessee  Shad, 
waving  his  hat  to  the  crowds  of  Broadway  with 
the  zest  of  restored  youth. 

When,  late  at  night,  after  the  Waladoo  Bird 
had  consumed  a  terrifying  number  of  oysters 
and  Finnegan  had  eaten  three  welsh  rabbits, 
Skinner  had  seen  his  guests  to  their  rooms,  he 
returned  gorgeously  to  his  private  suite. 

Bucks,  the  confidential  valet,  was  in  wait. 

"How  do  Bucks?  How  are  you?"  he  said 
languidly. 

"  Thank  you,  sir.  It's  good  to  see  you  back, 
sir." 

"  The  old  boarding-house  is  still  doing  a  fat 
young  business?"  said  Skinner,  surrendering 
his  coat  and  falling  into  the  vernacular  of  the 
admired  Turkey  Keiter. 

"  I  beg  pardon,  sir !  Oh !  Yes,  sir,"  said 
Bucks,  momentarily  mystified,  "  I  hope  you  en 
joy  the  school,  sir?" 

"  It  is  wonderful,  Bucks,  wonderful.  Glo 
rious  times !  Glorious  fellows !  " 

"  That  Mr.  Walader,  sir,  certainly  is  some 
thing  of  a  man,"  said  Bucks,  with  great  respect. 

[247] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  He  could  wipe  the  ground  up  with  any  cop 
in  New  York,"  said  Skinner  stoutly.  "  And  at 
that  you  ought  to  see  P.  Lentz.  He  weighs 
two  hundred  and  sixty." 

Here  the  telephone  began  to  buzz  angrily. 

"  Hello,"  said  Skinner,  going  to  it. 

"  Hello.  Is  that  you,  Monte,  old  boy?  "  said 
the  excited  voice  of  the  Tennessee  Shad. 

"  Yes,  here  I  am." 

"  Say,  look  here,  the  Waladoo  Bird  has  gone 
clean  through  his  bed !  " 

"What?" 

"  Punctured  a  hole  clean  through  it !  Say,  fix 
him  up,  will  you?  He's  in  mine  now!  " 

"All  right,"  said  Skinner,  who,  turning  from 
the  telephone  announced  with  pride,  "  What  do 
you  think  of  that?  He's  slashed  the  bed,  Bucks 
—  couldn't  hold  him!  See  to  it,  will  you?  " 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"  Get  something  very  solid." 

"Yes,  sir." 

"  One  of  those  things  they  rig  up  for  cattle 
kings." 

"Certainly,  sir." 

When  the  noiseless  valet  had  slipped  away, 
[248] 


THE  LAMB  EETEEATS 

Skinner  stood  a  moment  in  contemplation  of  tlie 
glorious  feat. 

"  By  George !  "  he  exclaimed,  "  Won't  old 
King  Lentz  be  wild  when  he  hears  of  it  —  he's 
only  smashed  a  football.  The  Waladoo  Bird  is 
a  wonder.  By  George,  I  never  had  a  better  time 
in  my  life!  Gee,  what  a  difference  though  it 
makes  when  you  once  get  in !  " 

Then  he  sat  down  very  seriously  on  the  edge 
of  his  fragrant  bed,  staring  at  the  toes  that 
peeped  forth  from  the  gorgeous  lavender  silk 
pajamas. 

"  By  George !  "  he  said  suddenly,  with  a  great 
moral  resolve.  "  I  know  what  I'll  do.  I'll  hire 
a  tutor  I  will!  I'll  slave  all  summer.  But  I'll 
get  to  college  with  that  bunch  or  I'll  injure  my 
health!" 

When  the  stage  had  lumbered  away  after  de 
positing  the  last  returned  convict,  the  inmates 
of  the  Dickinson  House,  exhausted  and  sleep 
less  after  that  Easter  period  which  the  curricu 
lum  still  persists  in  ascribing  to  rest  and  recu 
peration,  foregathered  once  more  on  the  steps 
and  the  young  green  banks  in  lively  discussion. 

[249] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

The  Uncooked  Beefsteak  from  his  room  di 
rectly  above,  looked  down  with  satisfaction, 
pausing  in  the  process  of  arranging  three  new 
resplendent  vests  It  had  been  a  never-to-be-for 
gotten  week.  His  hospitality  had  gone  beyond 
the  limits  where  even  a  prince  might  hesitate. 
If  there  was  a  dish  on  the  Hotel  Regal  public 
menu  that  Finnegan,  Macnooder  and  the  Wala- 
doo  Bird  had  not  contended  with,  it  was  solely 
because  the  season  outlawed  it.  They  had 
neglected  not  a  single  theater,  riding  to  and  fro 
always  with  an  empty  cab  ahead  as  an  outrider. 
The  totalled  record  of  meals  consumed  and 
carriages  provided  had  made  Skinner,  pater, 
blink  with  amazement  and  there  had  been  a  few 
words  on  the  subject,  including  a  cash  offer  if 
the  visit  could  possibly  be  abbreviated. 

But  this  was  pure  inconsequential  persiflage 
and  had  been  silenced  at  once  by  the  announce 
ment  of  Montague's  highly  virtuous  intention  to 
secure  a  college  education. 

The  Beefsteak,  fondly  secure  of  the  affections 
of  his  late  guests,  brazenly  deployed  an  array 
of  theatric  neckwear  where  it  would  most  daz 
zle  and  astound. 

Of  course,  he  had  that  admiration  for  the 
[250] 


THE  LAMB  RETREATS 

Waladoo  Bird,  that  d'Artagnan  entertained  for 
Porthos,  Dennis  de  Brian  de  Born  fascinated  him 
and  the  Tennessee  Shad  moved  him  to  envy  with 
the  dark  and  devious  strategy  of  his  mind.  But, 
after  all,  it  was  Macnooder,  the  financier,  and  the 
Triumphant  Egghead,  the  representative  of  so 
ciety,  who  really  stirred  his  heart  strings,  and 
they  should  be  his  special  cronies,  singled  out 
from  the  multitude. 

He  finished  the  task  of  sorting  his  marvelous 
wardrobe,  and  yielding  to  an  impulse,  boldly 
arrayed  himself  in  his  latest  tailored  creation, 
a  noticeable  concoction  in  large  brown  and 
green  squares.  He  surveyed  with  genteel  pride 
the  thin  perfect  line  of  the  red  silk  necktie,  pass 
ing  his  hand  over  the  speckled  vest  with  large 
white  buttons.  He  liked  to  dress  well,  in  per 
fect  taste,  yet  with  distinction,  and  now  at  last 
he  dared  gratify  this  taste. 

Secure  as  a  Braddock,  in  his  complacent  con 
fidence,  he  went  down  the  steps  and  burst  in  full 
vision  upon  the  group. 

"  Well,  old  gazebos,"  said  the  Beefsteak,  throw 
ing  back  the  sides  of  his  coat,  peacock  fashion, 
"  How  do  you  like  the  spring  styles?  " 

Turkey  Reiter  looked  at  Doc  Macnooder  and 
[251] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
sadly  shook  his  head,  while  in  the  group  an  omi 
nous  silence  began  to  spread. 

The  Uncooked  Beefsteak,  all  unaware,  saun 
tered  down  to  a  position  beside  the  Triumphant 
Egghead  and  clapped  him  on  the  shoulder. 

"  Egghead,  old  sporting  life,  tell  the  multitude 
about  the  classy  food  I  corralled  for  you." 

Then  spoke  Turkey  Reiter,  the  czar,  solemnly : 

"  Beefsteak,  there  is  a  pair  of  old  muddy  boots, 
standing  right  in  front  of  my  washstand.  The 
mud  is  rather  hard  and  doesn't  improve  the  boots 
a  bit.  Better  go  up  now  —  quietly  —  and  see 
what  you  can  do  with  them." 

"  What !  "  said  the  Beefsteak,  every  hair  of  his 
head  starting  up  with  horror. 

"  Take  great  care  of  them,"  said  Turkey  Reiter 
softly.  "  They  are  niy  favorite  boots." 

"  You  don't  mean  it !  "  said  the  Beefsteak,  turn 
ing  desperately  to  Macnooder,  "  Oh,  I  say !  not 
again !  " 

"  It's  for  your  own  good,  you  blasted  million 
aire,"  said  Macnooder  sadly.  "  It  hurts  us 
more  than  it  does  you." 

A  great  lump  rose  in  the  Beefsteak's  throat. 
He  turned  wildly  to  the  Triumphant  Egghead. 

[252] 


THE  LAMB  KETREATS 
"  Yes,  Macnooder  is  right/'  said  this  last  hope. 
"  We're  really  doing  you  good.  So,  Beefsteak 
when  you  finish  the  boots  up  nicely,  come  down 
on  your  tip-toes  and  brush  up  a  few  of  my  things. 
My  clothes  have  been  kept  in  such  rattling  good 
order  lately  that  I  should  hate  — " 

But  the  Beefsteak  zigzagging  in  his  walk 
had  wabbled  up  the  steps.  He  went  to  his  room 
and  sat  down,  steadying  his  head  in  his  hands. 
And  there  at  last  the  full  light  broke  over  him. 

That  evening  as  the  House  was  gathered 
for  supper,  Butcher  Stevens  suddenly  ex 
claimed  : 

"  For  the  love  of  Mike,  look  at  the  Uncooked 
Beefsteak ! " 

Around  the  corner  came  Skinner,  clad  in  an 
ill-fitting  pair  of  ink-stained  corduroy  trousers, 
a  jersey  in  place  of  the  loud  vest  and  a  slouch 
hat  over  his  eye. 

"  Merciful  heavens ! "  said  the  Triumphant 
Egghead,  with  a  shock.  "  Beefsteak,  where  did 
you  get  that  rig?  " 

"  I  traded  it,"  said  the  Uncooked  Beefsteak 
firmly.  "  Got  it  for  my  last  f  85.00  tailor  suit." 

[253] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  Dear  boy,  what  does  this  mean !  "  said  Mac- 
nooder,  with  a  horrible  misgiving. 

"  Read  that !  "  said  the  Beefsteak,  thrusting  a 
paper  on  Turkey  Keiter. 

"What  is  it?" 

"  It's  a  telegram,  I've  just  sent  home.  Go  on, 
read  it!" 

And  Turkey  Eeiter  read: 

Joshua  M.  Skinner, 
The  Regal  Hotel, 

New  York  City. 
Cut  my  allowance  to  a  dollar  a  week. 

Montague. 

"  Explain ! "  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  heart 
broken. 

"  I  will,"  said  the  Beefsteak  militantly.  "  It 
means  I  am  on,  I'm  wise.  It  means  you've  edu 
cated  me  and  I  know  my  lesson.  From  now  on 
the  bank  is  suspended.  I'll  start  even.  And 
remember  this,"  he  added,  looking  steadily  at 
Hacnooder,  "  I  may  still  be  a  Beefsteak,  but 
there's  nothing  uncooked  about  me  —  I'm  done 
to  a  crisp !  " 

[254] 


CHAPTER  X 

LAST   HISTORIC   EXPLOIT  OP  THE    FIRM 

Say  did  you  pass?     Then  set  }em  up! 

Good  work,  my  brilliant  brother. 
Say,  did  you  flunk  f     Then  pass  the  cup! 

Hard  luck!    Let's  have  another! 
It  heightens  all  the  joys  of  Greek, 

Soothes  Mathematics'  rigor, 
In  each  event  of  life  we  seek 

The  ever-flowing  jigger. 

Refrain 

The  jig,  jig,  jigger, 

™e  jig,  jig,  jigger, 

The  jig,  jig,  jigger,  the  jigger, 
But  we,  when  waves  of  trouble  roll, 
We  hie  us  to  the  jigger. 

"  For  Heaven's  sake,  shut  up,  Goat !  You're 
'way  off  the  tune,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  ir 
ritably. 

[255] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
Now,  the  Goat  knew  he  was  not  off  the  tune 
and,  likewise,  perfectly  understood  the  cause  of 
the  irritation.  Wallowing  gorgeously  on  heaped- 
up  sofa-cushions,  breathing  in  the  perfumed 
breeze  at  the  open  window,  his  chin  in  his 
hands,  he  looked  down  maliciously  to  where  the 
Tennessee  Shad,  indolently  on  his  back,  retired 
under  the  brim  of  his  sombrero,  was  nibbling  at 
the  pink-and-white  petals  that  rocked  languidly 
down.  Then,  with  malice  aforethought,  the 
Goat's  floating  tenor  resumed: 

It  cools  in  heat,  it  warms  in  cold, 

If  sick  it  can  restore  us, 
And  when  our  health  becomes  too  good, 

'Twill  fix  the  matter  for  us; 
So  eat  a  plenty  while  you're  small, 

Eat  more  when  you  are  bigger, 
And  lest  we  do  not  grow  at  all, 

Let's  take  another  jigger. 

"Chorus  now,  Shad!" 
The  jig,  jig,  jigger, 
The  jig,  jig,  jigger, 
The  jig,  jig,  jigger,  the  jigger. 
But  we,  when  waves  of  trouble  roll, 
We  hie  us  to  the  jigger. 
[256] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 

Whereupon  the  Goat,  seized  with  the  idea, 
disappeared  from  the  dormer  window  and  pres 
ently  shuffled  out  on  the  esplanade. 

"  They're  fresh  strawberry  jiggers,  Shad,"  he 
exclaimed  tantalizingly ;  "  for  the  first  time 
too." 

The  Tennessee  Shad  snored  loudly. 

"  Would  you  like  me  to  set  you  up?  "  said  the 
Goat,  frisking  as  near  as  he  dared.  "  Would 
you  like  to  forget  the  past  and  have  a  jigger  on 
me  —  would  you,  Shad?  My  hair's  long  and 
curly  now." 

The  Tennessee  Shad  was  too  wary  to  be  caught 
by  any  such  hypothetical  invitation  to  which  he 
knew  very  well  the  answer  to  his  answer;  so  he 
snored  again,  but  keeping  an  eyelid  batting  on 
the  chance  that  the  Goat  would  venture  too 
near. 

"  Strawberry  jiggers,  nice,  fresh,  creamy 
strawberry  jiggers !  "  said  his  tormentor.  "  My ! 
I'm  going  to  eat  a  dozen.  Sorry  you  don't  care 
about  ?em.  Ta-ta !  " 

The  Tennessee  Shad  opened  one  eye  and 
watched  the  Goat  go  gamboling  toward  the  vil 
lage,  as  goats  should  go  who  are  glad  to  be  alive 

[257] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

in  the  best  of  all  months,  who  have  ravenous 
appetites  and  something  jingling  in  their  pockets 
to  lay  down  on  the  counter. 

The  Tennessee  Shad  had  all  the  requisites  for 
perfect  happiness  except  the  last  —  there  was 
nothing  in  his  pockets  to  sound  musically,  not 
even  one  miserable  nickel  to  strike  against 
another.  Not  only  was  he  devoid  of  credit, 
but,  as  the  result  of  the  education  of  Beef 
steak,  of  the  Criminal  Club,  and  the  search 
for  German  measles,  he  was  not  quite  re 
stored  to  that  social  standing  which  would  war 
rant  his  approaching  a  past  victim  with  the  de 
mand  direct. 

Despite  these  incontestable  facts  which  should 
have  allowed  him  to  withdraw  under  the  spell 
of  his  philosophy,  one  disturbing,  buzzing  little 
sound  persistently  and  mockingly  persecuted 
him: 

"  Fresh  strawberry  jiggers !  '' 

Now,  there  are  three  great  epochs  in  the  an 
nual  of  the  school:  the  first  appearance  of  the 
strawberry,  the  arrival  of  the  raspberry,  and 
that  happy  moment  when  the  spoon  plunges  in 
to  the  creamy  jigger  and  strikes  upon  the  juicy 

[258] 


LAST  HISTOKIC  EXPLOIT  OP  THE  FIRM 

shreds  of  the  peach.  And,  the  greatest  of  these 
is  the  inauguration  of  the  strawberry  season. 

The  Tennessee  Shad  drew  in  his  cheeks  and 
ran  his  tongue  over  his  lips  until  he  could  bear 
it  no  longer.  He  sat  up,  blowing  the  sprinkled 
apple  blossoms  from  his  coat,  and  began  to  con 
sider  seriously. 

"  I  must  see  Doc  Macnooder,"  he  said  at 
length,  after  a  vain  examination  of  his  own  ar 
tifices.  He  stood  himself  up  by  a  process  of 
jerks  and,  acquiring  sufficient  momentum  by  his 
first  movements,  entered  the  House,  bumped 
around  the  corners  and  rubbed  his  way  to  Mac 
nooder 's  room,  where  he  gave  the  agreed  signal. 
No  answer  returning,  he  applied  his  eye  to  the 
keyhole,  and  then,  chinning  himself,  surveyed  by 
way  of  the  transom  the  deserted  bottles,  the 
stuffed  owl  and  the  dangling  dried  bats. 

"  Doc  must  be  in  the  village,"  he  said.  "  If  he 
is  in  funds  I  certainly  ought  to  be  good  for  a 
touch  there." 

For  those  who  knew  the  Tennessee  Shad  his 
gait  told  all.  When  under  the  magic  of  a  pos 
sibly  productive  idea  he  went  rapidly  in  a  bee- 
line,  his  thin  legs  seeming  to  shut  and  close  with 

[259] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
the  agility  of  a  tailor's  shears.  On  the  present 
occasion,  being  in  a  deeply-meditative  mood,  he 
went  in  little  stumbling  steps,  often  stopping  to 
change  his  stride,  scratching  his  head  and,  being 
lonely,  altering  his  stride  to  kick  along  some 
stone  larger  than  the  rest. 

In  this  mode  he  suddenly  perceived  the  plump, 
Capuchin  figure  and  round  head  of  Doc  Mac- 
nooder  sauntering  toward  him,  hands  sunk  in 
his  pockets,  his  glance  wandering  in  the  clouds. 
At  the  same  moment  Macnooder  perceived  him 
and  the  following  colloquy  ensued: 

"  Hello,  there." 

"  Hello,  yourself/7 

"  I  was  looking  for  you,  Doc." 

"  I  was  trailing  for  you." 

« 'Em  —  you  were?" 

"  I  was." 

"  That  means  you  are  strapped." 

"  You  don't  mean  to  say  you  are?  " 

"  Why,  Doc,  you're  an  old  millionaire.  I 
thought  you  — " 

"  My  money's  all  tied  up,"  said  Macnooder. 
"  Invested  in  stocks  and  that  sort  of  thing." 

"  You  were  my  last  hope,"  said  the  Tennessee 
[260] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 

Shad.  "  If  the  firm's  bust  what  are  we  going  to 
do  about  it?  We've  got  to  find  something." 

"  Let's  see  what's  doin'  first,"  said  Macnooder. 
"  Let's  reconnoiter." 

"  We  might  try  Laloo,"  said  the  Tennessee 
Shad  thoughtfully.  "  I  gave  him  the  idea  of  hot 
dugs.  He's  made  thousands  on  it." 

But  as  they  approached,  Laloo,  basking  lazily 
at  the  entrance  of  the  frankfurter  palace,  shifted 
his  toothpick  and  ominously  drew  out  a  little 
memorandum. 

The  two  stopped. 

"  There's  gratitude  for  you,"  said  the  Tennes 
see  Shad  bitterly. 

"  You  should  have  struck  a  bargain  with  him," 
said  Macnooder,  the  banker :  "  ten  per  cent  and 
your  personal  account." 

"  Shall  we  try  Appleby?  "  asked  the  Shad. 

"What's  the  use?"  replied  Macnooder. 

They  proceeded  up  the  leafy  street  to  where, 
before  the  jigger  shop,  a  score  of  ravenous  boys 
were  clinking  their  spoons  against  their  glasses. 
In  front  a  huge  placard  announced: 

FRESH  STRAWBERRY  JIGGERS 

"  Let's   work    the    Hickey   Flimflam    on    the 
[261] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
bunch,"  said    the  Tennessee    Shad,    perceiving 
Turker  Reiter,  the  Goat,  Butcher  Stevens  and 
the  Gutter  Pup, 

"  All  right  —  I'm  desperate,"  said  Macnooder 
under  his  breath ;  "  but  wait  till  Turkey  Reiter 
clears  out.  He's  on." 

"  Turkey's  a  square  sport,"  said  the  Shad ;  "  he 
Avouldn't  give  it  away." 

They  reached  the  crowd  on  the  steps  and 
saluted. 

"Pretty  good,  eh?" 

"  You  bet  your  sweet  life !  " 

"  Nothing  like  the  strawberry,  is  there?  " 

"Um-um!" 

"  How's  the  supply  hold  out?  " 

"  Say,  Doc,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad,  closing 
one  eye  and  cocking  his  head  toward  the  counter 
where  APs  steely  glance  was  turned  upon  them, 
"  do  you  think,  could  you  be  persuaded  —  eh, 
what?  " 

"What,  again?'9  cried  Doc  in  simulated  as 
tonishment. 

AFs  eye  opened  and  his  finger  stole  softly 
across  his  politician's  mustache,  as  he  bent  for 
ward  the  better  to  listen. 

"  Oh,  come  on !     There's  always  room  for  an- 
[262] 


LAST  HISTOKIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIKM 
other,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad.  "  Just  to  be 
sociable." 

"  Why,  you  old  gormandizer !  "  said  Macnoo- 
der.  "You'll  swell  up  and  bust!" 

"Then  you  won't?" 

"  You  bet  I  won't ! "  said  Macnooder,  loosen 
ing  his  belt.  "  And  you're  a  bigger  fool  than  I 
took  you  for  if  you  do.  However,  go  ahead  and 
commit  suicide  if  you  want !  " 

"  Well,  I  guess  I  won't,"  said  the  Shad  softly, 
slipping  his  belt  to  an  easier  hole  and  sitting 
down.  "  I  just  wanted  to  be  sociable,  that's 
all." 

They  ensconced  themselves  in  the  group,  chat 
ting  aimlessly  for  a  quarter  of  an  hour,  with  sur 
feited  unconsciousness  of  the  melting  jiggers 
that  circulated  beneath  their  noses. 

Finally,  it  being  his  turn  to  treat,  the  Beef 
steak,  in  fancied  security,  maliciously  addressed 
Doc  Macnooder. 

"How  about  it,  Doc?" 

Macnooder  emitted  a  long  whistle  and  said  in 
differently  :  "  I  oughtn't  to,  but  if  the  Shad  will 
take  one,  too,  I'll  be  sociable." 

"  Only  a  single,  Doc,"  said  the  Tennessee 
Shad ;  "  I  couldn't  eat  any  more  —  I  couldn't." 

[263] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

The  Beefsteak,  who  not  for  the  world  would 
have  offered  to  treat  had  he  believed  them  raven 
ous  and  destitute,  once  persuaded  that  further 
jiggers  might  be  accompanied  by  physical  pain 
and  exertion,  insisted  maliciously. 

"How  about  it,  Shad?"  said  Doc.  "Come 
along,  be  sociable." 

The  Tennessee  Shad  in  turn  drew  a  long 
breath. 

"  Oh,  very  well,"  he  said,  "  but  only  a  single/' 

Al,  in  the  act  of  filling  the  glasses,  stopped  and 
looked  long  at  the  Tennessee  Shad. 

"  Now,  what's  the  game?  "  he  said  to  himself. 

The  Tennessee  Shad  looked  indifferently  into 
the  coveted  glass,  stirred  the  solitary  jigger  a 
little  with  the  spoon,  nibbled  without  appetite 
and  relapsed  into  conversation. 

"  Say,  Shad,  I'd  like  to  bet  you  couldn't  eat 
six  doubles,"  said  Doc  facetiously,  winking  at 
the  Beefsteak. 

The  Tennessee  Shad  snorted. 

"  You  don't  want  a  cinch,  do  you  ?  "  he  said 
crushingly. 

Turkey  Keiter  stopped,  caught  Macnooder's 
eye,  smiled  rerniniscently  and  nudged  the  Beef 
steak. 

[264] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 

"  I  thought  you'd  bet  on  anything,"  said  the 
Beefsteak. 

"  So  I  will." 

"  Well,  I'll  bet  you  can't  do  it  right  now!  " 

"  Eat  six  double  jiggers?  " 

"  That's  what  I  say." 

The  Tennessee  Shad  jingled  his  keys  in  his 
trousers. 

"  Why  don't  you  pick  my  pockets?  " 

"  You're  a  quitter,"  said  the  Beefsteak, 
warming  at  the  thought  of  the  many  old  scores 
he  had  to  wipe  off.  "  I'll  bet  you  half  a  dollar 
even  you  can't  do  it,  and  the  loser  pays  for  the 
jiggers  right  now.  And  if  you  don't  take  it  up 
you're  a  paper-collared  sport  and  a  bluff." 

"  That's  pretty  strong  talk,  Shad !  "  said  Mac- 
nooder. 

"  It's  all  very  well  for  you  to  talk,"  said  the 
Shad  angrily.  "  This  is  one  of  your  put-up 
games !  " 

The  Beefsteak,  egged  on  by  Turkey,  insult 
ingly  flashed  the  half-dollar  under  the  Tennessee 
Shad's  nose,  exclaiming : 

"  Oh,  you  bluff,  you  cheap  sport !  Will  you 
take  me?  Will  you?  " 

[265] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  You  be  hanged !  "  said  the  Tennessee  Shad 
wrathfully.  "  If  there  ever  was  a  cheap  sport, 
it's  you.  You  never  would  bet  unless  you  had  a 
cinch.  Well,  I'll  take  you  —  on  one  condition." 

"What?" 

Doc  and  Turkey  looked  surprised,  while  Al  at 
the  counter,  with  his  hand  on  the  spigot,  cocked 
his  head  slightly. 

"  That  you  make  the  same  bet  with  Doc  Mac- 
nooder." 

Macnooder  was  on  his  feet  protesting. 

"  Oh,  I  say,  hold  up.     I'm  not  in  this." 

The  crowd  found  against  him. 

"  Hold  up,  there,"  said  the  Beefsteak, 
scratching  his  head.  "  That's  a  pretty  big  bet." 

The  Tennessee  Shad  saw  the  dawn  of  suspicion 
in  the  Beefsteak's  eyes,  and  shifted  his  attack 
forthwith. 

"Well,  I'll  make  that  bet  myself,"  he  ex 
claimed.  "Who's  the  quitter  now?" 

The  Beefsteak,  reassured,  stated  the  terms 
cautiously. 

"  Half  a  dollar  even  you  can't  eat  six  double 
jiggers  — " 

"  Strawberry  jiggers." 

[266] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 

"  Strawberry  jiggers  —  in  an  hour." 

"  Let  it  go  at  an  hour." 

"Shake?" 

"  Shake ! " 

Then  the  Tennessee  Shad  turned  aggressively 
on  Doc  Macnooder. 

"  Same  thing  goes  with  you?" 

"  Confound  you !  " 

"Half  a  dollar  even?" 

"  Well,  yes.'1 

"Shake?" 

"Shake!" 

"  Al,  serve  'em  up !  " 

Then  Doc  and  the  Tennessee  Shad,  not  too 
fast,  but  as  with  great  physical  effort,  each  ate 
six  double  jiggers. 

The  Beefsteak,  whose  hopes  had  been  alter 
nately  raised  and  lowered  with  this  comedy,  paid 
sixty  cents  for  the  jiggers  the  Shad  had  consumed 
and  sullenly  tossed  him  the  shining  half-dollar. 
The  Tennessee  Shad,  having  lost  to  Macnooder, 
gravely  transferred  the  coin,  and  Macnooder, 
rising,  tendered  it  to  Al,  saying : 

"I'm  a  dime  short,  Al  —  but  that's  the  price 
of  admission." 

[267] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"Keep  it,  my  boy,"  said  Al  enthusiastically, 
putting  the  half-dollar  away  from  him.  "  Keep 
it ;  it's  yours.  I'd  be  ashamed  to  touch  a  penny 
of  it." 

Turkey  Eeiter  solemnly  offered  his  hand  to 
the  Tennessee  Shad,  saying: 

"  Old  sporting  print,  I  never  saw  it  better 
done,  not  even  by  Hickey,  God  bless  him ! " 

"  Thank  you ! "  said  the  Tennessee  Shad. 
"  Why,  where  is  the  Beefsteak?  " 

They  crowded  to  the  window  and  saw  the 
Beefsteak,  collar  up,  brim  down,  hands  sunk  in 
his  pockets,  deliberately  tracking  for  home. 

Half  an  hour  later,  the  audience  having 
shifted,  they  caught  the  Gutter  Pup  and  repeated 
with  equal  success. 

Arm-in-arm,  fed  to  satiety,  each  with  five  nick 
els  jingling  in  his  pocket,  Doc  and  the  Tennessee 
Shad  rolled  hilariously  back  to  the  House. 

"  It  was  brilliant,"  said  the  Shad,  thinking  of 
future  strawberry  jiggers.  "  But  it  is  limited, 
Doc.  We  were  lucky  to  get  the  Gutter  Pup." 

"  It  leaves  us  about  where  we  were." 

"  We've  got  to  do  something  —  something  big 
—  on  a  swipe  scale !  " 

[268] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 

"  We  certainly  have." 

"You  haven't  anything  up  your  sleeve?" 

"  Lots  of  ?em,  Shad  —  but  they're  all  on  the 
flimflam  order.  This  time  we've  got  to  produce 
some  goods." 

They  proceeded,  each  searching  inwardly  un 
til  almost  to  the  House.  Suddenly  from  the 
north  door  Alcibiades,  the  waiter,  with  a  splash 
of  white  linen  over  his  arm,  emerged  and  disap 
peared  around  the  back.  The  Tennessee  Shad 
stopped. 

"  Did  you  see  him?  " 

"  Who?  " 

"  Doc,  I've  got  an  idea !  " 

"  Fire  away !  " 

"  No  —  no,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  rumi- 
natively,  "  not  now,  Doc ;  not  just  now.  It  needs 
thinking  over.  What  time  does  it  get  dark?" 

"  Eight  o'clock,"  said  Macnooder  mystified. 

"  Meet  me  at  half -past  eight,  thirty  feet  behind 
the  baseball  cage  —  alone !  " 

The  Tennessee  Shad,  on  taking  his  seat  at  the 
table  that  night,  fixed  his  gaze  on  Alcibiades,  the 
waiter,  in  such  a  concentrated  glare  that  that 

[269] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

menial,  in  his  nervousness,  violently  did  offense 
to  Slush  Randolph's  ear  with  the  platter  of  in 
coming  sinkers. 

"  Confound  you,  Shad,"  said  Slush,  "  quit  rat 
tling  Alcibiades.  What's  wrong  with  him,  any 
how?" 

The  Tennessee  Shad  stared  haughtily  at  Slush 
and  addressed  Hungry  Smeed. 

"  What  do  you  know  about  him?  " 

"Who?     Alcibiades?" 

"  Yes,  what's  his  real  name?  " 

"  Finnigan  —  Patsy  Finnigan,"  said  Smeed, 
who  didn't  know. 

"  Correct.  Now  does  anything  strike  you  as 
peculiar  about  him?  " 

"  Naw,"  said  Hungry  Smeed,  annoyed  at  being 
delayed  in  his  eating  and  watching  Slush  from 
the  corner  of  his  eye  to  make  sure  he  didn't  beat 
him  to  a  second  helping. 

"  Look  again." 

"  He  looks  like  a  prize-fighter." 

"  Oh,  you  do  see  that,  do  you?  Well,  he  was 
a  prize-fighter." 

At  this  startling  announcement  Slush,  Butcher 
Stevens,  the  Triumphant  Egghead  and  Hungry 
[270] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 
Snieed  raised  their  heads  with  a  simultaneous 
jerk  and  gazed  at  the  circling  Alcibiades. 

"  Come  off ;  he's  too  thin,"  said  Butcher  Stev 
ens  with  a  critical  glance. 

"  Look  at  his  jaw.  Look  at  his  bullet  head. 
Look  at  those  blood-shot  eyes." 

"Why,  he's  a  feather!" 

"Featherweight,  that's  it." 

"  Say,  you  old  Tennessee  Shad,"  said  Butcher 
Stevens  directly,  "  you  know  something.  You've 
got  something  up  your  sleeve.  Do  you  know  he's 
a  prize-fighter?  " 

"Well,  supposin'  I  do?"  said  the  Tennessee 
Shad. 

"  A  prize-fighter !  " 

"It  can't  be  true!" 

"  He  does  have  the  jaw." 

"  Shut  up !  "  said  the  Tennessee  Shad.  "  Do 
you  want  everyone  to  hear?  " 

"  Say,  Bub,  what's  doing?  " 

"  I've  got  an  idea,"  said  the  Shad  with  dignity, 
"  a  real  imported,  patent-applied-for  idea,  and  I 
want  you  fellows  to  clear  out  and  give  me  a 
chance.  Mind,  now,  whatever  you  do,  don't  tell 
a  soul  what  I  told  you !  " 

[271] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

A  moment  later  the  astonished  Alcibades  re 
ceived  from  the  hands  of  the  Tennessee  Shad,  ac 
companied  by  a  terrific  look  of  mystery,  a  covert 
scrawl  with  a  whispered :  "  Read  at  once." 

At  half-past  eight,  while  Doc  Macnooder,  lurk 
ing  in  the  gloom  behind  the  baseball  cage,  was 
straining  eyes  and  ears  for  the  approach  of  the 
Tennessee  Shad,  suddenly,  from  the  ground  in 
front  of  him,  a  thin,  black  silhouette  sprang  up. 

"  What's  that?  "  cried  Macnooder,  bounding 
back. 

"  Sh !  Doc,  it's  me,"  said  the  familiar  nasal 
voice  of  the  Tennessee  Shad. 

"  Confound  you !  What  do  you  mean  by 
sneaking  in  on  me  like  that?  " 

"  Hush  —  I  had  to  be  sure  you  weren't  a  spy," 
said  the  Tennessee  Shad,  grasping  his  arm. 
"  No  one  must  know  our  errand  here !  " . . 

"  Well,  what  the  deuce  is  our  errand?  " 

"  We  are  waiting  for  someone,"  said  the  Ten 
nessee  Shad  mysteriously.  "  Sit  quietly  now 
and  keep  your  fingers  crossed,  for  if  we  pull  this 
off,  Doc  Macnooder,  we're  going  to  buy  a  safe  to 
stuff  our  spondulix  in." 

"  Pull  off  what?  " 

[272] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 

"  Silence!" 

After  ten  minutes'  tense  breathing  suddenly 
the  Tennessee  Shad  spoke: 

"Doc?" 

«  Yes." 

"  Do  you  hear  anything?  " 

"  Not  a  sound." 

"  Well,  I  do  —  pebbles  crunching  over  there. 
Now,  look !  " 

"  Where?  " 

"  To  your  right,  squint  down  along  the  fence, 
just  past  where  the  moonlight  hits  the  second 
tree.  See? » 

"  There's  someone  coming." 

"Hush!" 

Presently  the  Tennessee  Shad  "sent  forth  a 
cautious  whistle.  The  approaching  figure 
loomed  larger,  stopped,  advanced,  stopped  and 
looked  about  defensively. 

"  He's  carrying  a  stick,"  said  Macnooder. 

"It's  all  right,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad, 
rising.  "  Well  go  to  meet  him." 

Advancing  rapidly,  he  exclaimed: 

"  Mr.  Finnigan,  shake  hands  with  Mr.  Mac 
nooder.  Doc,  shake  hands  with  Mr.  Finnigan." 

[273] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  Why,  it's  Alcibiades !  "  exclaimed  Macnoo 
der. 

"  Of  course  it  is,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad. 
"  Come,  Finnigan,  we're  not  safe  here.  Come 
quickly.  Follow  me." 

"  Where  you  takin'  me? "  said  Alcibiades, 
planting  the  stick  in  front  of  him. 

"  Down  by  the  pond  in  the  woods  where  no 
one'll  hear  us." 

"  Thanks,  but  I'll  stay  here."  . 

"  Shucks,  Alcibiades,"  said  the  Tennessee 
Shad  soothingly.  "  All  we  want  is  to  put  a 
little  sporting  proposition  to  you." 

"  Well,  you  can  put  it  here." 

"Don't  you  trust  us?" 

"  No,  you  young  devils ;  you  bet  I  don't.  If 
you've  got  anything  to  say,  say  it  or  I'm  going 
back." 

The  Tennessee  Shad  consulted  with  Macnoo- 
der  and,  taking  a  step  toward  Alcibiades,  said 
firmly : 

"Finnigan,  you're  a  prize-fighter!" 

"Huh?" 

"  You're  an  ex-prize-fighter !  " 

[274] 


LAST  HISTOKIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 

"  What's  that  got  to  do  with  it?  " 

"Are  you?" 

Alcibiades  scratched  his  head  and  considered. 

"  And  what  then? "  he  said  cautiously. 
"  What's  the  answer?  " 

"  I  knew  it ! "  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  joy 
fully.  "  Finnigan,  give  me  your  hand.  I'm 
proud  to  shake  it!  " 

The  startled  Alcibiades  then  suffered  his 
right  hand  to  be  enthusiastically  pumped  by 
Macnooder,  but  kept  with  his  left  a  convulsive 
grasp  on  the  stick. 

"  Now,  Finnigan,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad 
professionally,  "  here's  the  point.  What  would 
you  say  to  putting  on  the  mitts  just  once 
more?" 

"  No,  you  don't !  "  exclaimed  the  little  Irish 
man,  springing  back. 

Macnooder  and  the  Tennessee  Shad  gazed  in 
astonishment. 

"  What  the  deuce  is  the  matter  with  him 
Doc?" 

"  Guess  he  thinks  we  want  to  kidnap  him  and 
make  him  fight  Turkey  or  Butcher." 

[275] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  Don't  be  a  fool,  Alcibiades,''  said  the  Tennes 
see  Shad  sharply.  "  None  of  us  wants  to  fight 
you." 

"  Well,  what  do  you  want,  then?  "  said  Alci- 
blades,  still  on  the  defensive. 

"  Do  you  know  any  of  the  profession  down 
in  Trenton?  " 

"  In  Trenton?'' 

"  Yes.  Could  you  get  anyone  from  there  to 
come  up  and  go  a  mill  with  you?  " 

"Could  I?  You  want  me  to  find  some 
one?  " 

"  That's  it.     Do  you  know  anyone  there?  " 

"  Oh,  yes !  Sure,  I  know  a  lot  of  men  there. 
But  what  do  I  want  to  be  puttin'  on  the  gloves 
for,  anyway?  " 

"  Why,  we  put  up  a  purse,  of  course." 

"  Well,  now,  why  in  the  devil  didn't  you  be 
gin  with  that?"  said  Finnigan,  dropping  the 
stick.  "  That's  talkin'.  Sure  I  mistrusted  you 
were  tryin'  to  play  a  trick  on  me." 

"So  you  think  you  could  make  a  match,  Fin 
nigan?" 

"  Maybe  so,  maybe.  I'm  running  into  Tren 
ton  to-morrow  morning.  I  might  look  around 

[276] 


LAST  HISTOKIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 

a  bit.  It  all  depends  on  the  purse,  you  know. 
Now,  what  might  be  your  idea  on  that?  " 

Macnooder  and  the  Tennessee  Shad  withdrew 
and  whispered.  Macnooder,  as  the  man  of 
affairs,  continued  the  operations. 

"  Well,  now,  Finnigan,  what  would  you  say 
was  a  fair  proposition?  Come,  now,  speak 
right  up!" 

"For  how  long  a  fight?" 

"  Oh,  fifteen  good  slashing  rounds.  Come, 
now,  what  would  you  say?  " 

"  Well,  I  don't  know  what  I'd  say." 

"  How  about  fifteen  dollars  —  dollar  a 
round?" 

"  Sure  you  young  bloods  can  do  better  than 
that." 

"  Well,  twenty-five  dollars  —    lump." 

"There's  the  expenses  from  Trenton?" 

"  Five  dollars  more  for  the  rig.     Is  it  a  go?  " 

"  Well,  I'll  have  to  see  a  bit." 

"  Fix  it  up  for  to-morrow  night  if  you  can, 
and  have  your  man  here  on  the  stroke  of  mid 
night," 

"  Well,  I'll  see  what  I  can  do." 

"  Twenty-five-dollar  purse,  five  for  the  rig  and 
[277] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
fifteen  good  slashing  rounds.     That's  the  terms. 
All  right?     Put  it  here!" 

The  Tennessee  Shad  and  Macnooder,  having 
watched  Alcibiades  flit  back  into  the  far  shadow 
of  the  Upper,  withdrew  to  the  secret  banks  of 
the  pond,  where  the  lugubrious  moon  fell  in  a 
shining  splash  amid  the  massy  reflections  of  the 
wood. 

"  Shad,"  said  Macnooder,  breaking  the  si 
lence,  "  this  is  a  wonder.  It  is  beautiful.  1 
really  am  touched.  As  a  bonanza  investment  it 
takes  me  back  to  the  late  lamented  Hickey  and 
his  no-guarantee  silver-gilt  clappers." 

"  Let's  reckon  up,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad 
professionally.  "  First,  expense  account.  Purse 
and  rig  from  Trenton,  thirty  dollars.  Hiring 
of  baseball  cage,  nothing.  Advertising,  nothing. 
Bribing  of  police,  nothing.  Subsidizing  press, 
nothing.  Can  you  think  of  anything  else?  " 

"  I  can't." 

"Total  expenses  —  thirty  dollars.  Now  for 
the  rub.  What'll  we  make  the  admission  — 
one  plunk?  " 


[278] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIKM 

"  That's  pretty  stiff." 

"  We'll  make  that  for  reserved  seats,  front 
row.  Just  before  the  fight  we  can  issue  ordinary 
admissions  at  one  bone." 

"Cash?" 

"  Absolutely." 

"  Now,  Doc,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  serious 
ly,  "  we  must  look  at  all  sides  of  this,  and  there's 
one  snag  and  it's  a  big  one." 

"Which  one?" 

"  Our  past  reputations." 

"Um!  " 

"  The  Egghead's  sore  on  me  because  that 
haircut  before  the  Prom  queered  him  with  his 
girl,  and  the  Gutter  Pup  for  several  reasons, 
but  principally  for  my  leading  him  into  mumps 
instead  of  German  measles.  He  had  'em  bad, 
Doc,  very  bad." 

"WTell,I  suppose  we'd  better  cut'em  out, then?" 

"  On  the  contrary,  don't  you  see,  they're  the 
only  ones  can  help  us  to  general  confidence." 

"  I  know  it's  a  good  one,"  said  Macnooder 
somewhat  puzzled,  "  but  it  hasn't  quite  got  to 
me  yet.  How  the  deuce  are  you  going  to  get 

[279] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
those  two  yaps  who  are  gunning  for  you  to  help 
you  inspire  general  confidence?  " 

"  I'm  going  to  make  them  my  officials  —  Gut 
ter  Pup  shall  be  referee,  and  the  Triumphant 
Egghead  timekeeper." 

"  I  see,"  said  Macnooder  enthusiastically ; 
"  salve  them  over  with  a  few  plunks  apiece  r 

"Doc,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  from  the 
heights  of  a  loftier  genius,  "  you  are  really  only 
fit  to  be  a  money-changer  and  a  pawnbroker. 
When  will  you  rise  to  the  truths  of  high 
finance?  " 

"  I  am  humbly  listening,"  said  Doc.  "  What 
is  it?  » 

"  I  am  not  going  to  do  anything  so  low-down, 
easy  and  commonplace  as  to  pay  them  to  do 
what  I've  got  to  have  done." 

"No?" 

"  No !  I'm  going  to  make  the  Gutter  Pup  and 
the  Triumphant  Egghead  give  me  the  sanction 
of  their  re-spec-ta-ble  names  and  Fm  going  to 
make  ?em  pay  me  for  doing  it." 

Doc  Macnooder  humbly  knelt  and  struck  the 
ground  with  his  forehead. 

"  Oh,  wonderful  Tennessee  Shad !     When  you 
[280] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 
get  into  business  let  me  be  your  office- 
boy?  " 

"  That's  already  promised/-  said  the  Tennes 
see  Shad,  pleased.  "  Turkey  Reiter  has  the  call. 
And  now  to  biz.  I  let  off  a  bit  at  the  dinner 
table  about  Alcibiades  being  a  prize-fighter  and 
told  the  boys  not  to  breathe  a  word;  so,  by  this 
time,  it  ought  to  be  all  over  the  Upper.  The 
Gutter  Pup'll  be  primed.  Let's  swoop  down  on 
him." 

"  If  we  pull  this  off,"  said  Macnooder  sadly 
"  it'll  be  just  about  the  last,  Shad." 

"  Alas ! " 

"  They'll  never  -stand  for  another  deal  from 
us!" 

"  They've  stood  for  a  good  many." 

"  Shad,  here  ends  the  firm  of  Macnooder  and 
the  Tennessee  Shad." 

"  Perhaps,  but  Doc  this  is  the  great  and  only 
Lalapazazza.  We  may  go  down,  but  it'll  be 
with  the  band  playing  and  the  dear  girls  strew 
ing  flowers !  • ' 

"  Say,  what  are  we  going  to  call  Alcibiades?  " 

The  Tennessee  Shad  paused  and  reflected. 

«  Patsy,  the  Brute." 

[281] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  Then  he  ought  to  pad,"  said  Doc  doubtfully. 
"  He  looks  more  like  chills  and  fever." 

"  Good  idea.  I'll  see  to  that.  The  other  fel 
low  is  the  Trenton  Terror." 

The  Tennessee  Shad,  accompanied  by  Doc, 
rapped  softly  and  stole  in  as  innocently  as  Br'er 
Rabbit.  The  Gutter  Pup,  alone,  intrenched  be 
hind  a  desk,  lifted  the  green  shade  from  his 
eyes  and  looked  at  the  intruder  deliberately, 
with  an  appetizing,  fox-eyed  glance. 

"  Hello,  you  old  Gutter  Pup ! "  said  the  Ten 
nessee  Shad  in  a  friendly  way,  while  Doc  slid  to 
a  seat.  "Am  I  welcome?" 

"  You  are  not !     Get  out  of  here !  " 

"Does  that  little  jigger  episode  rankle?" 
said  the  Shad,  sidling  forward.  "  Because  I've 
come  to  pay  you  back." 

"  What !  "  said  Gutter  Pup,  startled  from  his 
attitude." 

"  I've  come  to  pay  you  back,"  said  the  Shad, 
jingling  the  three  remaining  nickels  to  sound 
like  a  pocketful ;  "  that  is,  if  —  if  you  think  it 
wasn't  a  square  catch." 

"  Humph  —  that's  the  string  to  it." 

"  No,  no,  I'm  serious.  I  want  to  be  fair  and 
[282] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OP  THE  FIKM 
above-board.  If  you  think  —  well,  what  do  you 
think?" 

"  Oh,  you  caught  me  all  right." 

"  I'll  tell  you  what  I'll  do,"  said  the  Tennessee 
Shad  suddenly ;  "  I'll  help  you  to  work  it  on 
Lovely  Mead  or  the  Egghead.  I'll  square  it  that 
way.  What  do  you  say?  It  certainly  would  be 
a  corking  sell  on  Lovely !  " 

At  this  astute  appeal  to  frail  human  nature 
the  Gutter  Pup's  scowl  of  vanity  gave  place  to 
a  smile  at  the  soothing  thought  of  leading  his 
dearest  chum  into  the  same  trap  into  which  he 
had  fallen. 

"  Let  her  go  at  that." 

"  Good/'  said  the  Tennessee  Shad,  extending 
his  hand.  "  No  hard  feelings.  Gutter  Pup, 
you're  the  sport  of  the  bunch.  Shake." 

The  Gutter  Pup  shook  hands  gravely. 

"  Now,  Gutter  Pup,  we  want  your  advice," 
said  the  Shad  cheerily.     "  I've  got  an  idea." 

"  No,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup  firmly. 

"  It's  a  beautiful  idea." 

"  Never  again !  " 

"Just  hear  it!" 

"No  and  no!" 

[283] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"What!     Haven't  you   any  curiosity?" 

"  I  haven't !  » 

"But,  Gutter  Pup—" 

"  Not  a  word.'7 

"  It's  just  this  — " 

The  Gutter  Pup  sealed  his  ears  with  his  fin 
gers  and  looked  stonily  at  the  Shad.  The  Shad 
looked  at  Macnooder,  shrugged  his  shoulders 
and  made  a  sign  of  capitulation.  The  Gutter 
Pup  disdainfully  maintained  his  attitude.  The 
Tennessee  Shad  sat  down,  picked  up  a  paper- 
cutter  and  gazed  at  it  with  such  set  melancholy 
that,  from  sheer  curiosity,  the  Gutter  Pup  re 
leased  his  ears. 

"Gutter  Pup,"  said  the  Shad  pathetically, 
"  do  you  realize  that  your  conduct  hurts  me?  " 

"  Glad  of  it." 

"  Do  you  realize  that  in  a  short  month  all  we 
old  friends  are  going  away  from  here  to  part 
forever?  Can't  you  understand  that  your  con 
duct  and  Egghead's  and  all  the  rest  hurts  me 
and  makes  me  feel  bad?  Don't  you  realize  that 
I  want  to  do  something  to  wipe  out  the  past  and 
win  back  the  friends,  the  good  old  friends 


again?  " 


[284] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 

"Yes,  you  do!" 

"Yes,  Gutter  Pup,  I  do  —  I  feel  lonely.  I 
want  to  be  restored  to  the  old  feeling  of  confi 
dence." 

"  Mumps ! "  said  the  Gutter  Pap,  blushing  a 
little. 

"  That's  just  it,"  said  the  Shad  instantly.  "  I 
wanted  you  to  say  that!  That's  just  what 
makes  me  feel  bad.  I  want  to  make  amends ;  to 
give  you  fellows  something  that'll  wipe  off  the 
slate.  Now,  my  little  idea." 

Up  went  the  Gutter  Pup's  fingers  again. 
The  Tennessee  Shad  looked  very  sad,  sighed,  rose 
and  offered  his  hand  in  farewell. 

The  Gutter  Pup,  smiling  scornfully,  extended 
his. 

"  It  was  only  a  prize-fight,"  said  the  Tennessee 
Shad  hurriedly,  clutching  the  hand  in  both  of 
his.  "  Never  mind.  Good-by !  Come  on,  Doc." 

He  went  toward  the  door;  Doc  did  not  rise. 

"  Hold  up !  "  said  the  Gutter  Pup. 

"Well?" 

"  You  said  prize-fight?  " 

"  I  did." 

"  What  do  you  mean  by  that?  " 
[285] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  I  meant  a  crocheting  sociable,  of  course," 
said  the  Tennessee  Shad.  "  That's  what  is  al 
ways  meant  by  prize-fight!  Well,  good-by  " 

"  Wait  a  moment  now ;  don't  be  so  thundering 
touchy." 

"  I  am  touchy." 

"Eats!  can't  you  take  a  joke?" 

"  Not  some  jokes.    Come  on,  Doc." 

"  Look  here,  Shad,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup,  slip 
ping  past  him  and  locking  the  door.  "  Say,  I 
take  it  back.  Go  on,  now,  let  me  in  on  this. 
Who's  the  scrap  between?  " 

The  Tennessee  Shad  stared  at  Doc  and  then 
at  the  Gutter  Pup. 

"  I  said  nothing  about  an  amateur  boxing  ex 
hibition  " 

"  What  do  you  mean  ?  " 

"  I'm  talking  about  a  really  professional 
prize-fight." 

"A  prize-fight  between  professionals  —  real 
professionals?  " 

«  Exactly  that." 

"Then  it's  straight  about  Alcibiades?" 

"Who  told  you?"  cried  Macnooder  and  the 
Tennessee  Shad  in  simulated  anger. 

[286] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 

"  No  matter,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup  hastily.  "  I 
promised  not  to  tell." 

"  Well,  it  is  true,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad. 
"  His  real  name  is  Patsy  the  Brute,  and  Doc 
and  I  have  matched  him  to  go  fifteen  rounds 
against  a  bruiser  we're  smuggling  up  here  called 
the  Trenton  Terror.  Now  ask  me  to  sit  down, 
and  put  a  soft  cushion  behind  my  back !  " 

The  Gutter  Pup,  rendered  weak  by  emotion, 
grabbed  the  Tennessee  Shad's  arm  and  clung  to 
him.  In  his  underform  years,  (as  has  been  re 
lated),  the  Gutter  Pup  had  fought  battles  galore 
for  the  pure  love  of  battling,  and  was  now  the 
President  of  the  Sporting  Club  (vice  Hickey 
once  removed),  an  organization  devoted  to  the 
scientific  healing  of  animosities  without  re 
course  to  debasing  exhibitions  of  billingsgate. 
Likewise  the  Gutter  Pup  possessed  on  his  wall, 
as  the  proudest  ornament  of  the  school,  a 
signed  photograph  of  John  L.  Sullivan.  For  all 
which  reasons  his  clutch  tightened  as  though  he 
were  afraid  the  Tennessee  Shad  would  slip  away 
through  the  transom. 

"  Oh,  Shad,  do  you  mean  it?  "  he  said  at  last. 

"  I'm  telling  you." 

[287] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  But  how  are  you  going  to  get  them?  " 

"  Of  course,  we've  got  to  raise  a  stiff  purse," 
said  the  Tennessee  Shad  as  an  opening  wedge, 
and  then,  observing  the  Gutter  Pup  thoughtfully 
replacing  the  key  in  the  lock,  he  added :  "  but 
that's  not  what  we  came  about." 

"What  then?"  said  the  Gutter  Pup,  looking 
at  him  long  and  critically. 

"  We  want  your  advice  as  the  leading  sport 
ing  authority  in  the  school,  "  said  the  Shad  sol 
emnly.  "  It's  all  a  question  of  the  referee. 
Doc's  for  Butcher  Stevens  and  I'm  for  Turkey 
Keiter;  what  do  you  think?" 

"Why  not  me?"  said  the  Gutter  Pup  in 
stantly. 

Macnooder  looked  profoundly  at  the  bat 
tling  photograph  of  John  L.  reposing  on  the 
American  flag  —  profoundly,  with  a  concen 
trated  glare.  The  Tennessee  Shad  climbed  to 
his  familiar  roost  on  the  back  of  the  chair  and 
replied  with  embarrassed  reluctance: 

"  Gutter  Pup,  I  wish  we  could  offer  it  to  you. 
You  really  know  more  about  such  things  than 
any  of  us.  You're  really  it.  I  wouldn't  hurt 
your  feelings  for  the  world;  that's  why  I  want 

[288] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OP  THE  FIRM 
YOU  to  understand  our  reasons  before  we  ask 
anyone  else." 

"  I  don't  see,"  began  the  Gutter  Pup,  cut  to 
the  heart. 

"  Now,  let  me  put  the  case  before  you.  We've 
got  to  pony  up  a  stiff  purse.  You  know  pro 
fessionals  and  you  understand.  If  we  could 
let  the  whole  school  in,  why,  we'd  have  no  trouble. 
We  can't.  This  thing's  got  to  be  pulled  off  with 
terrific  secrecy  at  midnight,  down  in  the  base 
ball  cage.  At  most,  we  can't  let  in  more  than 
thirty  or  forty  fellows.  So  the  only  way  is  to 
give  the  prime  jobs  to  the  fellows  who'll  put  up 
for  them.  There  you  have  it.  Turkey  and 
Butcher  will  uncork  like  a  flash  at  the  chance. 
Gee,  who  wouldn't?  Do  you  see,  Gutter  Pup? 
You'll  understand,  won't  you?  You  won't  take 
it  hard.  We'll  leave  it  all  to  you.  Which  one 
—  Turkey  or  the  Butcher?  " 

"  I  suppose  you'd  want  a  stiff  contribution," 
said  the  Gutter  Pup,  his  appetite  in  his  eye. 

"  Pretty  stiff,"  said  the  Shad  with  charming 
frankness. 

"  I  could  put  up  a  fiver." 

"  I'm  afraid  that  wouldn't  do,"  said  the  Ten- 
[289] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
nessee  Shad  sadly.     "  Don't  think  about  it  any 
more.     Besides,  we've  got  to  have  some  bruiser 
like  Turkey  to  keep  things  in  order." 

"  Shad,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup,  now  almost 
tearfully,  "  haven't  I  always  kept  things  in  order 
at  the  Sporting  Club?  Now,  look  here:  Tur 
key's  a  mutt,  and  the  Butcher  —  well,  you  sim 
ply  can't  invite  a  couple  of  real  professionals  un 
less  you  give  'em  a  referee  who  knows  the  rules ; 
you  simply  can't." 

"  But  what  are  we  going  to  do?  " 

"  See  here,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup  desperately. 
"  Make  it  eight !  I'll  borrow  another  three  some 
where  and  somehow." 

"  We  rather  counted  on  more,"  said  the  Ten 
nessee  Shad  doubtfully.  "  What  do  you  say, 
Doc?  » 

"  Pretty  cheap,  Shad.  Think  of  the  glory  of 
it!" 

"  I  tell  you  how  it  might  be  done,"  said 
the  Tennessee  Shad  thoughtfully.  "  If  we 
could  get  someone  to  put  up  ten  for  timekeep 
er— — " 

"Leave  that  to  me,"  exclaimed  the  Gutter 
Pup,  grasping  at  the  straw.  "I've  got  just 

[290] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 
your  man  —  Goat  Finney.  His  father's  a  bil 
lionaire/' 

"  I  wonder  if  the  Triumphant  Egghead  would 
put  up  five  to  be  one  of  the  seconds?  "  said  the 
Tennessee  Shad. 

"  Let  me  see  him !  "  said  the  Gutter  Pup  en 
thusiastically.  "  Give  me  the  chance." 

"  Well,  on  these  conditions  I  am  willing/'  said 
the  Tennessee  Shad  after  sufficient  deliberation. 
"  If  you  can  raise  more,  why,  do  it.  How  about 
it,  Doc?" 

"  We  always  did  want  Gutter  Pup  to  referee, 
you  know." 

"  Get  at  it  quick,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad, 
rising. 

"  You  bet  I  will !  " 

"  Cash,"  said  Macnooder  warningly.  "  Paid 
in  five  hours  before  the  fight." 

The  Gutter  Pup  departed  running. 

At  half-past  ten  that  night,  at  the  Tennessee 
Shad's  dictation,  Doc  Macnooder  entered  in  the 
joint  account-book  the  following  items : 

Goat  Finney,  for  holding  the  stopwatch.  .$10.00 
The  Triumphant  Egghead,  for  being  per 
mitted  to  rub  down  the  Trenton  Terror.     5.65 
[291] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

Turkey  Reiter,  for  being  permitted  to  rub 
down  the  Trenton  Terror 5.00 

The  Beefsteak,  for  the  privilege  of  spong 
ing  off  Patsy,  the  Brute 3.75 

Tough    McCarthy,    for    the    privilege    of 

sponging  off  Patsy,  the  Brute 3.00 

Slush  Randolph,  for  the  right  to  supply 
the  sponges  2.50 

Gutter  Pup,  for  refereeing  and  procuring 
the  above  officials 8.00 

Under  cover  of  these  confidence-inspiring 
names,  Macnooder  and  the  Tennessee  Shad  sold 
their  tickets  rapidly  without  a  hitch,  no  ques 
tions  asked. 

At  twelve  o'clock  the  next  day  Alcibiades 
slipped  the  Tennessee  Shad  a  note  confirming 
the  arrangements  and  guaranteeing  the  arrival 
of  a  local  bruiser  that  night. 

At  seven  o'clock  each  official  eagerly  presented 
himself  in  the  Tennessee  Shad's  room  and  made 
cash  payments.  Meanwhile,  the  subscribers  for 
reserved  seats  were  receiving  from  Doc  Mac 
nooder,  in  exchange  for  two  dollars,  a  green 

ticket  inscribed : 

[292] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 

RESERVED  SEAT 

Doc  Macnooder  and  the  Tennessee  Shad  Offer 
THE  TRENTON  TERROR 

vs. 

PATSY  THE  BRUTE 

For  the  Professional  Feather-weight  Champion 
ship  of  Mercer  County,  in  Fifteen 

Slashing,  Terrific  Rounds 

Under  the  Auspices  of  the  Sporting  Club 

Present  Ticket  at  11 :45  at 

Baseball  Cage 

|2.00 

At  ten  o'clock  a  supplementary  issue  of  one- 
dollar,  general-admission  tickets,  open  to  all 
comers  and  presentable  at  12 :10,  was  eagerly 
snatched  up. 

At  half-past  eleven  the  Tennessee  Shad  and 
Doc  Macnooder,  armed  with  Legs  BrownelPs 
bullseye  lantern,  stole  down  by  the  pond  to  meet 
Patsy  the  Brute  and  the  Trenton  Terror.  They 
found  them  side  by  side,  amicably  reclining  un 
der  a  tree,  puffing  vigorously  on  ill-smelling 
cigars.  Doc  Macnooder  turned  the  lantern  on 
the  new  arrival;  the  scrutiny  was  not  favorable. 

[293] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  Are  you  a  prize-fighter?  "  he  said,  discour 
aged. 

"Why  not?" 

"  You  don't  look  it." 

"  I'm  a  better  man  than  this  fellow/' 

"  Eemember,  they're  featherweights,  Doc," 
said  the  Shad. 

"  Well,  give  us  the  goods,"  said  Macnooder. 
"  Fight  like  demons.  We  want  fifteen  slashing 
rounds ! " 

"  All  right,  boss." 

"  You're  the  Trenton  Terror." 

"  That  suits  me." 

"  And,  Alcibiades,  you're  Patsy  the  Brute." 

"That's  fierce  enough.     Where's  the  coin?" 

"  You'll  get  that  in  the  cage." 

"  No,  you  don't  —  we  get  it  now." 

"  Don't  you  trust  us?  " 

"  I'd  rather  feel  the  coin." 

The  Tennessee  Shad  consulted  with  Macnoo 
der,  and  Doc  paid  over  thirty  dollars  and  sta 
tioned  himself  so  as  to  command  the  retreat  of 
the  Trenton  Terror.  On  the  stroke  of  twelve 
they  stole  up  to  the  cage  and  entered  by  the  back, 

[294] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 
by  means  of  three  large  boards  prudently  loos 
ened  for  the  occasion,  to  secure  a  retreat. 

The  ring  was  already  roped  off.  Four  dim 
lanterns  at  the  corners  lighted  up  the  white 
sweaters  and  ratlike  eyes  of  the  silent,  breath 
less  crowd.  Above,  a  swallow  or  two,  disturbed 
by  the  unusual  spectacle  was  frantically  scurry 
ing  among  the  rafters.  At  moments  the  door 
opened  and  a  whispered  recognition  was  heard. 

Macnooder  presented  the  combatants  to  the 
Gutter  Pup  and  sent  them  to  their  corners  to 
strip  for  action. 

Murmurs  of  surprise  began  to  rise  from  the 
amateurs  as  the  ribs  and  collar-bones  of  Patsy 
the  Brute  appeared  from  under  the  red  flannels. 

"  Gee,  he's  thinner  than  the  Shad! " 

"  He's  wasted  away." 

"  I  don't  bet  on  that  guy." 

"  He  must  be  awfully  scientific." 

"  His  blows  wouldn't  annoy  a  fly." 

"  Me  for  the  Trenton  Terror." 

But  at  this  moment  the  upper  anatomy  of  the 
visitor  was  disclosed. 

;i  Lord,  he's  thinner  still !  " 

[295] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
"  I  can  look  right  through  him." 
"  He  looks  more  like  a  professor  of  chemistry. " 
"  How  many  ribs  can  you  count?  " 
"Featherweight?     Paperweight,  you  mean!" 
The  Tennessee  Shad,  prepared  for  such  criti 
cism,  advanced  swiftly  to  the  middle  of  the  ring 
and  help  up  his  hand. 

"  Ladies  and  gentlemen,  before  opening  the 
festivities  to-night  I  desire  to  say  a  few  words  in 
explanation.  We  are  placing  before  you  to 
night,  at  much  expense  and  great  personal  dan 
ger,  one  of  the  most  unique,  I  may  say  the  most 
unique,  bona-fidej  high-class  professional  exhibi 
tion  in  the  history  of  the  school.  I  will  say,  for 
the  benefit  of  a  few  experts  on  baby  carriages 
and  tiddledywinks  who  seem  to  be  unusually 
vociferous  to-night,  that  these  gentlemen  are  not 
bloated  middleweights.  They  are  featherweights ; 
each  men  is  trained  to  the  second;  there  is  not 
an  ounce  of  superfluous  flesh  on  their  bones. 
Each  man  is  a  streak  of  lightning,  with  muscles 
like  whipcords,  skilled  in  every  trick  and  artifice 
of  the  game.  We  have  tried  to  put  before  you 
not  a  lumbering  exhibition  of  fatty  degenera 
tion,  but  a  sizzling,  rearing,  tearing  spectacle  of 
[296] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 
fast,  furious  and  sanguinary  fighting.  Are  there 
any  criticisms  of  the  management?  " 

There  were  none. 

Macnooder  arose  and  made  a  sign  to  the  sec 
onds,  and  the  contestants  lumbered  forward, 
Alcibiades  girt  with  the  school  colors,  his  an 
tagonist  decorated  about  the  waist  with  a  blue- 
and-white  pennant  loaned  by  the  Duke  of  Bilge- 
water. 

"  The  contestants  to-night,"  continued  Mac 
nooder  in  singsong,  "  are,  on  my  right,  Patsy  the 
Brute,  who  will  uphold  the  red  and  black;  on 
my  left,  the  Trenton  Terror.  Both  men  have 
ferocious  reputations.  In  explanation  I  would 
say,  in  confidence,  that  Patsy's  retirement  from 
the  professional  ring  was  simply  due  to  his  hav 
ing  accidentally  killed  a  man  by  a  terrific  wallop 
on  the  solar  plexus,  an  accident  which  he  pro 
foundly  regrets.  The  contestants  are  old  ene 
mies,  they  have  already  met  three  times  in  three 
bruising  contests,  and  they  do  not  want  to  con 
ceal  that  this  is  a  fight  for  blood !  At  their  per 
sonal  request  the  rules  will  be  stretched  so  as  to 
permit  of  the  most  deadly  slaughter.  The  pres 
ence  of  our  well-known  sporting  authority,  the 

[297] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 
Gutter  Pup,  as  referee,  will,  however,  be  a  guar 
anty  that  this  fight,  though  slashing,  will  be  ab 
solutely  square  and  aboveboard!  Bounds, 
three  minutes  each  —  one  minute  interim. 
Everyone  be  seated ! " 

The  Gutter  Pup  whispered  a  moment  to  the 
contestants  and  then  sprang  back,  crying: 

"  Time." 

The  Trenton  Terror  and  Patsy  the  Brute 
stood  confronting  each  other,  visibly  embar 
rassed. 

"  Make  'em  shake  hands,  Gutter  Pup/'  said  the 
Tennessee  Shad  quickly. 

"  Did  you  see  that?  "  said  Doc  Macnooder,  on 
the  other  side.  "They  didn't  want  to  shake 
hands.  Gee,  but  they've  got  it  in  for  each  other." 

The  first  round  was  not  exactly  thrilling. 

"  The  light  and  the  ground  bother  ?em,"  said 
Macnooder.  "  Just  wait  till  they  get  their  bear 
ings." 

"  Funniest  style  I  ever  saw." 

"  Why,  they  hold  their  fists  down  by  their 
knees." 

"  Featherweights  always  have  styles  of  their 
own." 

[298] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 

46  Don't  see  how  they  can  strike  from  there." 

"  They're  quicker  than  others.  You'll  see  all 
right." 

Round  number  two  passed  like  the  first. 

u  When  are  they  going  to  begin?"  said  a 
voice. 

"  Push  'em  together." 

"  Tie  'em  together." 

"  They're  sizing  each  other  up,"  said  Macnoo- 
der  loudly ;  "  planning  out  the  campaign." 

In  round  three  their  gloves  met  twice. 

"  Each  is  afraid  of  the  other's  wallop,"  said 
Macnooder  more  loudly.  "  One  blow'll  decide  it. 
Great  foot-work,  wasn't  it?  " 

Suddenly  in  round  four,  just  as  a  few  polite 
blows  had  been  struck,  a  hoarse  voice  at  the 
back  whispered : 

"Cheese  it!" 

Instantly  the  cage  was  plunged  in  darkness, 
while  a  confused  murmur  rose. 

"  It's  the  Doctor." 

"  We're  trapped." 

"We'll  all  be  fired I" 

"  Let's  get  out." 

"Silence!" 

[299] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  Shut  up,  everyone.  The  Shad's  gone  to  rec- 
onnoiter," 

Presently  the  Shad's  voice  was  heard : 

"  Light  up,  there  isn't  a  mouse  stirring." 

The  lanterns  flickered  up  again. 

"  Who  yelled  <  Cheese  it '  ? "  said  Turkey 
angrily. 

Everyone  stood  up  and  looked  about. 

"  If  anyone's  afraid  he  can  get  out  now  quick," 
said  the  Gutter  Pup.  "  We  don't  want  to  cheat 
the  cradle." 

Strangely  enough  no  one  availed  himself  of 
the  opportunity. 

Bound  four  being  resumed  ended  with  the  pro 
fessionals  clinched  desperately.  Then  another 
delay  arose.  The  contestants  refused  to  fight 
unless  the  hat  was  passed  for  additional  contri 
butions.  Macnooder  calmed  the  angry  crowd  by 
explaining  that  the  ground  was  so  rough  and  the 
light  so  bad  that  the  Trenton  Terror  was  really 
running  the  risk  of  twisting  his  ankle.  The  hat 
showing  only  five  dollars  and  twenty  cents,  the 
management  was  forced  to  add  five  dollars  more 
before  the  fighters  consented  to  go  on.  Macnoo 
der  having  taken  the  precaution  to  hold  up  the 

[300] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 

bonus  until  one  good  round  had  been  fought,  the 
hopes  of  the  whole  company  were  raised  by  a 
few  resounding  thumps,  accompanied  by  a  great 
amount  of  •  rancin£  about  the  ring. 

Toward  the  end  of  round  seven,  again  the 
sepulchral  voice  was  heard. 

"Hi!     Cheese  it!" 

Again  every  light  was  doused,  while  everyone 
waited  with  calculated  breath.  Again  the  Ten 
nessee  Shad  slipped  out  by  the  back,  reconnoi- 
tered  and  angrily  returned.  This  time  every 
one,  slightly  unnerved,  made  a  determined  search 
for  the  alarmist,  accompanied  by  such  inviting 
requests  to  show  himself  that  it  was  no  wonder 
the  search  was  unproductive.  They  returned 
to  the  ring. 

"  This  is  getting  on  my  nerves,"  said  Goat 
Finney,  blowing  on  his  fingers. 

"  Wish  the  deuce  it  was  over." 

"  The  Doctor'll  be  sure  to  hear  of  it." 

"  Course  he  will." 

"  He  always  does." 

"  Why  don't  they  hurry  up?  " 

The  next  round,  as  the  result  of  another 
strike,  the  hat  was  passed  again.  In  round  nine 

[301] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

another  alarm  arose  with  another  fruitless 
search  for  the  disturber.  By  this  time  the  feel 
ing  of  panic  was  becoming  epidemic. 

At  the  end  of  round  ten  an  angry  consultation 
took  place  in  the  middle  of  the  ring.  The  Tren 
ton  Terror  positively  refused  to  continue  unless 
the  stakes  were  increased.  Macnooder  addressed 
the  turbulent  meeting: 

"  Say,  fellows,  a  word,  one  word,  please.  This 
is  the  situation.  This  fight  is  illegal.  You 
don't  realize  that.  If  the  police  get  the  tip  we 
might  be  jugged  for  a  year.  These  continued 
fake  scares  are  getting  on  the  nerves  of  these 
gentlemen,  naturally.  They're  the  ones  who' re 
taking  the  risk  and  they  feel  they  ought  to  be 
paid  more  for  it.  Now  I'll  leave  it  to  you. 
Shall  we  pass  the  hat  again  or  call  it  off  now?  " 

At  once  a  discussion  broke  out. 

"No,  no!" 

"  We  want  our  money's  worth." 

"  Do  you  call  this  a  fight?  " 

"  Gee,  I've  had  enough." 

"  Call  it  off." 

"  Nothing  of  the  sort." 

"  Go  on." 

[302] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 

"  No  baby  act." 

«  Pass  the  hat." 

The  mysterious  possibility  of  prison  gave  a 
thrill  to  the  imagination  that  lifted  the  tame 
contest  into  the  realm  of  the  heroic.  The  Gut 
ter  Pup  passed  the  hat. 

Meanwhile,  the  Tennessee  Shad  and  Macnooder 
were  solemnly  consulting. 

"  Gee,  Doc,  if  this  goes  on  another  five  min 
utes  where'll  our  profits  be?  " 

"  I  know  it." 

"  Each  time  it  hits  us  harder." 

"  Well,  what  are  you  going  to  do  about  it?  " 

"  Lord,  if  the  Doctor  would  only  come,  Mac 
nooder,"  said  the  Tennessee  Shad  in  a  solemn 
whisper,  "  he  must  come !  " 

The  pair  exchanged  a  deep,  silent  glance  of 
comprehension.  The  Tennessee  Shad  smiled 
and  disappeared  carefully  in  the  direction  of  the 
safety  exit. 

The  collection  was  announced  at  three  dollars 
and  sixty  cents.  Public  opinion  forced  from  the 
ruthful  Macnooder  the  disbursement  of  a  suf 
ficient  sum  to  make  up  the  stipulated  ten  dol 
lars.  Bound  eleven  began  with  threats  from  all 

[303] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

quarters  directed  against  the  management  and 
the  fighters. 

Suddenly,,  outside,  the  gravel  crunched  under 
a  firm  tread  and  three  startling  knocks  fell  on 
the  door.  Everywhere  the  whisper  went  up : 

"The  Doctor!" 

"  Police !" 

"  Douse  the  lights !  " 

"  Through  the  back,  you  chumps." 

"  Hurry !  " 

In  less  than  a  minute,  amid  a  scurrying  of 
frantic  figures  racing  for  the  woods,  the  last 
vestige  of  the  furious  and  terrific  professional 
prize-fight  had  vanished. 

The  next  afternoon,  ensconced  in  the  jigger 
shop,  Turkey  Eeiter,  the  Gutter  Pup  and  the 
Triumphant  Egghead  considered  the  reckoning 
of  the  night  before. 

"  I'm  out  ten  plunks,"  said  the  Egghead.  "  I 
got  reckless  when  they  passed  the  hat.  How  did 
you  make  out?  " 

"  I'd  hate  to  tell,"  said  the  Gutter  Pup. 

"  Funny  the  Doctor  didn't  refer  to  it  in 
chapel." 

[304] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 

"  Say,  tliat  was  queer." 

"  What  was  the  fight  like?  "  said  Al,  who  had 
listened. 

"  Frightful,"  said  Turkey  Reiter ;  "  there  was 
bad  blood  between  them !  " 

"  How  long  did  it  go?  " 

"  Ten  slashing  rounds." 

At  this  moment  the  Triumphant  Egghead, 
looking  out  the  window,  exclaimed: 

"Hello!" 

"  What's  the  matter?  » 

"There  they  are!  " 

On  the  opposite  sidewalk  Alcibiades  and  the 
Trenton  Terror  were  sauntering  affably  to 
gether. 

"  Is  that  what  you  call  Patsy  the  Brute  and 
the  Trenton  Terror?  "  said  Al  dreamily. 

"  Sure." 

"  WTas  this  one  of  the  Tennessee  Shad's  little 
parties?" 

"  Why,  yes." 

"Doc  Macnooder,  too?  " 

"  Yes,  he  was  in  it." 

"  Hem,"  said  Al  thoughtfully ;  "  I  see  where 
two  back  accounts  get  paid  up." 
[305] 


THE  TENNESSEE  SHAD 

"  Al,"  cried  the  Gutter  Pup,  "  what  do  you 
know?  Do  you  know  those  fellows?" 

"The  Finnigan  brothers?  Rather  —  used  to 
steal  watermelons  together." 

"  Brothers !  "  said  the  Gutter  Pup  with  a  gasp. 

"Brothers!"  said  the  Triumphant  Egghead. 

"  Brothers!  "  said  Turkey  Keiter. 

"  But,  Al,  they  are  prize-fighters,  now,  aren't 
they?  "  said  the  Gutter  Pup  desperately. 

"  Well,  they  have  done  a  good  deal  of  boxing," 
said  Al,  polishing  the  faucets. 

"  Ah,  they  have  done  that?  " 

"  Oh,  yes,  down  at  Katzenbach's  grocery. 
They  used  to  box  lemons." 

The  Gutter  Pup,  Turkey  Eeiter,  Goat  Finney, 
the  Beefsteak  and  the  Triumphant  Egghead, 
sat  on  the  steps  of  the  Esplanade  nursing  their 
feelings  and  their  pocketbooks.  Boys  with 
tongues  in  their  cheeks  looked  at  them  as  they 
passed,  and  snickered  at  a  good  safe  distance. 
Others  shouted  to  them,  joyful  insulting  gibes. 

Presently  the  Tennessee  Shad  and  Doc  Mac- 
nooder  loped  up  in  a  friendly  manner  and  stood 
looking  down  at  them. 

[306] 


LAST  HISTORIC  EXPLOIT  OF  THE  FIRM 

"  Hello,  Turkey !  "  said  the  Shad  hopefully. 

Turkey's  gaze  remained  set. 

"Hello,  Lovely !" 

Lovely  drew  a  breath  and  looked  down. 

"  Aren't  you  going  to  say  howdy  ?  "  pleaded 
the  Tennessee  Shad,  "  Egghead  —  Gutter  Pup  — 
oh,  Gutter  Pup?" 

The  Gutter  Pup's  lips  moved  and  set  again, 
while  Macnooder  was  observed  departing  on  tip 
toes. 

"  I  suppose  you're  sore  on  me,"  said  the  Ten 
nessee  Shad  sadly.  "  Well,  I  don't  blame  you. 
I'll  never  forgive  myself  —  never !  " 

He  sat  down  opposite,  took  a  handful  of  stones, 
juggled  them  in  the  air,  sighed  and  fell  into  their 
silence. 

All  at  once  he  brightened,  looked  up  and  said : 

"  Say,  fellows,  I've  got  an  idea !  " 

Then  they  surged  up  and  fell  upon  him. 

"  Macnooder !  Doc,  help  there ;  stand  by  me. 
Ouch !  " 

But  Macnooder,  purely  the  spirit  of  commerce, 
scudding  for  the  west,  called  back,  "  Sorry,  Shad 
—  can't  do  it ;  the  firm's  dissolved !  " 

[307T 


S  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED  BELOW 


AN  INITIAL  FINE  OF  25  CENTS 

WILL  BE  ASSESSED  FOR  FAILURE  TO  RETURN 
THIS  BOOK  ON  THE  DATE  DUE.  THE  PENALTY 
WILL  INCREASE  TO  SO  CENTS  ON  THE  FOURTH 
DAY  AND  TO  $t.OO  ON  THE  SEVENTH  DAY 
OVERDUE. 


JAN  10  1944 


O    L.L) 


JUN  17  IMS 


8  1957 


fifiT  gft 


Ill 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


